Jung’s Different Stages of Life Plus Midlife Crisis as a Wake-up Call

So I recently stumbled (and that occurred via various detours, signposts, and coincidences) upon Jung’s essay on the different phases of life. Let me state though that neither Jung nor myself actually believe in coincidences, so this essay found its way to me at the right moment or rather at the right stage of my life.

More on this later but suffice to say that the essay is a more condensed and somewhat rudimentary version of psychodynamic development as it is lacking the fullness and detail of Erik Erikson’s explicit stages. Nonetheless, Jung’s approach has its own rather interesting flair with the focus being more on main themes of life as opposed to outlining specific conflicts and struggles within certain life periods.

From the get-go, Jung states his views on the differences, distinctions, and dynamic interplay between instinct and consciousness. Instinct is how we respond to events and our surroundings and it is set by nature. Yet it is consciousness that represents a different and perhaps more unique and individualized way of doing things. Jung contrasts consciousness from instinct and nature and equates it with culture, which represents moving away from both instinct and nature.

In that sense, culture as a form of growing consciousness is something that has refined itself over the many centuries and may even challenge natural processes or ways of doing things as it continues to evolve. Culture is richer and more sophisticated in thought, reflection, and action whereas nature is more passive, counts on reflexes, prefers routines and rituals and tends to be less progressive in outlook and philosophy.

None of this should be confused with society, which may confuse itself and others throughout the process. Society may aid but often tends to block and hinder consciousness. For instance, society prizes achievement as opposed to personality. Achievements tend to be things you do but does not really take into account who you are.

The latter occurs posthumously where personality would be acknowledged and recognized since achievements have now run their course. Such and such was a kind and wonderful person is heard more on funerals than in real-life situations. Hence, we can see that money, status, social standing and even family are not elements of culture but rather of instinct. They are driving us toward survival but less so towards growth and thriving.

Interestingly, Jung is not particularly interested in the first phase, namely that of childhood; no wonder because it is such a vital complex stage upon which there is already tons of excellent psychanalytic literature in existence. He also adds old age as a coda that he barely fleshes out except to say that it functions in the same vein as childhood. Both stages make us dependent upon others; in the case of children for bare survival and that can also be reflected in older age especially if there are deteriorating health conditions involved. Those phases tend to be more instinctual in outlook and lifestyle and more often than not mandated by necessity or biological parameters and determinants.

Hence, Jung’s principal focus is on the adjacent stages of young adulthood as well as midlife. This is mainly because of the previously mentioned distinguishing characteristics between instinct and consciousness. As instinct is our natural operating process, we do not need reflection or evaluation but act like reflexes according to our physical and mental needs.

We sleep when we are tired and eat when we are hungry. Generally speaking, this automatic status does not involve much thought or struggle; the child depends upon others to feed them and is dimly aware of any potential dangers and difficulties and does not have to make specific choices. In fact, they may not be aware of any other choices or alternatives.

In contrast, the youth becomes more aware of their surroundings and must begin to not only make decisions but also distinguish themselves from other beings; hence, the seed of individuation is planted within the individual’s psyche. It is this consciousness, which leads that person to reach their zenith; young adulthood may propel us on making it in the world, i.e. attaining success and social standing and of potentially taking care of a family.

As we can see the focus is on the outer world and material aspects are brought into the foreground. Money not personality is the factor that is highly correlated with success and distinguishes one person in society from another. This is part of the drive of the instinct and survival, which includes everything from money to social standing and even starting a family.

To reiterate, instinct is linked to nature, while consciousness is the stepping away from both instinct and nature and is more closely tied to culture. It becomes interesting that social values are often aligned with instinct and nature and not so much with consciousness at least not in their individual form and format.

Sadly, as Jung notes in his essay, personality is not encouraged nor celebrated enough during a lifetime; in fact, it is often underlined posthumously when people claim how such and such person was very good, responsible, or caring. During their lifetimes, we are a work of progress, and our personality plays second fiddle, and especially in our current climate a simple faux pas or a few misspoken words may quickly unravel a whole of life of dedication and moral fortitude like a house of cards.

With this in mind, we can now enter the meats and bones of Jung’s argument. Barring the first and the fourth and final phase, where we tend to be more limited and restrained in capacity and capability, young and middle adulthood are the most fruitful and productive stages of our lives.

In the former, we are making a name for ourselves, but we are also prioritizing certain aspects over others. The values of success gain dominance over those of personality. Certain wishes and desires are driven into the unconscious. For instance, childhood dreams may be ignored, and more importance is given to more practical solutions and outcomes. Becoming an artist, writer or filmmaker does not cut it and instead we look for more stable professions that guarantee a certain amount of income.

At the same time, we may make romantic choices more upon feasibility and suitability and less on love and passion. Any time we make a decision, it comes at the expense of something else, so it involves a certain kind of compromise or rupture, whether this is done consciously or unconsciously is up for debate. Incidentally, with decisions, we engage in a type of cision as we cut away all the surrounding potentials and end up with a certain piece that is concrete and rather limited in its form and scope.

Yet all the decisions we do not make, all the dreams we do not pursue continue to be lodged in our unconscious. This may be when we have everything we wished for, a family, a house, a car, a job with a stable income but something is definitely missing. And yet, we cannot put a finger upon our malaise except that something is off.

