Novel Experiences and Their Effects on Memory: Reflections on Dr. Lila Davachi’s Quinn Memorial Lecture 2026

It is that time of the year again for me: To attend the annual lecture of the Quinn Memorial, which has become a dear tradition to me. I started going to these fascinating and memorable lectures more than a dozen years ago and it is something I look forward to every year. The only times I have missed the Quinn Memorial were due to the pandemic where it was canceled or due to other commitments, for instance, work or appointments that I could not escape from.

Let it also be stated that part of my own personal tradition includes the complimentary and much appreciated glass of wine (I usually opt for red) as well as a brief chat and a few questions for the renowned speaker, all reasons why an online option is not feasible and only half the experience.

This time around I did something I had not done previously: I invited a handful of people to come along with me. Doing new things or doing things differently with its effects on memory will be discussed further below but the main reason I had not done this before was that as a generally reserved and private person, I like to go there alone. That way I could pay close attention and take notes during the talk. Also, I felt that I could freely mingle afterwards and talk to other guests and meet a variety of people. As a final point, it was also because I did not feel that many people in my social circle would be genuinely interested in these types of talks and lectures.

As the subject coincided with an upcoming book club discussion of Andy Clark’s The Experience Machine (more on this later as well), I figured that there might be some interest and perhaps overlap with group members, but alas, yet again, I ended up going solo. It was a shame because it was another wonderful talk that I would have loved to share with likeminded friends, but I get it, people are busy; they have busy lives and priorities, or they may simply not be as interested in these events as myself.

But enough preamble and let’s dive in! The talk was entitled “The wisdom of the unconscious mind: offline reactivation consolidates, integrates, and updates knowledge” by Dr. Lila Davachi from Columbia University. The title may not be on par with the talk itself; first off, I must admit that the title on its own does not necessarily sound sexy or exciting and may be a bit too technical particularly with the added subtitle. At the same time, the lack of capitals takes away from the transformative features that were included in the lecture itself, and finally, although it deals with the unconscious, it is a bit of a misnomer because the talk was more about brain processes than the mind per se.

Sadly, not much psychoanalysis to speak of and on the topic of dreams, Dr. Davachi simply stated that neither she nor anybody else she is familiar with has any clue or idea why we dream and what its purpose may be. I differ on this matter, but she has a valid point in terms of memory retrieval and consolidation of course and that was the main focus of her talk.

There were interesting insights alongside a new understanding of how memories are formed, how they are strengthened and/or weakened and, as a language instructor,  I appreciated that she provided some useful tips and vital points on how to be able to consolidate them further so our memories and knowledge do not end up decomposing in the waste bin of our mind.

But what are the different processes that occur in the brain to ensure that we have memories in the first place? I remember from psych undergrad classes that memory was closely tied and connected with the hippocampus. And although that still holds true, the real story is much more complex and more intricate than that.

First off, there are two parts to memories, the encoding and then later its retrieval. The encoding is basically the input, which is then converted into a memory. This often occurs offline, that is the hippocampus replaying the information after the event. Yet the brain is not passive in any of this; it actively selects what to consolidate and what not. In other words, what is deemed relevant is offloaded and distributed to other cortical parts of the brain, and what is not is left behind and may be forgotten completely.

As a result, the memory becomes consolidated not just by replaying it but rather by having it play like an orchestra. If the memory itself is strong, that is salient, vivid and involves an emotional reaction, it becomes more resilient and has a much stronger survival rate. In fact, connectivity is crucial here and can protect against forgetting.

The retrieval itself can come from cues, with some of them being partial. This may be something we see or something someone says that then triggers a memory; we may actively look for specific information or try to recall an event in the past. This is also not only related to the context and the circumstances of the memory event, but it also depends on what happens afterwards, whether it is repeated consciously or subconsciously or not. Sometimes associations and associated occurrences can aid the memory to remain strong even in the face of time.

This can occur in different ways. One of them is reward. If we are expecting a certain reward, we may work harder to ensure that we can later recall the given information. Put differently, it is motivation that can ensure both short and long-term retrieval. This is even more prevalent when we have motivation to remember. Hence reward and repeated encodings improve memory retrieval. This is also true with any information that we prioritize, something that we cherish and value for whatever reason.

It is noteworthy that cortical networks are more stable than just the hippocampus. In this cortical dialogue and interaction, weak memories need to be replayed more than strong memories to ensure that they can be recalled at a later time. There is also a significant difference between recalling simple standalone episodic events versus the gist of the situations and with it some overlapping details. When memories are clustered together, they tend to be more resistant to the erosion of time.

Interestingly, the same can be applied to routine memories if they are combined with novel and interesting or intriguing information. For instance, social and special novelty helps both mood and memory. Going out of your way to take on different activities or to take a different route will not only help you better recall the new information, but it will also make you feel better, excited and aroused. At the same time, all this will color your regular routine actions and make them stand out more than previously or otherwise.

Let’s face it, if you are living on autopilot, your routine actions become a muddled and indiscriminate mess of sorts, and you would either confuse them or forget them altogether. But the moment you encounter something or someone new on your regular path, you remember everything much more vividly and in greater detail while also feeling good about the whole experience.

This is your cue to get out and do something differently. When you do this, you will feel more alive and remember it much better. Carpe diem may not just be about going out there and taking risks but also trying out something new and different. Sure it can involve minimal or moderate amounts of risk but more importantly, just stepping out of your comfort zone or regular routine can indeed aid your overall memory in this case.

Now to return to my book club reading of Andy Clark’s book. His theory is that the brain is not just a passive recipient of sensory information but that it plays an active role in the process. It is not just encoding and processing the information that crosses its path but it constantly tries to predict what will happen.

When the prediction is correct, we can save time and energy and focus on things of greater importance to us. This is not unlike our experience of driving. When we start off, we need to pay close attention to everything around us and try our best to move this metal box in a safe and sound manner. But after time, it becomes more innate and automatic and our brain takes over the driving until or unless something surprising and unexpected occurs needing our attention.

So, during the reception I had the opportunity to ask Dr. Davachi about the brain predicting events and whether salient information would help us remember them better. She said that most likely we would. I then asked her whether the new incoming information would override the previous predictive pattern or maybe have us forget it altogether and replace it with something new.

She said that it depended on how strong the pattern was encoded, whether it was part of a weak or a strong memory. If we took that path more than a dozen times, we may just carry on with as it may be resistant to a single episodic memory or minimal incongruent information. Hence, in the case that the pattern has been more entrenched, it would not be so easily abandoned and replaced.

All this has also some relevance with trauma and traumatic events. They can lead to rumination, which can occur both online and offline. Yet at the same time, they may also become stronger because the brain would read certain cues in that particular light and frame of mind. Hence, for a war survivor, any loud noise can be seen as a potential threat where fireworks or car exhaust backfires may feel threatening.

