This is part and parcel of and even a visible and tangible sign
of independence, yet at the same time, it also comes to represent the place
where we can be truly and fully be ourselves. If we have liberal-minded
and permissive parents, we may even have a say in how we wish to decorate it.
Moreover, in the comfort of this space, we can engage in activities that we
enjoy, that resonate with our inner core and that give us pleasure.
As life progresses, many of us lose that access or at least
certain aspects to that sort of privacy. In our college days, we may have a
roommate or types of shared accommodation where we can be ourselves and feel
perfectly at home, but it may come with certain limitations. Later, when we are
living with our partner, that space is lost physically, yet we may maintain it
in our minds by spending time away from home, either with friends or on our
own. It then becomes a figurative or invisible space where we can be completely
who we are without any pretense or excuses.
Incidentally, I am currently writing this not from my home
but from a café. The idea, or rather the reason I tell myself, is to be less
distracted but that is not always the case and that is not the main reason I
choose to do so. It is rather looking for a different kind of space where regular
distractions are warded off against and where I can experience different facets
of myself. Add to that, the unexpected where I could potentially run into
someone or meet someone new, which, however, rarely happens not necessarily due
to a lack of people but because of my own timidity.
Oddly enough, I find that ideas in this “other space” tend
to flow more freely, which may not be too surprising as there are various others
who appear to tap into the same vibes and frequencies or thought patterns. As a university student,
I would indeed often “escape” my room, which was tiny, but it was purely my own
living space as part of the residential college I was at, and I would go to
nearby beaches, including a nudist one, to do many of my assigned readings.
Reading outdoors is just more fun, whenever the weather cooperates of course,
and the surroundings are not too distracting.
As you can probably tell by now, the room I am talking about
here is as much mental as it is physical, if not more so. We all need a room of
our own was a song by Billy Joel and it is also a previous blogpost of mine
based on and inspired by a podcast I did with creativity coach Eric Maisel. His
view was to redecorate and redesign our mind and mental space and give it the renovations, uplifts
and upgrades that we wished to have.
The concept is very interesting, and I would like to add to
it here. It is not so much the way the room looks, whether your curtains are
grey, blue, or multi-colored but how big or small it is. Size does matter. We often take up a
more unassuming space not only in reality but also within our mind and spirit.
In the real world, it is often due to financial pressures or limitations, and
it is no secret that the increased square miles come at a rather significant cost.
Nonetheless, we take on the same mentality and apply it
to our psychological space. It may be due to modesty, humility, lack of
confidence, or fear of being seen as pretentious, arrogant and ungrateful, or
simply because we think we do not deserve the extra space and have to accept
and deal and content with what we got and what we get in life as the Rolling
Stones remind us that we can’t always get what we want in life.
But those are limitations that we are setting ourselves and
sometimes even imposing upon each of us. I agree with setting boundaries to
protect ourselves, whether it is physical or in terms of effort, time, and
energy invested but I disagree with these types of artificial barriers that we
may unconsciously fence ourselves in and with. It is not only about what our
room looks, like Eric Maisel explains in his book and on my podcast quite
eloquently and creatively, but also how much space we give and allow ourselves.
And in our imagination, should the sky not be our upper and topper most limit?
I am saying this at a moment in my life where I find that I
have been selling myself short. It comes with the fact that I feel I have come
up short and that I have been generally underappreciated, which at the time I
assumed was only my imagination until I realized that it was not. It had its
roots and anchors in facts and reality. Yet, in all fairness, I have not been
doing myself any favors with my own false sense of modesty. This is the type of
modesty that lacks true understanding of the facts and actual situation and
circumstances. It is false because consciously or unconsciously, it denies and
even diminishes if not denigrates our own skills, talents, and abilities.
Put differently, I need to expand my (mental) room because
it does not allow for my essence and talents to exist fully. I do not have to
continue living in my shabby self-imposed apartment because it is not where I
currently belong. Perhaps it is time to move out or move up or even move
altogether to a new mental space.
Psychologically speaking, this small room has been difficult
because I have been limited myself in many ways. This is what Dr. Carla Marie Manly would designate our jail cell, the place that may be our so-called comfort
zone but where we are willingly staying and lodging because we have shut the
door with locks and all and barely dare to look out the window.
On one hand, this limited space restricts movement. If your
inner space does not have much “legroom”, you will find it hard to go to places.
You are not free but often restrained and constrained. You are also filled with negative expectations that seriously hamper your outlook and chances. Anything that is
beyond the room you are occupying is not seen as an invitation or a welcome
challenge but quickly brushed off as simply not for me.
In our cocoon, we live in an artificially set comfort zone,
which is not comforting in the sense of its culinary cousin comfort food,
which, although often not the healthiest option out there, fills us up with
warmth, pleasant sensations, and pleasing memories. Here, we just remain
entrenched in our “home” and filled with fear. The small black-and-white
television gives us comfort although we are aware that there are more modern
and much better options and variations out there.
Additionally, to grow, we need the room to do so first. Like
a potted plant, that needs a bigger pot, so we need an area to expand more
freely. That means, we need to tweak our views, perspectives, and expectations.
We also need to take a good look at our fear and insecurities, which often turn
out to be defense mechanisms based on previous situations that are simply
outdated and no more valid. But we hold onto it like our tiny black-and-white
TV set in front of us in our shabby apartment space.
We need not only a room of our own but room to grow. And to
get there, we need room for error. It is a misnomer that we can get it right
just right off the bat. No one can really do that because it is not realistic
or feasible. You cannot expect to play Beethoven without taking piano lessons
and without those hours and hours of endless practice and millions and millions
of fumbles and mistakes along the way. I do not think that practice necessarily
makes perfect, but it certainly helps us to tackle things much better. Yet, all
this involves both effort as well as the willingness to make errors and be ready and willing to occasionally
or often fail as we do so.
Give yourself room for errors and failure. They are not the
end of the world but as vital and necessary for your growth as learning scales
on the piano. It may not always be fun but if you have your eyes and heart set
on a bigger living space, then you must accept this as a part of necessity.
Incidentally, once you give yourself the much-needed extra space, you will also
give others more room in your mind. They also need space, but it is hard for
you to see that when you yourself can barely move.
Finally, you must be willing to accept change and to welcome
it into your life. This is a hard thing to do because we get used to and
entrenched to certain things and places. We get accustomed to our room as it is
the place we know, and we have lived in for a long time.
Moreover, the job that we have may be far from perfect but
it is the devil we know. It is better than nothing, we tell or try to convince
ourselves. The person we are with we assume to be the best possible option
because no one will love us more or better out there. It sure beats being alone
and lonely, we tell ourselves. The country we live in, whether it is our home
or the home of our choice is simply where we belong, for better or for worse.
Certainly, all or any of this may be true, no doubt. This
cannot be judged here without additional details and some scrutiny
as well as complete honesty and after serious, intense, and intimate
introspection and reflection. Yet, there may be a change in the offing or at
the very least some room for improvement in your living space, be it physical
or mental, in your relationship or at your place of work.
But if we are blind to it, if we do not see it or choose not to perceive it, it does not mean it is not there. The best way is to expand our room, to not only look out of the window but step out, and then take a second look and find out for ourselves. We may be surprised that we have been living in an unnecessarily confined place but no more starting from now on.