Most of the things we were striving for do not cut it for us. We still see value in them and appreciate them, but we also realize that it came at a cost. There are two options from here on. Middle age can be the time where we continue to ignore those nagging desires and continue and march on. This can then carry over into old age that is filled with regrets, resentment and a feeling or sense of missed opportunities.

Unfortunately, at that point, it may be too late to do anything. Jung even provides a French quote here: “Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait” to demonstrate the dilemma, if youth only knew and had the answers of our mature state and if only old age had the power and prowess to make it happen. And at that point, especially if you do not believe in an afterlife, you may come to believe that your life had little to no meaning and did not serve a purpose, and you might get the impression that your life has been wasted.

The other choice is to take action. In that case, what is known and referred as “midlife crisis” can propel us to initiate and even create some kind of transformation. It could be minor or major in its scope and outlook. This is when people drastically change their status quo for something entirely different and something that resonates more with their heart’s desire. It can be actively crossing off our bucket list or a reset to our lives, a new beginning, a new start and lease on life.

At that point, we may also care less about what others think, what society thinks of us or how a life should be lived, a time where we reject to a certain extent the plausible and real for a world that is filled with magic and dreams. Please note that this last part is more about me than Jung, but it is what his essay provokes and ignites in me.

Midlife crisis does not have to be a crisis but rather a message to our psyche that life is too precious to undergo and limit oneself to compromises and sacrifices. It is most important to ground and find oneself not by looking for outward recognition but by looking within and then to live not by the dictates of others, be it parents, loved ones, friends, society or even one’s community but living and thriving according to who you truly are, your very own core sense of being.

Reflections on Luck: David Milch’s Series on Horse Racing and My Own Life Karma

I’m fascinated and maybe slightly obsessed with horses now. This is news and unexpected to me because equines had never stood out for me, with the brief exception of Mister Ed, a show that I had sporadically watched in my younger years. Two things did not strike me as odd back then since I took them for granted and as a given: one, that a horse could talk - why, of course, they can! - and two, that I should be actually watching a show in which a horse would talk.

After that, horses completely disappeared out my life - except one scary pony ride but we shan’t talk about that - until my recent decision to watch David Milch’s series called Luck. This show deals with the world of horse racing and everything else that’s even remotely related and connected to it. Although luck, coincidences, synchronicity and serendipity are all themes that have always been of interest to me and that I have previously written, thought, blogged about in one way or another, I got into this series for quite a different reason.

As luck would have it, I happened to ask myself one day, what were some of my all-time favorite series, and David Milch’s Deadwood sprang to mind. The series stood out for me because of its colorful language and its well-rounded characters. By colorful, I don’t necessarily mean the swearing and cussing – though there are exorbitant amounts of that and at times a bit too much for my innocent prudish ears – but rather the poetry behind them. It felt like profanity-ridden Shakespeare on steroids.

But entering Luck was a different ballgame altogether. This was another series that came to a sudden halt but at least it was not as screeching as Deadwood, which ended on a climax and left us not only hanging for more but literally hanging. The addition of the TV movie many moons later was welcome news, but it was too little too late for me.

My initial hesitation to enter the world of Luck was that there was little appeal for me to begin with. I was not a fan of horse racing nor gambling. The fact that it got cancelled due to accidents surrounding a few of its horses, which had to be euthanized, only underscored the irony of the situation. In a series that purported to analyze luck while also imbuing all episodes with a palpable love and concern for horses and their wellbeing, it was highly unlucky that it ended up being eventually cancelled at the behest of PETA.

Yet, apart from learning some of the ins and outs of the world of horse racing, what trainers and owners go through, how agents recruit jockeys and how jockeys train and how - not unlike supermodels - they have to watch their weight to be able to ride and participate, and let alone all the folks betting money on potential outcomes, there was a lot to digest in this series.

To be honest, I needed at least three episodes to get used to the jargon and understand some of the motivations behind the characters but albeit confusing, it was never boring to me nor was it ever too much to handle. Incidentally, I was happy and content to find out that seasoned critics had been struggling with the same issues, so it was not just me nor my lack of knowledge and understanding at play here.

The most fascinating thing, without giving much away here, is that Milch looks at luck from an objective almost clinical perspective. In a way, he shuns our traditional and admittedly moral view of good versus bad luck. Bad things happen but then they may lead to good outcomes, while good outcomes can have negative consequences while at the same time, there are good intentions that lead to tragic and disastrous results. At other times, luck has no repercussion or value whatsoever on some of its protagonists. They either don’t see it or just don’t care.

Early on in the series, a group of friends make a bet, and they win big time. Now we would say that they are lucky. But for starters, this was due to a meticulous and hard-earned winning strategy by one of the group’s masterminds – let’s call him Jerry because that was his name - who made very precise and calculated bets that luckily enough paid off.

Yet, we soon find out that this genius on the horse racetrack has been struggling with his own set of demons. He has a gambling addiction and loses most of his share in playing poker against a Chinese shark; they mock and spar with each other and egg the other one on to continue playing with racist jeers from either side. The previous gain from the bet is making Jerry play and play on and lose more money hence turning what ought to be beneficial into something detrimental.