Yet, on the flip side, good experiences will fill us with positive feelings, and we would look forward to other or similar events. In my case, this was yet another outstanding and memorable event that makes me look forward to the next one, regardless of whether I shall be accompanied or not.

Otto Rank and Thoughts on Individuality, Education, and Indoctrination

All absolute viewpoints, positions, and actions are fallacious; moderation is the key to everything, and we ought to question all things and matters. Although I believe in that statement, I am also aware of its inherent fallacies and contradictions. It is in and by itself what it claims to denounce, and it is like the statement that reflects on itself by saying that this statement is true. In other words, it is an absolute statement that wishes to eliminate or at least sow some doubts into all statements, beliefs, and thinking that are deemed absolute but at the same time, it is essentially and inherently a paradox in and of itself.

Secondly, this also underscores the importance of moderation and although we can counter that the practice and statement itself should be also taken in moderation, i.e. everything to be taken in moderation including moderation itself, yet it should be seen as a more balanced way of refraining being taken or rather being taken in by any radical one-sided viewpoints and lifestyles. Lastly, we should question everything including questioning whether we should question all things, or not. The main aim here is not to confuse or play with words but to point to serious issues and reach some potential and hopefully clearer understanding of them.

Otto Rank in his book Beyond Psychology points at the internal conflict and dilemma of the educational system, which at the same time becomes a microcosm and symbol of the paradox of human existence. On one side, education aims at general knowledge and the formation and development of the self, as in the inspirational Greek call for self-discovery, namely, to search for and “know thyself.”

Yet on the other hand, there must be necessary limits, restraints, and compromises for society to co-exist together in relative peace and harmony, a type of social contract or acceptance of laws and responsibilities to be able to live together. This is the other aim of education to help and guide us by living the life the way we want while also balancing it with accepting and respecting others to be able to do the same. It is individuality pitted against social conformity, or the individual good versus the common good, and education is the playground where this is played out.

It is a balancing act between what Otto Rank calls the psychology of difference versus the psychology of likeness and it affects us all in one way or another. We want to stand out and be different in terms of our own personality and ways of thinking and being, yet not to the extreme idiosyncratic degree where we would have nothing in common with others. We do need others not only as a foil or point of comparison, but we need them in the sense of our own identity formation be it via groups, clans, nations, families etc. all making part of that which we personally identify with.

It is an existential push and pull (the duality of being an individual) and if taken to its extreme on the side of individuality it can lead to eccentric behavior at best and utter madness at its worst, while conformity in its extreme would strip us of everything that makes us unique, and we would, again at its worst and most extreme, be nothing but a mindless cog in the machine or a humanoid instead of a full-fledged human being.

Education finds itself at this crossroad. On one hand, at least ideally, it wants to help us put ourselves on the path of self-discovery to find ourselves and to bring out not only our unique ways of being but aid us in expressing this via speaking and writing and to guide us towards thinking for ourselves, commonly referred to as critical thinking. That said, I much prefer the term thinking outside of the box and in that sense to be authentic, steadfast, and even revolutionary in one’s own thoughts and viewpoints.

Yet, left on its own and unharnessed, this could potentially lead to chaos and dissonance, and even further left field to anarchistic tendencies, hence education wants to also help us maintain and adhere to social order. This is not meant in the fascist or communist sense but rather as its opposite, to uphold democracy and democratic tenets and not to give sway to forms of totalitarianism of any stripe or color.

As Otto Rank put it, communism and fascism are two sides on the same coin. It is in either case, a denial of freedom and choice by means of force and violence. In communism, the ideology that we are all the same and equal is enforced and imprinted upon everyone whereas individual difference is not only frowned upon but intentionally stifled.

In the case of fascism, we have the opposite end of the spectrum; it is the individual and their differences that are underscored alongside the belief that a given collective group, entity, and ethnicity is not perceived as equal and as a matter of fact deemed superior to others. In both situations, the individual and their rights and choices are disregarded and trampled upon for the sake of what each ideology sees as the common good.

Education plays a crucial and often unspoken role in all of this by ways and means of indoctrination. Ideologies are then inserted, consciously or unconsciously, into the curriculum or the institution. Education ought to be free of any politics or ideologies but, in practice, this is often a different story. A particular ideology may hold sway at a given time and/or in a certain environment, and, as such, the school or university would not be educating people anymore but molding and even brainwashing them.

This is not limited to the realm of education but also applies to psychology. The current norm is upheld as a golden standard and everything that goes against it in one way or another is shunned. The individual who does not fit the particular mold is then fashioned and molded to get rid of the parts that are in conflict with it. This could be achieved via different means and methods, ranging from medication, institutionalization, or on a more common basis, by changing thoughts and views through cognitive therapy. The given patient or client is adjusted and re-adjusted to what is considered to be the current standard of sanity or normalcy.

Certainly, in many cases, this is indeed helpful and necessary as I would not want to state absolute statements or throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yet, the problem lies exactly in the mistaken belief that one’s view is and must be absolutely correct, whether we are talking about the patient, the psychiatrist, or the mental health expert.

This can be evidenced in what was considered abnormal in the past, including any difference or deviation in terms of sexuality or sexual preferences. What was considered abnormal and even illegal has become more accepted and commonplace because our views, values, and ways of thinking have changed. We have in addition to the conflict between the self and the other, the individual and society, another factor that is rigidity versus openness and flexibility.

That is another element of a delicate balancing act, and it should be a staple not only in psychology, politics, and education but also a personal practice of each and every one to move from fixed beliefs and mindsets to one of curiosity and empathy so that one is not held captive or hostage by the latest trends and fashions of the day. 

Change is a constant that we experience in our daily life but at the same time, we are often enticed and driven to latch onto the most current view by eschewing anything that went before because we feel we are at a vantage point, which we deem superior to the previous one. Regardless of the truth and value of this, issues may arise when this is done in a radical and absolutist way and by denying or ignoring the necessary nuances and considerations that come with it.

You may also be interested in the following post and the podcast below:

Otto Rank The Soulful Psychoanalyst: From Psyche to Beyond Psychology

 The Work, insights, Influence, and Legacy of Otto Rank with Robert Kramer and Kirk Schneider

The Algorithm of Relaxation and How Being Yourself Is Your Best Version and Option

I have always been suspicious of the concept of attempting to be the best version of yourself, and for good reason. This idea tends to be sponsored and promoted by the Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy community that was pretending or believing that it was merely a matter of changing your mindset and then you could just act out what you think or assume would be the best possible scenario in your mind and by extension the best version of yourself.

Although I am not averse or opposed to this notion and idea when it comes to planning, setting goals, following dreams, and even setting boundaries, there can be no better version or substitute than being who you truly are deep inside; that is authentically giving your innermost essence a voice and acting from it, that is from the heart.

But how do you know who you are? It would start with first figuring out what resonates with you. This cannot be achieved except by tuning into yourself and looking inward, a curious mindful mix of introspection and reflection that would give you insights into the core of your essence. It involves an openness to thought, feeling, and action to discover and uncover who you truly are. Many times, you are not who you think you are or even who you wish you were, and yet, the real you needs to shine through like rays of the sun. That is in fact the only time you would not only find but also embody inner peace and calm.

