At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.”
Matthew 18:1-5
Although the emotional needs of children were a topic of concern and debate by intellectuals and poets during the period of the Enlightenment and the Romantic Period, most people including parents still perceived and conceived children to be a form of miniature adults. Children were often considered a younger not fully developed version of their parents and were often treated in similar ways than others. This is perhaps why the practice of child labor in Victorian times, vehemently exposed and decried by novelist Charles Dickens, did not raise red flags or alarms to the degree it should have and would have in today’s modern age.
Even the focus of the promising new field of
psychology in the nineteenth century was squarely and firmly put on the life
and well-being of adults. Although Sigmund Freud was one of the pioneers to
look at and consider how and why trauma develops in early childhood, his patients
and subjects were mainly adults. If they were case studies of children, as in famous
cases like Little Hans, he had little personal contact with the children and
the study would be undertaken to illuminate not the psychological state and the well-being of children per se but rather to serve as insight for the onset of
trauma and neurosis in adult stages and conditions.
It was his own daughter Anna Freud that started to take
children more seriously and fully focused on them giving them the place and the attention they deserve and need. Ever since then, our perception of children
has been changing, and yet, not unlike Victorian times, there is still
resistance in accepting and understanding the mindset and paradigm of children while
misconceptions and misperceptions still abound, especially when it comes to
good parenting and effective teaching.
Yet even long before all of this, was it not Jesus who
relished in the presence of children calling them blessed and already in the
state of God’s kingdom? How was such an important view of and appreciation for
children not valued nor taken into consideration? And still, there were and
continue to be atrocities committed to these innocent, helpless, and utterly
beautiful beings during times of war and genocide, and children have been often
exploited as a workforce, be it through slavery or in the form of child labor during the industrialized era up to this day.
Sadly enough, even today, we are not faring too well
when it comes to the safety and protection of children. And I am not talking
about evil forces that allow children to be recruited as living baits and
shields for bombs and landmines or that train them to hurt and kill others. I
am talking about how parents and teachers view and treat their children in the
allegedly more civilized and enlightened world of ours.
More importantly, cases of child abuse abound in
modern days. They are perpetrated by family members, teachers, or local
community members, including religious and sports facilities that had been
entrusted with the care as well as physical and spiritual development of these
beings, but instead, children are horribly and cruelly abused by the people they
trusted. These reprehensible and criminal acts are occurring in a climate in
which child abuse is often ignored, overlooked, mishandled, or even tolerated.
Thank goodness, more and more people have the courage
to speak out about their traumatic experiences as well as many other brave
people who point out and strongly condemn cases of child abuse. One of these
admirable people is Steve Simpson, a child advocate and the author of The Teenage and Young Adult Survival
Handbook series and with
whom I had the pleasure to converse about these difficult and harrowing issues.
Steve’s personal experiences and insight are not only a rock and foundation for
those who have suffered child abuse in all its different forms but also to all
the rest of us on how to spot child abuse, what to do about it, and, most importantly,
how to avoid it in the first place.
But first, let us consider Steve’s case and I am
certain that many of us will not only be able to relate with his experiences,
but we may also know children and subsequent adults who feel, act, and behave
in that manner. Trauma can come in different forms and formats and in different
shades and grades. Although most families are more or less dysfunctional, some
households will perpetuate devastating effects on the children raised in those toxic
environments. With Steve, it was growing up with an alcoholic father who would
physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse his son.
The violent, volatile, and unstable behavior of his
father would have serious and long-lasting repercussions and effects on Steve’s
health and well-being. First off, in his home, Steve would always be on guard
and would never be able to fully relax or enjoy these precious years of
childhood and innocence. At any point in time and without any discernible
reason, pretext, or warning, Steve would be hit, beaten, pushed, or have things
thrown at him by his alcoholic father.
Although the physical abuse is unbearable and
unimaginable by itself, it was the verbal abuse that affected him more deeply
and more profoundly. This resulted in a lack of self-esteem and confidence. As
a result, he would not perform well in school. Regarding that time period
within the educational setting, he refers to himself as a “Z” student, the polar
opposite of an “A” student.
All this has very little to do with intelligence and
is certainly not due to laziness or a lack of desire; in fact, Steve immediately
struck me as not only highly intelligent, both intellectually and emotionally,
but he also had a profound interest in reading and writing during childhood
(and not unlike someone who is typing these lines here).
Yet because of the verbal abuse that he had endured
for many years, Steve, like many other victims of abuse, started to feel and
believe that not only was he dumb and flawed but that his life had little value
and that there was no hope nor chance for him to turn things around. This made
him feel suicidal at the tender age of eleven. He felt hopeless but he also
felt guilty for everything that had happened to him. Internalizing and taking
on blame and guilt weighed him down and led to his desire not to die but rather
to stop living under these conditions and circumstances.
No child should go through such states of suffering
and depression. He got by and around through couch-surfing, that is by staying
at people’s homes for a stretch of time but when protective services were
contacted, he had the chance of experiencing different foster homes. Although
they were far from perfect, at least, no one got violent, nor did they say
horrible things to each other, and so Steve got a glimpse that changed his
mindset and gave him some hope for the future: What he had perceived to be
normal up to that point was in fact not necessarily the norm for everyone else.
Moreover, it was through the self-help groups that he
realized he was not at fault. It had nothing to do with him but everything to
do with his abusive father. An abuser will abuse others and even blame and gaslight them
for the abuse, but this is far from the truth. Steve was not responsible nor
did he in any way whatsoever deserve or merit the abuse nor did he bring it upon himself. It
was all the perpetrator’s, his father’s, doing and undoing, and Steve did not
have to carry the blame and guilt for that. That realization not only felt like
a welcome emotional relief but more importantly, it demonstrated that there were a way and path out of the world of trauma.