All the while, the group is hesitant to declare their winnings at first. This is because they are paranoid that somebody could try to steal the money from them, to rob them. As a result, they are trying to keep a low profile. And just like the gambling addiction, they do not call it quits, taking their winnings and starting their new happy life; no, they keep on betting because they want to win even more money, and thus the vicious cycle continues. To increase their winnings, they even buy their own horse to run and bet on, and they take on added responsibilities of paying a trainer all the time worrying about their horse’s health, a common preoccupation among this type of ownership.

Now what has all or any of that to do with my own life? Apart from me wanting to go to my very first horse race soon – I will keep you posted with a post on that! - and being drawn to anything horse-related - there was a weekend I attended an awesome show entitled Blue Horse Opera (by the way horse opera was a term used for westerns and it was not an opera) and later attending a wine tasting of a local vineyard run by a French-speaking philosopher-friend entitled Whispering Horse, which I am going to drink around Thanksgiving - there are certain aspects that have been shaping my own perspective on luck and karma.

I have noted and it is something I repeatedly mention on my podcast that it is the suffering or admittedly bad luck that helps us advance more in our quest for spiritual growth and healing as opposed to when things are just fine or going well for us. This is because when things are going good, there is little incentive or motivation to do things differently: if it ain’t exactly broke, why the hell would you want to fix it in the first place?

It’s when things go sour, and worse, when you are about to hit rock bottom that you are forced to do things differently or change your view and outlook on certain things. This is also directly related to my view of luck. I would consider myself lucky overall but have had ratches of not-so-good luck even though I have been working and trying very hard.

This has been felt and observed in my personal and professional life. I just could not help feeling that the cards seem to be stacked against me. Yes, I am blessed in many ways and very grateful for many good things that I have in my life but there has always been a cap, which I have found rather unreasonable and not proportional to the amount of work, effort, energy, and good will that I bring to the table. To put it more bluntly, I feel that I am not getting what I’m due and that I’m being short-changed in the process.

In other words, I’m still waiting for a lucky break, and karma just does not seem to be on my side. I do understand that this is a rather simplistic view of things, and it has a why me or oh-woe-me flavor to it. It reached its apex around two years ago when I was crossing the Burrard bridge after a Cosmic Night event at the Space Centre. I had just missed the bus and was stuck in the cold with both my professional and personal life in shambles at the time.

They still are by the way but I have come to accept that things do take their time, that even though I experience headwinds they do not last forever – albeit a really long time – and yet, I have to keep trying and preserve my vision and pursue my dreams despite the odds. This is often difficult and very frustrating when things do not work out for no apparent reason. It is like studying very hard for an exam and still failing it over and over again.

It feels not fair, and one may even feel entitled to get angry and lash out, but this is not how I want to react from now on. I want to continue working and trying hard for its own sake by not expecting (immediate) results. And in fact, ever since I am focusing only on the path and the journey by lessening my own wishes and expectations, I find myself in a much happier state. All I can do is to be true to myself and try as hard as I can.

Certainly, the desire to have tangible outcomes is important, and without it, I would be deluding myself but at the same time, expecting things to work out simply because one puts in the effort goes counter to how real life and karma work. There is a lot to be happy about and it is my own negative – and why not spell it out: toxic – way of seeing things that gets in the way of my own happiness.

What if things are going exactly the way they are and they are supposed to go and that my own luck and happiness with smooth sailing are just around the corner but that I cannot see it yet? What if the next curve or curve ball will lead me to my own treasure, not only an outer one but more importantly an inner one?

And yet, I feel very happy, and yes, lucky, and the rest shall fall into place sooner or later. What I need to do in the meantime is to empty myself from certain unreasonable and inflexible demands of the petty and limited ego voice and be open and receptive to what shall come my way and then embrace it wholeheartedly. It most likely is not what I expect but it may be in fact even better. And it’s going to be about time that my chickens will come home to roost, and my horse will finally win the highly coveted and cherished Kentucky Derby!

Year-End Reflections: Continuing the Path of Transformation and Healing

Another year is ending; not much has changed from the outside, and yet this year has been an anomaly in a few ways and manners. 2024 began on one side of the fence, the familiar, the commonplace, the routine, the usual habits, and fears alongside a (long) list of grievances, complaints, wishes, and desires. In short, the usual and the typical push and pull that epitomizes New Year’s Resolutions, the wish and desire factors pinned against the real and practical with the usual suspects and culprits of more joy and less weight topping the good old (wish) list.

In that sense and from that viewpoint, nothing has apparently or effectively changed as life is flowing on the same path: I have not traveled nor switched jobs, I have not received a promotion (if my employer is reading this, please take note and hopefully also some action in this regard), I have yet to go viral or achieve overnight success, and my belly fat is still where it is at. All this time, true love, the one that knocks off your socks and takes you on a thrill ride remains as elusive as it has been since time immemorial.

Although the context and situations may look like they are business as usual, the inner world and the personally experienced emotions and reactions are not. Something has clicked, switched, and moved on a deep level. This has been part of a process that has been continuing and building over a period of years now (you can read about it here), but this year has most definitely accelerated it. When I compare myself to the person I was at the onset of the year, it feels like two different results or versions show up with the latter and updated one being the preferred, better, fitter, happier, and improved version so-to-speak.

It is perhaps the step right before synthesis, which is building upon and going beyond a mere plan, the illustrated map, the vision board, or setting willful intentions. It is like being ready for a trip: passport in hand (something that is only meant metaphorically here because despite good intentions, I have yet to submit the paperwork for my passport application!), with visa requirements and immunization all taken care of and the ticket fully paid for but still not sure where the destination is (or who the traveling companion will be), except that it is going to be an amazing and mind-blowing experience.