How to get there? The answer is it is not easy and will take effort and hard work. Yet one thing is certain, you cannot be yourself and worry at the same time. To attain a connection with yourself, like your source of creativity, you need to be calm and collected. Anxiety would create ripples in the sea of your essence and not let you see and feel things clearly.

Put differently, to be yourself you must relax, and ipso facto, the first step is to deal with anxiety. Anxiety, stress, and worry tend to be negative and toxic emotions that make you tense, and they are by definition the opposite of relaxation. In many ways, they would lead to thoughts and behaviors that may be the exact opposite of who you are and how you are as well as how you would like to be.

For your anxiety to diminish, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, you would want to be aware of it and accept that it is anxiety. Although it may fluctuate in level and intensity, we all have it and those who claim they are not anxious tend to score higher on the spectrum as they fail to recognize that they are human and will need to have a certain level of anxiety to function and survive in the world.

Anxiety is like thinking and so we can paraphrase Hamlet by saying there is nothing either good or bad in the world, but our anxiety makes it so. If you look at the sensations we have when we are thrilled and excited and when we feel anxiety, there is essentially not much of a difference there except how we label and respond to the feeling.

Even in daily jargon, we say that we are anxious for something to take place meaning that we are looking forward to it. To illustrate this with another example, we can cry for various reasons. It may be out of sadness or an exuberance of joy. This means that the act of crying on its own does not mean or constitute that it is always due to sadness; too much laughter can fill our eyes with tears. Feelings are often not as clear-cut, but we need to process them. It is of course much easier to process feelings of happiness than those of sadness but process them we must.

To be able to process them, you need to face them. Avoiding or circumventing them will rob you of the opportunity to process them effectively and by extension to learn and grow from them. Yet at the same time, it is important to be gentle with yourself and not push yourself too hard or criticize yourself too harshly.

It is best to lean into what is giving you anxiety, a form of tiptoeing into water instead of throwing yourself into the deep end. With patience and practice, you will learn to swim and even surf the waves. A given situation will not arouse strong uncomfortable feelings anymore, and even if they do, you will be better able to handle and deal with them.

To help you along is also the necessary insight and awareness of the situation and context. Our fear has kept humanity alive since time immemorial as we dodged tigers and wolves to survive. This inbuilt alarm system with its fight, flight, and even freeze options is a necessary component for our survival. We want to appreciate it and not curse it.

Yet, due to previous trauma and experiences, toxic feelings, and negative thinking, we may lose focus and even see things out of focus. That is when context is essential for us to notice that it is not always an existential threat even though it may feel as such. With this awareness, that it may not pose a grave threat but may even be innocuous in the grand scheme of things, we can reappraise and reevaluate the situation and respond to it in an appropriate and much calmer manner.

This is where AR, the algorithm of relaxation can become rather useful. You then look at a given situation and decide whether it is a serious issue or not. There are generally two options; either it is serious, or it is not. At first glance and as your knee-jerk response, you may think it is not only serious but an absolute tragedy or disaster. Yet when you ask yourself, is it really that serious and important, you may see it from a different light and perspective.

In some cases, we may not have sufficient bits of information to make a judgment call. In those cases, we often opt for the worst-case scenario, but we ought to keep that in check as worrying is not going to help us to deal and tackle with the issue in an effective way and manner.

Let us illustrate this with a few examples. Say, your boss wants to talk to you. This is usually followed by an immediate feeling of dread. We assume the worst and are already imagining getting sacked. A lighter shade of this strain of catastrophic thinking would entail being criticized, scolded, or reprimanded for something we have done.

It would be best to ask ourselves, is there any real cause for concern? Did we do something wrong? If we made a mistake, was it that serious? Will there not be a remedy for it? We could apologize or promise to do better the next time around.

What if it is nothing of importance but just a simple and friendly chat? Perhaps they might ask you a simple question that may not be even related to you and your work. Or, even better, what if it is good news and you are going to receive some praise for your great performance. What if there is the possibility of a promotion? Instead of jumping to conclusions and expecting the worst, you are giving yourself the freedom and latitude to imagine possible and potential alternative reasons for this tête-a-tête with your superior or supervisor.

If it is indeed serious, then you can tackle it with a clear focus. If it is not, you shall not waste your time and energy worrying about it. In either case, you want to avoid assuming the worst, especially without any sort of proof and evidence that it may be so. If you, however, have acted unethically or inappropriately, then it would be best to face the situation and the consequences, the same way one would face one’s anxiety.

What if your loved one wants to have a talk with you? Let us not sugarcoat this, that is usually a sign of trouble. Then again, if it is, ask yourself, if perhaps something good can come out of it. It is perhaps a long-due conversation that needs to happen, and it may not be as devasting and shattering as we make it out to be. In fact, although we may not wish it or would try anything to avoid it, it may even clear the air and lead to an improved level of communication and rapport and much less tension between the two of you.

Again, if it is indeed the end of the relationship, you may not necessarily see it as the end of the world but see it as the turning of a new page no matter how painful it may feel at the moment. That dreaded talk with your boss or partner may end up being much less serious than you thought it to be, and by using the algorithm of relaxation, you may be able to see through it much easier and much faster and spare yourself the drama and unnecessary worry and preoccupation that usually comes with it.

So why not try AR in your daily life whether it is the cancellation of your favorite concert or the just or unjust loss of employment? For instance, I used to fret over mistakes. I would call it part of my perfectionism, but one day, I realized that being a perfectionist was often used as a euphemism for one’s insecurity. It may be a different matter when it comes to the arts but for me, it was ensuring that my exams did not contain any errors. I would triple-check everything and God forbid there was a mistake on the sheet, which had somehow escaped my probing eyes.

You can imagine the amount of stress and pressure I would feel and put on myself for something that was not that important after all. Deep down, who cared if there was indeed an error? This was not precision surgery or rocket science in which a minor detail could endanger people’s lives and, in some cases, even one’s own.

Errors are part of life and for those of us whose work is not a matter of life and death, they are really not a big deal. A mistake on the exam or a wrong answer to a student’s question? Or even failing an exam here and there at high school? On the scale of AR that is simply not that important to fret about, so it goes straight to the category of not to worry about it. Alternatively, throughout all these cases, you may just be taking yourself too seriously to begin with!

Now I am aware that AR could stand for augmented reality but in a way, it is not that different from it. You are turbocharging your reaction and seeing things more clearly and are not overreacting to situations by seeing the bigger picture and putting them into context.

The more you do this, the more relaxed you will be and much less on edge that something bad will happen to you. The side effect is that you may be a bit too relaxed at times and perhaps confuse or misplace minor things, miss the occasional deadline, forget a commitment or an appointment here and there, or you may even, God forbid, make an error at work or in your private life or both.

