The Social Mask and Being your True Self

If you cannot trust yourself, who can you trust? All our existence is shaped by our perception, our personal phenomenological world. The exterior world needs to make sense to us; otherwise we either continuously live in fantasy or in constant confusion.

One of the arising problems, however, comes from the fact that we are told and evaluated by everyone (such as, media, school, parents, and friends) what is acceptable in our behavior and attitudes. Organized religion tries to taint and control our perception of “phenomena”, the outside world, by (force?)feeding us spiritual ideas and conceptions, attempting to guide also our life in the “noumena”, our own interior world.

It comes as no surprise that we often end up feeling insecure and divided. There are certain things we cannot or rather should not do or say in the presence of others, hence we need to create our social persona, our social mask that we show others, that we let the outside world see.

Sometimes it is just a more polite and controlled version of our true self; in other cases, it is contradictory to it. In the latter cases, we may experience stress because of incongruity or we may just distance ourselves with the treacherous aid of hypocrisy. It seems all right in either case to play another role, an actor for the social strata, but, in reality, we may be the exact opposite and suffer from it internally.

However, if we can find a way to harmonize our own way of being with our social self (or if at least they are not too far apart), then we may feel at ease with and within ourselves and be at home in our own skin. To be oneself, if by this we mean a 100% congruence of how we feel and a spontaneous expression thereof, may not always be advisable though.

In fact, it could get us into a lot of trouble, especially when the feelings are of an aggressive nature or when they are conflicting or when those actions might be reckless and put ourselves or others in danger. In some instances, it would be better not to act upon those harmful desires. I think that sometimes we need to curb, “sacrifice” or give up certain desires for the sake of overall peace and harmony.

But as long as we are true to the core values of who we are in terms of personal integrity and honesty, and we have an acute awareness regarding the social mask we are wearing; as long as we inherently know that it is just a role society wants and actually needs us to play - both for our own safety and for that of others - we should be fine with integrating those parts into our own fully embodied personality.

The Unsung Hero: The Daily Struggles of the Ordinary Person

Our definition of hero is someone who is charged and loaded with various attributes and characteristics. It is often equally based on looks and physical and / or mental skills. Traditionally, we expect a hero to be brave and unafraid of difficult challenges and life-threatening obstacles.

The extraordinary features of the context and the risks involved would render the hero more valuable and more refined. For example, a person who saves a cat from a tree is not on par with one who jumps into a streaming river to save a struggling child.

In the second case, the hero has put his or her own life in danger to save the child. Apart from the risk and danger factor, the case also stands out because cats on trees is a less extraordinary event. The ordinary is generally not regarded as that interesting. The person who in dramatic fashion saves or rescues somebody is more easily conceived as a hero than someone who spends his time and energy to make ends meet for his family, for instance.

There is a simple reason for that perception: Time. The extraordinary happens at a specific instance and makes the snapshot-act unique. The fact that the event happened once and all of a sudden gives it its necessary momentum and significance. If the child were to fall into the river every week, and the hero would save her each time, the whole heroic act would be reduced to a simple duty or task. People would eventually lose interest and stop hailing the hero.

As such, the strains and efforts produced by the everyday working individual is not apparent at first glance. Once these persons have reached old age, we might think of them as heroes in retrospect, that is, after judging all the accomplishments and contributions, something like a "life achievement award" if you will.

But also because many people are struggling in the same or similar manner the situation loses its uniqueness and its heroic appeal and potential. This is a dangerous fallacy though. The hero who saves somebody on one occasion has definitely done a good deal, but he or she cannot rest on their laurels.

It is rather more heroic to fight against the ordinary tasks and duties. Accomplishing one's work in an efficient manner despite its difficulties and looming boredom and triviality, providing food and shelter to one's family, being a loyal and trustworthy person, these are all characteristics of the unsung hero.

Life is a harder and more drawn-out struggle than the streaming river. The Danish philosopher Kierkegaard points out that simply because of its triviality, everyday life is a much more contentious battle. It requires stamina and persistence, devotion, and dedication. These are not the usual flashy attributes of a celebrated hero. But they are heroes in their own right, much more so because they do not demand attention or recognition for their deeds.

Truth as a beautiful many-splendored Thing and the Importance of Being and Embodiment

Flower Still Life by Ambrosius Bosschaert, the Elder

It may seem confusing at first glance, but everyone out there claims to be in possession of the truth. Often it may come either as a sudden insight into the higher workings of the universe, or it may be a synthesis of various life experiences. Whatever the source may be, each person believes it to be true for them.

We may encounter other contradicting experiences and accordingly modify our brand of truth, or we may stumble upon a philosophy or religion that changes us and replaces in a subtle or dramatic way our previously held beliefs. In fact, it is generally a good idea or healthy habit to regularly update our philosophy, as the world and the technology around us keeps changing.

One thing that confuses many, however, is the fact that truth is indeed a difficult matter to convey to others. It is the same with happiness. When you are happy, you want everybody to follow suit. You want them to share the joy you feel inside of you. And in many cases, it is contagious. A cheerful spirit is often able to chase away the dark brooding clouds or frowns of the person around them. People cannot help but smile at spontaneous outbursts of happiness.

This may be true, but we cannot force anyone to be happy. Even though we wish them well, we will encounter certain limits because we are dealing with another living person with different perspectives and life experiences. For them to adopt our views, there must be some congruency or else some willingness of the other to embrace our views.

Here is where truth has suffered greatly. Many religions have made the mistake of being “overzealous.” Convinced of their own truths and that these would be beneficial for all of humanity, they become too aggressive in their approach. And nothing good can come out of this violence.

Truth is an inner state of mind and is not just about appearance. For instance, people can be outwardly compliant Catholics, but inside they have quite other beliefs and thoughts. A religion that does not enter into the inner recesses of the person is nothing but make-believe and appearance and the “truth” is nothing but shallow water.

So how can we get others to accept our version of the truth? First of all, we need to be open-minded and tolerant. If somebody starts off ridiculing my belief system, no matter whether it is flawed or not, I will not seriously listen to them. Their attitude makes me want to close off or even end the conversation there. No truth can be transmitted in such a way regardless of its validity. But if the person begins by patiently making me see my own flaws in my system only then is a true conversion possible.

A good way to convince others is to give them examples or role models. It is to entice their curiosity the same way a parent manages to instill curiosity and inner drive within their children. If you want them to read, take a book, sit down and read quietly.

Be patient and sooner or later your child will come up to you and ask you what it is you are doing. You will explain it to him briefly and return to your book. Next time your child may ask you what it is you are doing. And you give her an answer that partly satisfies her curiosity, but equally makes her want to know more and to try it out for herself to see - or rather experience - what this activity is all about. If your child does not show interest or does not imitate you, then there is no interest in them to begin with, so no need to try to convince them of reading, and you need to move onto other things.

I use the example of children not in a condescending manner. It does not mean that the person who has the “truth” is in a superior position or has a parental role or obligation. But it shows that the method works best when we provide examples and awaken interest in others instead of shoving down the truth.

But to return to our previous example, if you are happy (and if your truth does not provide any sense of joy, I would find it rather suspect) then you will transmit more of it by demonstrating to the world what your truth does to you personally. It will come from and shine through the core of your personality.

If others come and ask you about it, you can give them the secret of your success, or you can keep them on their toes and give them hints of it by making them even more curious. Either way, at that point they would be more willing to listen to you, and you will have their full undivided attention.