Put differently, you have made the gains but have not cashed them in yet; you have an awesome podcast that you have not monetized yet, or, and perhaps my favorite analogy here, you have picked the winning numbers but are yet to claim the grand lottery prize.

Add to this the necessary emotional and mental precursors and prep work that has already been covered and gone into it (i.e., getting rid of previous excess baggage though I am still missing or needing a few more items here and there in my metaphorical luggage) so that I am all in, psyched up and prepared for the giant leap into the unknown. The remaining gap can be somewhat reduced via intuition, a feeling that this or that would be the right thing to do despite not knowing exactly what it is that is heading towards me and/or that I am heading towards, barring that it could all be a matter of wishful thinking (though I fully wish it were not so).

I can only state that something outstanding is about or bound to happen and that I am looking forward to it. This is not only desire, the wish for something to happen and closing your eyes and crossing your fingers for it to appear but it also includes dotting the i’s with the internal and external hard work connected to this type of manifestation.

This is something that I have experienced to some extent in previously expressed wishes (right here on this blog as a matter of fact) that did indeed come true, yet we are talking about a whole different ballgame and arena here. I am going to get into some of the specifics in a bit, but for now, the best way I can explain it is this: you need to first create the necessary inner qualities to be able to materialize what you desire most until it can actually appear in front of you, a kind of master appearing when the student is ready type of scenario.

In terms of relationships, it is about clearing pervious trauma and negative experiences to not only see and feel things more clearly but to be able to take appropriate action and make better decisions from now on and going forward. In terms of jobs, it is not only having the necessary requirements in terms of education, skills, and experience but to round it out with a newly found confidence in yourself with the necessary dose of stamina and resilience.

You must first believe it deep within. It is all about dreaming big and finally being ready to respond to and act upon the given opportunities, to accept the marvelous gifts of the universe without second-guessing yourself or dousing it with feelings of guilt and unworthiness that often lurk in the shadows.

It is being yourself, true to your principles, authentic to your core values while also saying, nay shouting a big and uncompromising YES to life and to the universe. It is a sense of earned entitlement and deserved privilege that you embrace wholeheartedly not only for the good of yourself but by extension for the good of the community and the world around you.

One of the mistakes that many make here is comparing yourself to others. Although it can motivate and drive you and serve as a push to get you off the couch and do something, it is still misguided because they are them and you are you. It is not even a case of apples and oranges: the personalities and situations and circumstances are so different that you cannot possibly compare one with the other.

That said, there are still basic truths and rights that underlie us as humans and spiritual beings that apply to each and everyone. But again, it is more about core similarities than perceived differences. The truth is one and the same, but it is expressed and embodied in different ways and manners.

So much for the aspects of the soul and now a few things I would like to point out in terms of the specifications of how this transformation may be brought about. The main stumbling block is fear in all shapes, sizes, and formats: the fear of being yourself often counter-balanced against the fear of not being yourself, the fear of what others think of you, the fear of missing out and wasting your life, the fear of making a wrong decision, the fear of hurting others versus the fear of being hurt.

This list goes on and is unending, but it can be reduced to a common denominator: insecurity around being and loving yourself combined with concerns around being loved and accepted by others. It is also about lacking faith and confidence in yourself and constantly worrying about what may or may not occur in your life.

This has been my work in progress, but it has felt quite comforting to be able to work certain things out, at least in terms of processing them and clearing obstacles on the path ahead. One of the ways of doing it was also changing certain habits and patterns, that is simply doing things differently or doing different things.

I used to equate the gym with literal hell. I was adamant and stubborn about entering there over my dead body. And I meant it. Yet now, over the past months, I have been going about two or three times a week, and the oddest thing of it all is that I often look forward to it! That one I did not see coming but it helped to release the subconscious holds, brakes, and obstacles, and then be able to move forward more freely.

Another one was to socialize with others. That can be overwhelming but not so much, if you find yourself in groups that you enjoy and that appreciate you. For instance, I have signed up and shown up for regular French group meetings, then added on, a German language club, and it is amazing and magical to immerse yourself in these worlds and spaces and to connect with others without having to travel far and wide.

Not to mention the absolutely wonderful philosophy groups I regularly attend and where a community of like-minded and curious people discuss different topics and issues. It is enriching and stimulating not only because there is something to be learned from each session but to know that deep inside, we are all not that different from each other despite our differences in views, opinions, and philosophies. And yes, that we can get along if we wish to do so.

Finally, I would be amiss not to mention the awesome local writers’ group I began attending at the beginning of the year. I had previously attended a few other groups and had also created and run my own way back, but this one has been a goldmine. What I love about it is that it is a true community that cares about all types of writing and where they offer unflinching support while also delivering at times deliciously blunt and in-your-face (for the most part) constructive criticism. They are partly responsible for me picking up the proverbial pen and writing a few poems as well as a novella over this year.

So these are my reflections for a year that was promising with the promise of an even bigger year to come. It has been great to stimulate and build upon both the body and the mind to improve overall health and wellbeing. Most of all, I am most grateful for this year, which has brought its share of challenges, but also wonderful insights and great moments shared with others alongside a better appreciation of myself.