But on the grand scale of things and when looking at the bigger picture, none of them would be life-shattering or as important and as serious as we take them to be, especially after looking at them again with the magnifying lens of AR.

Conversely, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin, which is the most important outcome, so instead of worrying about being the best version of yourself, actually be yourself, which is essentially the only version that really counts and matters.

With a Deep Sense of Gratitude and Appreciation: Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving

The past few months have been a rather busy time on my side of things where I moved from a single part-time position to four of them (and yet still merely getting by, thank you, inflation ;) while at the same time keeping up with my podcasting and talking to wonderful, awesome, and inspirational experts and leaders across the world!

Thank you to everyone who has actively participated in these projects and endeavors and everyone in the background who has worked hard to make them happen! All of this has put blogging on the back burner at least for the time being, but I shall make some sort of amends with this posted note on gratitude and forgiveness.

Essentially, I have embraced and, in many ways, re-ignited and invigorated my passion for both in-person and remote teaching. Interestingly, I recently started teaching at the same college that I used to attend a quarter-century ago as a young promising student hence marking a full cycle and reaching the other side of the aisle; my previous student number is now my current employee ID. It is fascinating how seemingly separate dots end up connecting with each other in an arc and lead us to familiar yet new shores within the context of the always evolving and expanding yin and yang of teaching and learning with this eternal student teacher.

Moreover, regardless of whether we want this or not, growth is often associated with if not based upon previous adversity. Most of the time, when the living gets easy, we can get complacent, at times lazy, and nestle, accommodate ourselves, and grow accustomed to the delusive hammock of our respective comfort zone.

And yet, life has its ways of pulling the rug under our feet and ripping the blinds off our eyes and thus getting our attention, whether we want and seek it or not, and it wakes and shakes us up. Part of this universal experience was the pandemic that has affected literally everyone on the planet at least one way or another, while another part tends to be family, relationship, or work situations and tensions that spiral out of bounds and control and lead to necessary and mandatory stretches of strife and suffering.

But all these experiences that we often prematurely and unfairly label as negative and bad if approached and harnessed appropriately, can indeed become and be converted into glorious chances and opportunities. Most outcomes, if given enough and ample time and seen through a positive lens or prism can bring many unexpected benefits and pay dividends. Whether it is a premature and abrupt end to a relationship, connection, or association, it can potentially and realistically be converted to not only stability and productivity but much better and more rewarding prospects and vistas across the bright horizon.

I think in a sense this is what Jesus was referring to when he said to love our enemies or to turn the other cheek. It is neither an act of cowardice nor masochism but rather a wider perspective on our humanity and our lives. Events that trigger us and that we jump to see as negative can be turned into gold, and oddly enough, those who do us harm may unwillingly and unwittingly do us immense good. My best lessons came from suffering, and in a sense, my so-called enemies have been my best teachers in life.

Turning the other cheek does not mean passively accepting injustice or harm nor does it imply being senselessly beaten or abused by others without speaking up or standing up for one’s and other people’s rights. It is more a willingness to accept the circumstances no matter how dire and to not offer resistance to that we cannot change or influence; rather it is important to gather up and muster courage and build, rebuild, and channel our forces toward those situations and outcomes that we can effectively and realistically influence and change. This is the core heart and main lesson of the Serenity Prayer.

Throughout, it is best not to harbor grudges, ill will, or negative feelings toward those who have wronged us. They, in the words of Jesus again, do not know what they are doing and will find out to their cost, sooner or later. At some point or other, they would have to deal with the persistent nagging voice of conscience and bubbling feelings of guilt and will end up looking for forgiveness from those they have trespassed.

This may not always be apparent to the eye, and some may be able to fight that voice of the conscience for longer periods while others may drown themselves in their guilt or wallow in pity. But all this time, whether we see or acknowledge it or not, the karmic wheels will be constantly turning and even the mightiest will fall from their thrones.

One thing I have learned is to make forgiveness a priority in my life and to offer gratitude whenever I can as it is not something that can be misplaced or wasted. We should always be more grateful than we are as we are more fortunate than others no matter what the circumstances may be or seem to be in our life.

In the cycle of life, friends can disappoint, let us down, and betray us while our enemies may become our best friends. It comes down to a matter of perspective. It is easy to love those that love us, but the challenge and effort lie in loving those who do not love us and do not wish us well. In many cases, they are filled with negativity, pain, and suffering, and they may express this in the form of envy or anger toward others. And it is usually good people who do seem to take the brunt.

It is interesting that Freud himself had an issue with “loving our enemies” but I believe he might have misunderstood and misinterpreted the adage. It is not a quantitative but rather a qualitative statement. I do not think that we should love our loved ones less or the same as those who are our purported enemies, acquaintances, or neighbors.

But it is the fact that not loving them at all will be a lack and demerit not only towards them but for us as well. In other words, if you love life, willy-nilly, you have to accept the whole package that comes with it, the good and the bad ranging from the first breath and morning of birth to the last breath and mourning of death. It is not a menu we can pick and choose from and the moment you make a choice and take a path, you have opted out of other potential choices and paths.

But since we cannot and should not sit on the fence (at least not for long periods of time), we need to choose a path but also be ready to make changes, and amendments if not complete detours with new destinations. And during this journey, we will make friends and out of necessity enemies and both need our love to different degrees.

Once we send our enemies some love and clear the toxic and poisoned atmosphere around us and fill it instead with gratitude and optimism, not only have we done good, but we have made the world a better place. That is what it is all about, seeing adversity as opportunities and challenges that can help us grow and become more ourselves. To those who oppose or have opposed us along our path, we shall wish them a clear mind and a heart of feeling and empathy.

And yet, my focus here shall not be merely on the lost sheep but also give a deep sense of gratitude to those who have stood by our side. Although there are some who have disappointed and who let us down especially when you needed them most, there are many others who not only help but do it to an unexpected and outstanding degree going the extra mile so-to-speak and that should be always acknowledged, and I shall do so here as well.

Providing a hand to someone who needs help is an act of altruism, and I want to express my heartfelt thanks to all those who have made and continue to make a difference not only in my life but also in other people’s lives. I am in your karmic debt and hope to have been able to show it in this post but also promise to do more so in my personal interactions with you so that fortunately we all continue to pay it forward on this Thanksgiving and beyond!

Ode to Psychoanalysis: The Sigourney Award Interviews

It was not until last year that The Sigourney Awards came to my attention but ever since, I am a great fan and supporter not only of the Trust itself but also everything it supports and stands for. The organization is built on and around the lifelong work, dedication, and passionate activism of Mary Sigourney (1927-1988). Not only is psychoanalysis at its core, the heart within the heart of her worldview, but she encouraged and applauded its expansions into other disciplines and territories by not neglecting or overlooking pressing environmental, social, and community issues.