Lo and behold, only a few years later, Steve would make
things happen and move from a “Z” student to become a model student on an
honor roll. The awareness that we can not only deal with but overcome and heal
from trauma and abuse is powerful and uplifting. Moreover, it should also give
us pause and make us more sensitive to notice cases where and when intentional
and even unwanted abuse is happening. For instance, a comment or a joke may be
perceived and reacted to differently by a victim of abuse, and they may even act
out of line. Yet beneath it all, it is not necessarily about what one has said
and done but more about what it has triggered in the other person.
So the person who wrote
“Sticks and stones may break my bones/ But words shall never hurt me” had not been an abused
child because those who have suffered abuse tend to become more sensitive to
words and comments made by others. Words and comments made on the sly,
disparaging or hurtful comments and jokes or sarcastic remarks and behaviors,
such as eye-rolling and other nonverbal gestures of that ilk will affect people
differently; nonetheless, those who have had a history or a past of verbal
abuse may react to them much more strongly and more intensely than others
would.
For instance, those who are aggressive and have
violent outbursts more often than not have their own sets of traumas and
traumatic experiences that are coming to the foreground. It may have little if
anything to do with what one has said and done but simply be their
(mis)interpretation of the situation. In either case, we should take it all, be
it anger directed at us in person or via social media, with a grain of salt and
stop taking everything personally. Instead, we should pause and look at
others and ourselves with empathy, compassion, and understanding.
The common denominator here is that we simply do not
know what the person has been through or is going through at a given moment.
Instead of resorting to sarcasm, adding fuel to the fire by being aggressive to
ourselves or others, by putting others on the spot or immediately calling them
out on their behavior, we may want to stop for a moment, take a deep breath and
instead, show compassion and empathy.
It does not hurt to be nice, friendly, and caring with
others as long as it is not a case of pretense or passive-aggressive behavior.
As a teacher or parent, we can also model good behavior and we may be strict
and call out bad behavior, but it needs to be done in a caring, respectful, and
supportive manner. Being demanding and caring are not mutually exclusive; yet
being abusive is never acceptable and it does not matter whether it is at
schools, at home, or at the workplace.
As Steve pointed out to me, my experience with my
son’s cruel and verbally and emotionally abusive teacher who was supported and
encouraged by the passive-aggressive and gaslighting principal at the time (it
was a few years ago and the principal has been transferred to another place
since then) was a clear case of parental bullying by school authorities. This
was briefly discussed in our interview and I shall outline it in more detail in
another post but let it suffice here by making clear that teachers, school
staff and principals are and must be responsible for the welfare of their
students (our children) irrespective of whether it is occurring during pandemic
times or not.
Neither teachers nor parents want to ruin the whole
perspective of school for the children, and it is important to not only keep
their self-esteem intact but also to develop and promote its growth. Moreover,
it is the responsibility of everyone close to children, be they parents, family
members, friends, or teachers to spot and notice any sudden changes in the
child’s reactions and behavior. One should then notify and let others know
whether it is a case of bullying, of being bullied, or anything else that causes
concern within one’s community.
As Steve explains, we are quick to call the authorities
for other types and more minor forms of infringement, but we often refrain from
doing so when it comes to issues of child abuse. Although at schools, teachers
and principals tend to be general points of contact, it would be even better to
go to social workers who are not only better trained for these types of
situations but who also have more time and resources to check on students. As a
parent, you want to make sure that the communication lines are open before your
child decides to run away, engages in illicit and dangerous activities, or, God
forbid, attempts, or commits suicide.
In certain cases, it could be avoided if you can spot
the warning signs in time. It is important not to dismiss any concerning, odd, or unusual behavior. If you think a family member, relative or, friend is
being abused, step in and get involved. You would need to take action, and it
may even involve calling protective services, or contacting authorities. If you
yourself feel that you might hurt yourself, reach out and call your local hotlines for mental health and suicide.
But many people will not run away physically, they
would more often run away from their painful issues and experiences. Or they
may blindly accept and believe that their suffering is a fixed and given status quo. They
would essentially give up on happiness, be stuck in suffering, and try to be
comfortable with it all. But you cannot escape yourself nor can you run away
from trauma; it will catch up on you and catch you off-guard.
Self-esteem is not only important now; it is also of
relevance in later life when it comes to relationships and for success at work.
As Steve explains even celebrities may lack self-esteem as they also struggle
with emotional issues and may even commit suicide. But suicide is never ever an
option. It is irreversible and a permanent solution to temporary issues, no
matter how significant or insurmountable we may think our problems may be at
any given moment. Both Steve and I wholeheartedly agree that things will always
get better. It often needs time and effort, but it will. The dark cloud that is
over your head will be lifted.
However, no one is asked to do this alone and there is
help around us all. It is essential to reach out and look for it. There is
nothing embarrassing about asking for help. Furthermore, it would help to help
others. When you help others, not only are you doing good unto others, but you
also realize how much you have to give, and it will raise your self-esteem. It
is best to volunteer and join clubs to make a difference in other people’s
lives so that your own life can be touched and changed as well. While abuse is
a vicious cycle, help is its opposite beneficial cycle, and what goes around
comes around.
Finally, there are two things that we should keep in mind both for ourselves as well as for others. No one has to be sad and be in an abusive situation or relationship. This applies to all our intimate relationships ranging from family, friendships to partners and spouses. Secondly, no one has the right to abuse us or others and we all have the responsibility to make this clear through our words and actions by saying no to all forms of abuse and by especially standing up for all those who find it hard to stand on their two feet, precious children who need our help.
Many thanks to Steve Simpson and Tara Schwartz, and Kristi Hughes!
For the full-length interview with Steve Simpson on YouTube, please click: here.
The interview is also available at Arash's World Podcast.
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