A Happy New Year to each and every one of you and a big thank you for visiting my blog and checking out my podcast!

Authenticity, Role-Playing and Leading Double Lives in Bertolucci's Last Tango in Paris

One of the movies that had been on my watchlist for a very long time, we may be even talking decades here, is Bernardo Bertolucci’s notorious and controversial Last Tango in Paris. Bertolucci was known to often push the envelope, yet in this case, it may have backfired a bit. It seems that the film got a lot of attention and publicity for the wrong reasons and for its somewhat shallower and superficial aspects, which overshadowed its different strengths alongside the depth expressed in this idiosyncratic film.

The frankness and vulgarity can feel shocking and even jarring to this day, whereas the graphic nature and the explicitness in terms of sexuality fail to compare with other films that have radically pushed ahead and passed and surpassed many taboos and boundaries since the inception of this film. Arguably, this may have been due to the existence of Bertolucci’s groundbreaking Tango and let us not forget that famed French enfant terrible filmmaker Catherine Breillat appears briefly in it; still, there is more than meets the eye and much more to this movie than its controversy.

In fact, the strength of this film lies in what it has to say about its characters and their relationships with themselves and with others, including but not solely pertaining to issues of sexuality and the physical expression thereof. Furthermore, the film brings up and touches upon various themes that play with notions of reality versus fiction, lived versus imagined lives, and wishful thinking versus the reality of things. On the surface, it is an anti-romantic and anti-idealistic film but somehow it ends up holding and containing certain elements and seeds of romance and idealism within its dark heart.

To further explore this, the symbol of the double is of relevance. Interestingly, the word double has in fact two meanings. On one hand, it is a copy or mirror image of something or someone, while on the other hand, it is a splitting and separating into two, which may contain unequal or unwanted parts.

In the first instance, we have a type of doppelganger, someone who looks, acts or thinks as we do. The focus is on similarities, which can be eerie in some cases, and it is not unlike being identical twins. A cinematic equivalent of this would be Kieslowski’s The Double Life of Veronique where it seems that the same person is simultaneously living in two different parts of the world (Weronika in Poland and Veronique in France) as a type of carbon copy or duplicate of the other. This double life is as if the same soul had been split into two equal or equivalent parts of the self with each leading its own separate existence miles apart.

Yet sometimes, the double is the shadow or the shadowy self, the parts within us we don’t acknowledge or do not wish to, and this has been exemplified in the push and pull of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, for instance. The personalities lead a double life as there are two different sides to them that for one reason or another are hard to reconcile within the same person and their shared environment.

In fact, the art of filmmaking falls somewhere between both realms. Some filmmakers may create an alter ego, a character that shares many similarities with its creator, say Guido in Fellini’s 8 ½. At the same time, no matter how faithful the representation may be of the real person or real things and events, the film only manages to reflect them and can only be based on them as it is not able to fully and accurately capture the entirety, the same way a snapshot does not give us the full picture.

The problem is that the event cannot be identical with its representation, no matter how hard one tries, and the closest you can come to a potential replica would be to do a documentary on it; and yet, focus, editing, and other filmmaking choices can slightly - or significantly - distort the issues and facts at hand.

Let us now discuss the different doubles and their reflections, deflections, and mirror images in Bertolucci’s film. Please be aware that from now on there will be major spoilers and do proceed at your own caution. You can of course watch the film first and then return but again, you may need to proceed with caution.

 

The Double Life of Paul

The main protagonist played by Marlon Brando creates a double life for himself. His wife has just committed suicide, and he feels angry, lost, and in limbo. He is looking for a place to stay and then meets Jeanne by accident. It is not that he is sexually attracted to her (at least not initially) as he shows little interest in her or anybody else for that matter. Both are just taking or filling up space in an apartment that feels as dark and gloomy as Paul’s soul.

Yet suddenly and with little warning, he grabs her and makes love to her. It is instinctual and animalistic and has very little to do with any type of feeling. She goes along and does not resist him. Then both walk out, each their own way. But something lingers within each of them, so they decide to continue meeting for these clandestine sexual trysts, but he sets the ground rules from the beginning.

It is essential, he proclaims, to stay away from personal details and information with absolutely no names whatsoever. Each would remain anonymous in this artificial space, and they would agree to never meet outside of the confines of the apartment. After a while, Jeanne finds this frustrating as she has become curious about this strange enigmatic man. Oddly enough, it is this air of mystery that makes him so appealing to her. It is not difficult to see and understand why she is intrigued by Paul, especially after we meet her fiancé, the bland and self-absorbed Tom. But more about their relationship later.

As to Paul, he is grieving but he also displaces his anger, frustrations, and personal failings upon this young woman who has happened to cross his path at an importune time. He is cruel to her at different points of their time together. This makes Jeanne uncomfortable and yet she keeps returning to him and continues taking the abuse and humiliation that he inflicts upon her. This reaches its most extreme point when he anally rapes her while spouting nonsensical phrases about family and religion.

When taken in conjunction with his request to being fingered by her and then spouting vile and disgusting images of pigs and bestiality involving Jeanne, it made me wonder whether the character had been abused by the clergy. In another scene regarding his wife’s funeral arrangements, Paul vehemently opposes his mother-in-law to have priests present at the service while in another scene he almost beats up a man while angrily calling him a “faggot.” There may be homosexual tendencies or traumatic experiences that these scenes and situations insinuate or point towards, especially when taken and considered in connection to each other.