In fact, Mary Sigourney intuitively understood the wide-ranging potential and myriad and unparalleled benefits of psychoanalysis, which could be applied to diverse fields and disciplines, not only its neighboring cousins, psychiatry, psychology, and child development but also its more distant relatives and friends, such as anthropology, law, and criminology. We have already seen and are indeed aware of how psychoanalysis managed to revolutionize the arts and literature, and to a wider extent, the humanities themselves.

In its heydays, psychoanalysis may have wanted to distance itself from other fields so that it can state and proclaim its independence and to carve out and establish its unique identity and characteristics but now and especially nowadays, it is of the utmost importance for it to emerge, merge with and reach out to other branches to create an interdependent unit. As a result, it is wonderful, encouraging, and accommodating that the Sigourney Awards gives recognition to international individuals and organizations that use psychoanalysis in creative and inventive ways across the globe.

Recently, The Sigourney Trust, the independent nonprofit organization established by Mary Sigourney, has announced their new Co-Trustee Dr. Robin A. Deutsch, a psychoanalyst and licensed clinical psychologist who, alongside Attorney Co-Trustee Barbara C. Sherland, is inspired to not only continue with the excellent work, community, and global outreach but to also expand and build upon it in various ways, to seek more inclusiveness and diversity and to continue to reward and promote groundbreaking psychoanalytic thought leading to the betterment of humankind.

It is important to not only focus on theoretical and academic effects and benefits within the field but to harness, realize, and underscore its practical implications and positive impacts on people’s lives everywhere. It is with great thrill and anticipation that I await the winners of this year’s Sigourney Awards and the opportunity to meet, interview, and talk to them towards the end of this year, which would then add to the already impressive number of 136 Award recipients from 22 countries.

In fact, I had the honor and privilege to interview all last year’s winners and proudly featured them on my podcast. My first interview was a fascinating discussion about skin and psychoanalysis with Dr. Jorge Ulnik, a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and Associate Professor of Pathophysiology and Psychosomatic Diseases as well as Adjunct Professor of Mental Health at the Buenos Aires University. 

As part of his interdisciplinary approach of psychodermatology and the realization that diseases often tend to be intertwined with life events and emotions, Dr. Ulnik worked with skin patients to uncover unconscious trigger factors related to the expression and apparition of skin issues and problems. Our discussion then uncovered various underlying social, cultural, and psychological effects of advertising alongside its perception and depiction of beauty as well as the different uses, applications, and expressions of tattoos.

I tend to consider myself to be creative and like to see seemingly unlikely and hard-to-spot but existent connections between events, but I found Dr. Ulnik’s ingenious views and ideas quite stunning. So much so that we agreed to do a follow-up discussion in his native Spanish on psychoanalysis and cinema, the movies and themes of Woody Allen and Pedro Almodóvar, femininity, beauty, and the case of Marilyn Monroe as well as insights into Melanie Klein’s mother and daughter relationships.

Nowadays, for better or for worse, we are immersed in technology, but it was fascinating to see how the amazing analyst couple therapists Dr. David Scharff and Dr. Jill Savege Scharff had no qualms about technology; in fact, they were visionaries and pioneers in its use and capacity in terms of distance education and training. To train psychoanalysts remotely may seem quite a possibility by today’s standards but this forward-thinking psychoanalytic duo brought forth and highlighted various years ago the many benefits of the use and application of technology in terms of worldwide teaching and continuously growing and expanding learning communities. 

Not only does this give opportunities to people who live in remote regions but also facilitates the lives of those who cannot for various economic, social, cultural, or political reasons and circumstances physically travel to places, hence making the access to education more diverse and inclusive and leading to a truly connected global economy.

Finally, by making their books available electronically and free of charge, the precious knowledge and wisdom of psychoanalysis can be accessed and reached from every corner and every socioeconomic stratum and level in the world creating a stronger and more connected, and interconnected community. These types of goals and ambitions combined and complemented with driven and focused activism match and fit perfectly into the work and worldview of its founder Mary Sigourney.

The other recipient of the award was an entire organization, the Erikson Institute for Education, Research, and Advocacy, which is part of the Austen Riggs Center, a not-for-profit psychiatric hospital in Massachusetts that has been dedicated to and engaged in outstanding research and insights into psychoanalysis. I had the opportunity to interview psychologist/psychoanalyst Dr. Jane Tillman who received the award on behalf of her organization, and we focused on her research on suicide, the process of how a person becomes suicidal, and how to deal with suicide loss, its effects on survivors as well as resilience and suicide prevention.

Dr. Tillman explained how each person is built and wired differently and will deal with pain and adversity in various ways but that regardless of their individual differences and psychological and temperamental variation, social and emotional support and healthy relationships and connections are of vital importance. She also outlined the different warning signs of suicide that one should look out for, and she discussed the stigma of suicide loss and that it is a different, complicated, and traumatic grief process for the families and loved ones involved. Finally, she explained how psychoanalysis today looks quite different from its past, that it has been rebranded and re-packaged and has advanced in various ways and manners leading to a broader field of inquiry, outlook, and knowledge in the current era.

In fact, one of the fascinating aspects of psychoanalysis is that it is not afraid to tread into uncharted waters and territories and nothing is off-limits to this field. It is open and open-minded in its approach, and it is flexible and can bend easily by welcoming and embracing everything from life to sexuality to death, from pain and suffering to joy and bliss, from the unknown and the unconscious to the conscious and consciousness and the mind.

It is the inherent possibilities and potential that have always drawn and attracted me to psychoanalysis, but it was the actual application and its wondrous benefits that converted me and made me a believer in its inherent power for positive and life-changing, and life-affirming change. 

It takes work but it is magical and powerful, and its liberating and healing powers are not that far off and rather quite within reach for each of us. It is the sunrise that comes after seemingly endless and sleepless nights, and I am most pleased to know and acknowledge that there are organizations like the Sigourney Trust that bring forth and shine a light on this luminous path and reward its innovative proponents, thinkers, and leaders.  

Own your own Learning: Mindful Thoughts for Students Book Review

Being a student, especially during these unprecedented times of upheaval, fear, and uncertainty marked by this ongoing pandemic, is not an easy task. Yet it is at the same time a very beautiful thing as learning not only expands the mind but gives it sustenance, nourishment, and joy. We are all life-long learners and the more readily and mindfully we approach our learning together with the increase in skills and knowledge alongside their subsequent applications and fruitful consequences, the more we will enjoy the process.

I have been a student for half of my life, and it includes some of my fondest memories, while for the second half of my life, I have found myself on the other side of the fence by teaching students. Learning has become my life-long passion and addiction, and while I was somewhat driven by academic results and necessities in my younger years, nowadays, I learn on my own, out of my own free will, and for my own joy and pleasure. Academia, knowledge, and wisdom in all their beautiful shapes and forms are ingrained into and enmeshed within my very core being, the heart of my heart.

It does not matter at what stage and position you are with your learning experience, whether you are a student at high school or university or someone who embraces learning on the fly or if you are as lucky as I am where it comes directly attached to your job description, learning can and should be fun for everyone. Here are some mindful tips for turning your learning into a more positive journey and making it a less negative experience taken directly and indirectly from a beautiful little book entitled Mindful Thoughts for Students: Nurture your Mind, Flourish in Life by Georgina Hooper.

First off, the book may be small in size – about the length of your smartphone and twice its width - but it is filled with wisdom as well as beautiful, colorful, and inspiring drawings. It fits into your pocket so you can carry this learning guide with you anywhere you go; it is a handy companion to remind yourself and to refresh your memory of being mindful in your studies, and by extension, in your life.

For starters, do not feel intimidated at the onset and during your journey. When you approach learning, it will require both time and effort but try to be less concerned or worried about the impending outcomes via tests, evaluations, and academic results. When I go over the syllabus of the course, a requirement to set the tone and to give an overview of the course at the beginning of each semester, I can feel the nervous energy and palpable worry amongst my students.

Many of my students seem already overwhelmed about the upcoming challenges, whether it is the reading materials, the pronunciation, vocabulary and grammar of a new language or the various assessments spread over the whole semester, which includes and culminates in final exams, group presentations, and essays.

But think of it as a road trip. You want to make sure you have all the necessary documents and items with you, but the fun and enjoyment lie in both the path and the destination, and it is not a matter of getting there as fast as possible but to have specific checkpoints in mind so that you do not fall behind in your schedule.

In other words, you want to be present-minded and -focused and worry less about the future of those exams, assignments, and presentations that are described in your course syllabus and are looming ahead. You also want to start fresh on a new page by unpacking and unloading all the baggage of the past, the old failures, and disappointments that you may have previously experienced in your learning and that you may be now re-attaching to your present experience. Once you clear the past, it should become easier not to feel overburdened by the potential burdens of the future.

As Georgina explains, the word for mindfulness in Japanese and Chinese consists of and is represented by the characters of “now” and “mind”; you want to have a now-mind as you are entering the new semester or the next school year, that also means that you want to be aware of and pay attention to your body, your environment, and your mental activity throughout your days of learning and studying. You should also keep in mind that the same way you are unique in the world, not every tip or technique may work for you, so by being aware of your own body and mind, you can refine, customize, and personalize your learning experience as well as study habits along the way.

I remember - both with nostalgia as well as with a certain amount of dread - the immense workload and reading that would come my way. But it is important to plan ahead of time and to manage time and tasks so that you will not experience overload. Take it as one step at a time, the same way Lao Tzu’s journey of a thousand miles had to start with the first step at some point, you would open the book and start at the first page of your learning experience. It can be reinforced by small and consistent practice in the present moment and by focusing on important bits of knowledge and skills, especially those that resonate most with you.

But do not press on too quickly. Learning is not about sprints and the faster and the better, but it is more like a marathon that would test your endurance, planning, discipline, and execution. The challenges on the way should not be avoided, feared, and least of all shunned; one should be aware of them, expect them as well as embrace them with open arms when they appear.

Over the pandemic, I gave myself a new learning challenge. I set myself the goal to learn very basic ASL (American Sign Language). Certainly, my years of learning and teaching help and aid in this matter, but still, many of the challenges are still the same with or without background knowledge and experience. First off, I would have to learn new information and skills. Using my hands instead of my mouth for speaking was something I was not very familiar with nor accustomed to.

But I knew that the best approach would be to break my ASL learning into small chunks of signs before moving on to the next batch of information. I would learn a handful (pun intended) of expressions for the day before moving on to the next signs. I would keep using and practicing them with my son or in front of the mirror so that they are committed to memory. Then, these small building blocks like Lego bricks can be used to build your own personal structures and create longer strings and messages of communication.

You can also compare it to piano scales and individual notes that you practice at first so that you can later use them to play - or even compose your own - musical pieces. At any rate, by focusing on now, the series of present moments that make up your day, you can practice the small stuff that would then lead to great heights and accomplishments in the near and far future.

As Georgina puts it quite succinctly, try not to time travel towards future outcomes and instead plant your feet firmly on and within the present moment. Awareness of your body, mind, and the current environment is key here, while an agenda and a calendar with daily and weekly steps, goals and achievements can come to your aid as well.

Try to limit and circumvent distractions both internally as well as externally. Both are challenging to control but by being at the same time disciplined and compassionate with yourself, you can certainly achieve this. The external distractions come in the form of your smartphone, which you want to keep on silent for the duration of your task at hand. The internal distractions can range from boredom to later plans for the evening and try to find and negotiate a well-balanced and gentle but firm compromise there.

As you are experiencing stress and discomfort in your learning, be reminded that mindfulness is about not always doing what you want to do nor about what feels good all the time. There are going to be days where it will be more difficult for you to engage in and connect with your studies. This could be due to natural fluctuations, the ebb and flow of motivation. Although you do not want to push too hard, you also do not want to let go completely or become too lax in your academic endeavors.

One of the most important lessons in learning and in life is to accept responsibility. This is the realization that passive learning will not get you very far in your studies, in your career, and in your life as a whole. You want to own your learning and be responsible for it and stand on your own feet. Your teacher and instructor are at best guides and facilitators, and they are temporary helpers on the path of your learning, but you must do the learning yourself.

That includes showing up. This is not only physically and mentally showing up in a face-to-face or virtual classroom but to do so wholeheartedly. You want to be all there and not let your mind be hijacked or led astray by unrelated concerns, desires, or wishes. You would want to take your learning into your own capable hands and communicate with your peers and teachers with courage and authenticity.

As teachers, we are often good at reading certain cues and signals, but we are not mindreaders. As a result, you want to ask questions when something is unclear to you or if you want to know something, or if something is troubling you and of concern to you. If you are stressed, let your teachers know. No one can offer you help if you are not showing your hand, and if we do not know what is ailing you, we cannot help you or show compassion.

Stress is part of life, and it is essential how you deal with it. As Georgina illustrates, the Buddhists use the symbol of the lotus flower to show how humans evolve, learn, and thrive and become resilient and beautiful even when or rather especially because of the mud that can serve as sustenance for our emotional, mental and spiritual development. In fact, the Chinese word for stress is made up of two characters meaning “strong” and “pressure” and it is this jolt of energy that can move and arouse us and wake us up to the challenges in front of us.

There will be setbacks, failures, and bad grades, but how you approach it and deal with it is of the utmost importance here. It goes back to owning your learning. You want to be honest with yourself and see it as helpful feedback on where to improve. In fact, you can ask your guide and facilitator, your teacher on where and how to improve. What you do not want to do is to give away control and externalize responsibility by blaming your teacher, your school, or your circumstances, rather you want to use any feedback as constructive criticism and adjust and readjust certain ways of learning and studying to achieve better results next time around.