The sexual frustration and the double motif also existed on the side of his wife. For a handful of years, she, the hotel owner was living with one of the guests, an ordinary and insipid-seeming man called Marcel. In fact, she turned him into a stand-in Paul as she got matching bathrobes for each and re-lived and re-enacted similar or the same routines with either one of them.

The scene where both Paul and Marcel are sitting next to each other in identical bathrobes after the suicide of their respective wife and lover has a surreal touch to it; it also underscores the hinted double life that Rosa had during her marriage with Paul. Her lover Marcel went along with the charade and did not counteract or oppose Rosa’s wishes and desires. Soon enough, the passion ran out, but they still pretended to be a duplicate version of the joyless marriage she had with Paul who was residing a few hotel rooms away from there.

After Paul, in a moving and emotionally stunning scene, pours out his heart to the corpse of Rosa surrounded by an array of flowers and with make-up on her pale motionless face, he seems to change his air. Suddenly, he comes to or becomes more himself and then passionately pleads Jeanne to stay with him. Jeanne who up to then had merely been a projection of Rosa with all his bottled-up hatred and resentment aimed at her suddenly becomes a different person to him. Although he had previously turned her down and even mocked her for confessing her love to him, he now wants to start anew and begin an actual relationship with her.

At this point, Paul breaks all his made-up rules, goes up to her on the street, gives his name, tells her his age and that he is a widow and that his wife has committed suicide. All these intimate details pour out in a frenzy and in less than a minute. He also shares with her later that he owns a hotel and that he would now like to be and live with her.

This sudden move has its opposite effect. Jeanne may realize that she was never in love with him but that she rather loved the persona, this fictious double that he had created for her. As a result, she loses interest and decides to break up their relationship (or whatever it was that they had previously). Instead, she prefers to get married to Tom. In typical fashion, Paul cannot accept this and starts chasing her down the streets of Paris in another surreal scene that borders on the comical in its emotional overreach and intensity.

Before the film and Paul, the American, reach their respective end in her Parisian apartment, I would also like to point out the fact that Brando did not stick to the script but added his own flourishes and lines throughout the movie. The infamous and humiliating use of butter, something that the actress Maria Schneider had not been aware of was indeed his idea. There are other lines that stand out and look and sound improvised and probably were not part of the script.

Instead of simply being an actor that plays the character, Brando was modifying the role as he went along by adding a more personal dimension to Paul. This is Paul as imagined by Bertolucci and reinterpreted by the actor Marlon Brando. The alter ego becomes another double that is split apart from what the original character was supposed to be like and this occurs and evolves during the process of acting and filmmaking.

 

The Double Life of Jeanne

Jeanne seems like a person full of energy and zest for life who has unfortunately settled for an artificial relationship with wannabe filmmaker Tom played by Jean-Pierre Léaud. In this sense, I cannot help but think of Bertolucci, the director who is trying to express his desires, wishes, and fantasies alongside his pain and confusion via the medium of images, words, and sounds.

Yet, there is a hint of criticism there as Tom is as shallow and vapid as they come. He does not seem capable of true feelings and in fact lives in a world of fantasy in which there is nothing else but he himself and the movies. This can be seen from the moment they first appear together where he wants his crew to film everything they say and do, no matter how private and confidential. She is, according to him, the main subject of his next film.

There are various other scenes in which he supposedly explores Jeanne’s childhood and past including her first experiences of love and romance, but it is serving only the purpose of making an “authentic” documentary-style film. In this case, what is real is turned upside down and is put on its head. Although Jeanne expresses her feelings, he is less interested in her than capturing all this to make a movie out of it. It is exploitative in nature and serves only his own purposes instead of appreciating and respecting her feelings.

In that sense, Jeanne is just a character he happens to marry for the intents and purposes of making a movie about a man who decides to get married to a woman like Jeanne. He does not explore her because he is not interested in her as a person while he himself has little if anything to offer because he does not have a self or personality to speak of.

What is it that Bertolucci intended to say or show with this film? Part of it is of course the desire to make a film that pushes boundaries but also it talks about how we create doubles in different shapes and forms in our lives. It could be a double of ourselves, where he split into two seemingly incompatible beings, Paul in his two versions, Jeanne as Paul’s lover and Tom’s fiancée, Rosa as Paul’s wife and Marcel’s lover.

In each of these cases, this lack of authenticity creates a vacuum that accentuates the pain and suffering underlying each life. At the same time, since each of them fails to connect with their own nature, they are incapable of connecting with other people and their relationships become a bundled mess that lacks honesty, integrity or any type of sincere feeling or sentiment.

Final Thoughts?

In the end, we can create works of art via sublimation, but we must be aware to distinguish one from the other or at least not get confused between the two. Reality is a tricky thing and the moment you try to capture it, it seems to fly off the handle. Yet at the same time, we do not want to live in a world that is purely of our own making; we ought to rather find or settle for a comprise and integration of the two while continuously trying to find or be ourselves or remain authentic to what we believe to be our true nature.

Otto Rank and Thoughts on Individuality, Education, and Indoctrination

All absolute viewpoints, positions, and actions are fallacious; moderation is the key to everything, and we ought to question all things and matters. Although I believe in that statement, I am also aware of its inherent fallacies and contradictions. It is in and by itself what it claims to denounce, and it is like the statement that reflects on itself by saying that this statement is true. In other words, it is an absolute statement that wishes to eliminate or at least sow some doubts into all statements, beliefs, and thinking that are deemed absolute but at the same time, it is essentially and inherently a paradox in and of itself.

Secondly, this also underscores the importance of moderation and although we can counter that the practice and statement itself should be also taken in moderation, i.e. everything to be taken in moderation including moderation itself, yet it should be seen as a more balanced way of refraining being taken or rather being taken in by any radical one-sided viewpoints and lifestyles. Lastly, we should question everything including questioning whether we should question all things, or not. The main aim here is not to confuse or play with words but to point to serious issues and reach some potential and hopefully clearer understanding of them.

Otto Rank in his book Beyond Psychology points at the internal conflict and dilemma of the educational system, which at the same time becomes a microcosm and symbol of the paradox of human existence. On one side, education aims at general knowledge and the formation and development of the self, as in the inspirational Greek call for self-discovery, namely, to search for and “know thyself.”

Yet on the other hand, there must be necessary limits, restraints, and compromises for society to co-exist together in relative peace and harmony, a type of social contract or acceptance of laws and responsibilities to be able to live together. This is the other aim of education to help and guide us by living the life the way we want while also balancing it with accepting and respecting others to be able to do the same. It is individuality pitted against social conformity, or the individual good versus the common good, and education is the playground where this is played out.

It is a balancing act between what Otto Rank calls the psychology of difference versus the psychology of likeness and it affects us all in one way or another. We want to stand out and be different in terms of our own personality and ways of thinking and being, yet not to the extreme idiosyncratic degree where we would have nothing in common with others. We do need others not only as a foil or point of comparison, but we need them in the sense of our own identity formation be it via groups, clans, nations, families etc. all making part of that which we personally identify with.

It is an existential push and pull (the duality of being an individual) and if taken to its extreme on the side of individuality it can lead to eccentric behavior at best and utter madness at its worst, while conformity in its extreme would strip us of everything that makes us unique, and we would, again at its worst and most extreme, be nothing but a mindless cog in the machine or a humanoid instead of a full-fledged human being.

Education finds itself at this crossroad. On one hand, at least ideally, it wants to help us put ourselves on the path of self-discovery to find ourselves and to bring out not only our unique ways of being but aid us in expressing this via speaking and writing and to guide us towards thinking for ourselves, commonly referred to as critical thinking. That said, I much prefer the term thinking outside of the box and in that sense to be authentic, steadfast, and even revolutionary in one’s own thoughts and viewpoints.

Yet, left on its own and unharnessed, this could potentially lead to chaos and dissonance, and even further left field to anarchistic tendencies, hence education wants to also help us maintain and adhere to social order. This is not meant in the fascist or communist sense but rather as its opposite, to uphold democracy and democratic tenets and not to give sway to forms of totalitarianism of any stripe or color.

As Otto Rank put it, communism and fascism are two sides on the same coin. It is in either case, a denial of freedom and choice by means of force and violence. In communism, the ideology that we are all the same and equal is enforced and imprinted upon everyone whereas individual difference is not only frowned upon but intentionally stifled.

In the case of fascism, we have the opposite end of the spectrum; it is the individual and their differences that are underscored alongside the belief that a given collective group, entity, and ethnicity is not perceived as equal and as a matter of fact deemed superior to others. In both situations, the individual and their rights and choices are disregarded and trampled upon for the sake of what each ideology sees as the common good.

Education plays a crucial and often unspoken role in all of this by ways and means of indoctrination. Ideologies are then inserted, consciously or unconsciously, into the curriculum or the institution. Education ought to be free of any politics or ideologies but, in practice, this is often a different story. A particular ideology may hold sway at a given time and/or in a certain environment, and, as such, the school or university would not be educating people anymore but molding and even brainwashing them.

This is not limited to the realm of education but also applies to psychology. The current norm is upheld as a golden standard and everything that goes against it in one way or another is shunned. The individual who does not fit the particular mold is then fashioned and molded to get rid of the parts that are in conflict with it. This could be achieved via different means and methods, ranging from medication, institutionalization, or on a more common basis, by changing thoughts and views through cognitive therapy. The given patient or client is adjusted and re-adjusted to what is considered to be the current standard of sanity or normalcy.

Certainly, in many cases, this is indeed helpful and necessary as I would not want to state absolute statements or throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yet, the problem lies exactly in the mistaken belief that one’s view is and must be absolutely correct, whether we are talking about the patient, the psychiatrist, or the mental health expert.

This can be evidenced in what was considered abnormal in the past, including any difference or deviation in terms of sexuality or sexual preferences. What was considered abnormal and even illegal has become more accepted and commonplace because our views, values, and ways of thinking have changed. We have in addition to the conflict between the self and the other, the individual and society, another factor that is rigidity versus openness and flexibility.

That is another element of a delicate balancing act, and it should be a staple not only in psychology, politics, and education but also a personal practice of each and every one to move from fixed beliefs and mindsets to one of curiosity and empathy so that one is not held captive or hostage by the latest trends and fashions of the day. 