But keep in mind, a bad grade is temporary, and it is not a death sentence. The assessment in question is designed to test and evaluate what you know at one specific moment in time. As teachers and instructors, we are cognizant and aware that learning is gradual and procedural and will involve missteps and mistakes along the way. As a result, evaluation and assessment are spread out over time, and there will be various occasions for growth as well as second chances and opportunities if the student indeed takes responsibility for their learning.

In fact, you can use mindfulness to stop you from internalizing and catastrophizing some of your bad grades and the perceived negative feedback that you receive. You want to release and let go of the weight of unrealistic expectations that you carry around with you both consciously and subconsciously as this can be the cause and precursor of a great deal of unnecessary stress. First off, it is your inner critic that sees it as negative when it is in fact helpful and useful for your learning. In fact, you want to be gentle with yourself and in many ways and manners, you could often be harsher on yourself than any teacher could ever be.

Give yourself space for errors and room for improvement and be ready to modify your learning and studying as necessary. Moreover, see the relationship between things and do not assume that teachers are out there to get you but rather build on fostering self-belief and agency. The reason you did not do well was most likely because of not paying attention, not asking questions, not giving your studies the time, focus, and energy that they deserve and merit; these realizations can often lead you to better time management and improved study habits.

Be aware that learning does not occur in a straight line and your experiences will be filled with many moments of detours and uncertainty. Yet feeling discomfort does not necessarily mean that you are on the wrong track. Sometimes these feelings may even have little to do with you and your efforts but are the symptoms and sensations that accompany growth.

Mindfulness can help you stay on track as it teaches you that whatever you might be feeling at this moment, will pass. For certain events, you just have to summon up patience, perseverance, and faith, while other events and circumstances may ask you to redirect and forge new paths. Sometimes, you will not feel in control, while at other times, the necessary actions and solutions are within your reach, at hand, and at your disposal.

Above all, and most importantly, learning is curiosity. It is you at play in your most playful state like children who approach new tasks with passion and enthusiasm. But even in the best of circumstances, play can wear you out, so you want to listen and be attuned to your body, mind, and environment and know when it is necessary to move on and when you are due for much needed and most deserved rest.

It is important to do everything you do mindfully and with a whole heart, so when you are studying, be there and ensure to be doing that. When you are not studying, be there too and immerse yourself in that experience without worrying about your studies and without carrying the looming and impending pressure of tests and assessments with you wherever you go.

The final advice both Georgina and I would like to give you is that learning does not occur in a vacuum, and it is not a solitary effort nor activity. Whether you are in an in-person or virtual classroom, your actions and behaviors influence others and the behaviors of others will influence you and your learning experience. 

Show and embody respect to yourself, others and your teachers, and the whole community as we are all part and parcel of a multidimensional community of learners. Take the path of learning both seriously and with a playful positive attitude and know that we are all building blocks towards a better future and a better life for everyone involved.

Saying No to Child Abuse: An Interview with Steve Simpson

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.”

Matthew 18:1-5

Although the emotional needs of children were a topic of concern and debate by intellectuals and poets during the period of the Enlightenment and the Romantic Period, most people including parents still perceived and conceived children to be a form of miniature adults. Children were often considered a younger not fully developed version of their parents and were often treated in similar ways than others. This is perhaps why the practice of child labor in Victorian times, vehemently exposed and decried by novelist Charles Dickens, did not raise red flags or alarms to the degree it should have and would have in today’s modern age.

Even the focus of the promising new field of psychology in the nineteenth century was squarely and firmly put on the life and well-being of adults. Although Sigmund Freud was one of the pioneers to look at and consider how and why trauma develops in early childhood, his patients and subjects were mainly adults. If they were case studies of children, as in famous cases like Little Hans, he had little personal contact with the children and the study would be undertaken to illuminate not the psychological state and the well-being of children per se but rather to serve as insight for the onset of trauma and neurosis in adult stages and conditions.

It was his own daughter Anna Freud that started to take children more seriously and fully focused on them giving them the place and the attention they deserve and need. Ever since then, our perception of children has been changing, and yet, not unlike Victorian times, there is still resistance in accepting and understanding the mindset and paradigm of children while misconceptions and misperceptions still abound, especially when it comes to good parenting and effective teaching.

Yet even long before all of this, was it not Jesus who relished in the presence of children calling them blessed and already in the state of God’s kingdom? How was such an important view of and appreciation for children not valued nor taken into consideration? And still, there were and continue to be atrocities committed to these innocent, helpless, and utterly beautiful beings during times of war and genocide, and children have been often exploited as a workforce, be it through slavery or in the form of child labor during the industrialized era up to this day.

Sadly enough, even today, we are not faring too well when it comes to the safety and protection of children. And I am not talking about evil forces that allow children to be recruited as living baits and shields for bombs and landmines or that train them to hurt and kill others. I am talking about how parents and teachers view and treat their children in the allegedly more civilized and enlightened world of ours.

More importantly, cases of child abuse abound in modern days. They are perpetrated by family members, teachers, or local community members, including religious and sports facilities that had been entrusted with the care as well as physical and spiritual development of these beings, but instead, children are horribly and cruelly abused by the people they trusted. These reprehensible and criminal acts are occurring in a climate in which child abuse is often ignored, overlooked, mishandled, or even tolerated.

Thank goodness, more and more people have the courage to speak out about their traumatic experiences as well as many other brave people who point out and strongly condemn cases of child abuse. One of these admirable people is Steve Simpson, a child advocate and the author of The Teenage and Young Adult Survival Handbook series and with whom I had the pleasure to converse about these difficult and harrowing issues. Steve’s personal experiences and insight are not only a rock and foundation for those who have suffered child abuse in all its different forms but also to all the rest of us on how to spot child abuse, what to do about it, and, most importantly, how to avoid it in the first place.

But first, let us consider Steve’s case and I am certain that many of us will not only be able to relate with his experiences, but we may also know children and subsequent adults who feel, act, and behave in that manner. Trauma can come in different forms and formats and in different shades and grades. Although most families are more or less dysfunctional, some households will perpetuate devastating effects on the children raised in those toxic environments. With Steve, it was growing up with an alcoholic father who would physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse his son.

The violent, volatile, and unstable behavior of his father would have serious and long-lasting repercussions and effects on Steve’s health and well-being. First off, in his home, Steve would always be on guard and would never be able to fully relax or enjoy these precious years of childhood and innocence. At any point in time and without any discernible reason, pretext, or warning, Steve would be hit, beaten, pushed, or have things thrown at him by his alcoholic father.

Although the physical abuse is unbearable and unimaginable by itself, it was the verbal abuse that affected him more deeply and more profoundly. This resulted in a lack of self-esteem and confidence. As a result, he would not perform well in school. Regarding that time period within the educational setting, he refers to himself as a “Z” student, the polar opposite of an “A” student.

All this has very little to do with intelligence and is certainly not due to laziness or a lack of desire; in fact, Steve immediately struck me as not only highly intelligent, both intellectually and emotionally, but he also had a profound interest in reading and writing during childhood (and not unlike someone who is typing these lines here).

Yet because of the verbal abuse that he had endured for many years, Steve, like many other victims of abuse, started to feel and believe that not only was he dumb and flawed but that his life had little value and that there was no hope nor chance for him to turn things around. This made him feel suicidal at the tender age of eleven. He felt hopeless but he also felt guilty for everything that had happened to him. Internalizing and taking on blame and guilt weighed him down and led to his desire not to die but rather to stop living under these conditions and circumstances.

No child should go through such states of suffering and depression. He got by and around through couch-surfing, that is by staying at people’s homes for a stretch of time but when protective services were contacted, he had the chance of experiencing different foster homes. Although they were far from perfect, at least, no one got violent, nor did they say horrible things to each other, and so Steve got a glimpse that changed his mindset and gave him some hope for the future: What he had perceived to be normal up to that point was in fact not necessarily the norm for everyone else.

Moreover, it was through the self-help groups that he realized he was not at fault. It had nothing to do with him but everything to do with his abusive father. An abuser will abuse others and even blame and gaslight them for the abuse, but this is far from the truth. Steve was not responsible nor did he in any way whatsoever deserve or merit the abuse nor did he bring it upon himself. It was all the perpetrator’s, his father’s, doing and undoing, and Steve did not have to carry the blame and guilt for that. That realization not only felt like a welcome emotional relief but more importantly, it demonstrated that there were a way and path out of the world of trauma.

Lo and behold, only a few years later, Steve would make things happen and move from a “Z” student to become a model student on an honor roll. The awareness that we can not only deal with but overcome and heal from trauma and abuse is powerful and uplifting. Moreover, it should also give us pause and make us more sensitive to notice cases where and when intentional and even unwanted abuse is happening. For instance, a comment or a joke may be perceived and reacted to differently by a victim of abuse, and they may even act out of line. Yet beneath it all, it is not necessarily about what one has said and done but more about what it has triggered in the other person.

So the person who wrote “Sticks and stones may break my bones/ But words shall never hurt me” had not been an abused child because those who have suffered abuse tend to become more sensitive to words and comments made by others. Words and comments made on the sly, disparaging or hurtful comments and jokes or sarcastic remarks and behaviors, such as eye-rolling and other nonverbal gestures of that ilk will affect people differently; nonetheless, those who have had a history or a past of verbal abuse may react to them much more strongly and more intensely than others would.

For instance, those who are aggressive and have violent outbursts more often than not have their own sets of traumas and traumatic experiences that are coming to the foreground. It may have little if anything to do with what one has said and done but simply be their (mis)interpretation of the situation. In either case, we should take it all, be it anger directed at us in person or via social media, with a grain of salt and stop taking everything personally. Instead, we should pause and look at others and ourselves with empathy, compassion, and understanding.

The common denominator here is that we simply do not know what the person has been through or is going through at a given moment. Instead of resorting to sarcasm, adding fuel to the fire by being aggressive to ourselves or others, by putting others on the spot or immediately calling them out on their behavior, we may want to stop for a moment, take a deep breath and instead, show compassion and empathy.

It does not hurt to be nice, friendly, and caring with others as long as it is not a case of pretense or passive-aggressive behavior. As a teacher or parent, we can also model good behavior and we may be strict and call out bad behavior, but it needs to be done in a caring, respectful, and supportive manner. Being demanding and caring are not mutually exclusive; yet being abusive is never acceptable and it does not matter whether it is at schools, at home, or at the workplace.

As Steve pointed out to me, my experience with my son’s cruel and verbally and emotionally abusive teacher who was supported and encouraged by the passive-aggressive and gaslighting principal at the time (it was a few years ago and the principal has been transferred to another place since then) was a clear case of parental bullying by school authorities. This was briefly discussed in our interview and I shall outline it in more detail in another post but let it suffice here by making clear that teachers, school staff and principals are and must be responsible for the welfare of their students (our children) irrespective of whether it is occurring during pandemic times or not.

Neither teachers nor parents want to ruin the whole perspective of school for the children, and it is important to not only keep their self-esteem intact but also to develop and promote its growth. Moreover, it is the responsibility of everyone close to children, be they parents, family members, friends, or teachers to spot and notice any sudden changes in the child’s reactions and behavior. One should then notify and let others know whether it is a case of bullying, of being bullied, or anything else that causes concern within one’s community.

As Steve explains, we are quick to call the authorities for other types and more minor forms of infringement, but we often refrain from doing so when it comes to issues of child abuse. Although at schools, teachers and principals tend to be general points of contact, it would be even better to go to social workers who are not only better trained for these types of situations but who also have more time and resources to check on students. As a parent, you want to make sure that the communication lines are open before your child decides to run away, engages in illicit and dangerous activities, or, God forbid, attempts, or commits suicide.

In certain cases, it could be avoided if you can spot the warning signs in time. It is important not to dismiss any concerning, odd, or unusual behavior. If you think a family member, relative or, friend is being abused, step in and get involved. You would need to take action, and it may even involve calling protective services, or contacting authorities. If you yourself feel that you might hurt yourself, reach out and call your local hotlines for mental health and suicide.

But many people will not run away physically, they would more often run away from their painful issues and experiences. Or they may blindly accept and believe that their suffering is a fixed and given status quo. They would essentially give up on happiness, be stuck in suffering, and try to be comfortable with it all. But you cannot escape yourself nor can you run away from trauma; it will catch up on you and catch you off-guard.

Self-esteem is not only important now; it is also of relevance in later life when it comes to relationships and for success at work. As Steve explains even celebrities may lack self-esteem as they also struggle with emotional issues and may even commit suicide. But suicide is never ever an option. It is irreversible and a permanent solution to temporary issues, no matter how significant or insurmountable we may think our problems may be at any given moment. Both Steve and I wholeheartedly agree that things will always get better. It often needs time and effort, but it will. The dark cloud that is over your head will be lifted.

However, no one is asked to do this alone and there is help around us all. It is essential to reach out and look for it. There is nothing embarrassing about asking for help. Furthermore, it would help to help others. When you help others, not only are you doing good unto others, but you also realize how much you have to give, and it will raise your self-esteem. It is best to volunteer and join clubs to make a difference in other people’s lives so that your own life can be touched and changed as well. While abuse is a vicious cycle, help is its opposite beneficial cycle, and what goes around comes around.

Finally, there are two things that we should keep in mind both for ourselves as well as for others. No one has to be sad and be in an abusive situation or relationship. This applies to all our intimate relationships ranging from family, friendships to partners and spouses. Secondly, no one has the right to abuse us or others and we all have the responsibility to make this clear through our words and actions by saying no to all forms of abuse and by especially standing up for all those who find it hard to stand on their two feet, precious children who need our help.

Many thanks to Steve Simpson and Tara Schwartz, and Kristi Hughes!

For the full-length interview with Steve Simpson on YouTube, please click: here. 

The interview is also available at Arash's World Podcast.