Change is a constant that we experience in our daily life but at the same time, we are often enticed and driven to latch onto the most current view by eschewing anything that went before because we feel we are at a vantage point, which we deem superior to the previous one. Regardless of the truth and value of this, issues may arise when this is done in a radical and absolutist way and by denying or ignoring the necessary nuances and considerations that come with it.

You may also be interested in the following post and the podcast below:

Otto Rank The Soulful Psychoanalyst: From Psyche to Beyond Psychology

 The Work, insights, Influence, and Legacy of Otto Rank with Robert Kramer and Kirk Schneider

On Labels, Boxes, and Memes: Being Open and Non-Judgmental

Most of the time and throughout our lives, we tend to label things and people. It is a natural tendency of the brain to organize and structure information, which aids memory, learning, and retrieval. We need to define and classify the input to make sense of the data points and information and then to expand and expound upon them.

Labelling per se and on its own is neither good nor bad but it is generally efficient. Imagine going to a nameless store that has no labels whatsoever on any of its products. Where the heck are you at? What kind of meat or cereal are you buying? What’s inside the given product? Does it contain any allergens, gluten, or trans fat? And how much does it cost?

Many years ago, when I was working at a store, someone had mislabeled the price of an electronic item. It turned out that it was at a significantly reduced price. The person’s accidental error came at a cost for the store, but it was an unexpected boon and surprise for its clients who walked out smiling and grinning from end to end with the afore-mentioned item in hand.

Now my memory is a bit hazy on this matter, but I sincerely hope it was not an error of mine as there were times when I was not at the cash till but was designated to price items, a rather monotonous and mindless activity that lacked interaction of any kind. I also hope the store’s manager does not read this. It is highly unlikely but stranger things have happened indeed.

Hence, when it comes to labels, we want to make sure and verify to the best of our knowledge that the information is accurate and true. As an avid reader of cereal boxes, I found the details provided to be somewhat educational as I would learn about the breakdown of vitamins and minerals in relation to portions as well as how all this would change with the addition of skimmed milk.

Yet as a high school student, I was shocked to find out that anything that ended with -ose was essentially sugar. Why not be honest and upfront and label it as it is without trying to trick and deceive us? Sugar by any other name would taste as sweet, and we should not overlook, kid ourselves, or dilute the fact that most cereals are sugary in nature and purpose.

Yet, even when labels are correct, they may have adverse effects and repercussions, especially when they are put on living beings. The label that most of us tend to be comfortable with and often willingly and consciously identify with is our profession. Although it is a label that we generally accept and perhaps embrace, we may wish to peel it off during our off times.

Yet some jobs are considered constant and on a 24/7 basis. This applies to police officers and medics, for instance. They appear to never have an off switch as they are constantly thinking and are always preoccupied with health and safety. When someone is in medical distress, we call out for a doctor; when there is a violent incident, it is police officers who instinctively act and react often without thinking as it is their second nature.

On the other hand, we would blame either one of them on civic and moral grounds for not interfering or intervening despite them being off work at the time the same way we would reproach a lifeguard for not intending to save a drowning person on their break or day off.

As a language instructor, my cases tend to be much lower stakes, but I have been able to help tourists and foreigners with directions or with expressing their thoughts and wishes at different agencies and offices. At times, I may not feel so inclined – again we are not talking about emergencies or urgent situations – and I feel only slightly guilty afterwards, but occasionally I may not feel like helping others out despite having the ability to do so. That should not be an issue on moral grounds though most of the time, I tend to help and do oblige willingly.

This gets juicier and even more interesting when it comes to psychologists. The moment you mention that profession, people tend to tense up, hold their breath and visibly swallow. The assumption is that these professionals may be able to see through us, read our minds, or more realistically, infer and get information from our words and behaviors. The ones who have secrets they prefer to keep hidden under the rug or locked up in the closet will not feel free or willing to continue the conversation at that point.

But what I wish to express here is not just how jobs and professions affect others but the labels that come with them and the effects all of this has on us and on our psyche. Some of these labels seem permanent. Once you are a police officer, you will always be one. You may say that you are an ex-cop, but something generally remains.

An ex-doctor is something you rarely hear; we might say that the person is not practicing any longer, but it is not something you can or would want to just shake off. And then, on the other side of the spectrum, there are spies, drug lords, and criminals who cannot or would not divulge or talk about what they do for a living and must come up with lies and tales to cover it up.

Job labels can come at a cost as we can see, yet they are, of course, not the only type of labels we must cope and deal with. There are labels and stigmas associated with our gender, sexual orientation, marital status, ethnicity, nationality, age, religion and political beliefs, to name a few. Sadly, these tend to be fixed and inflexible and are often filled and peppered with hearsay, anecdotes, and stereotypes. There are often untested and unexamined assumptions and preconceived notions associated with each of these labels.

Apart from the labels that we carry and that we may or may not identify with, there are also those that we impose upon ourselves. We may come to see ourselves as a product of them and not feel free in our choices and decision-making. For instance, I may feel pressure to conform to the lack of punctuality of my ethnic group so that I do not stand out like a sore thumb or offend others who expect me to arrive late.

This is evidently a rather humorous example of the link between label, expectation, and peer pressure; nonetheless, there are much more serious cases and occasions where people go or feel they have to go against their own nature to appear a certain way so that they can gain approval or avoid and circumvent disapproval.

Labels are like fashion, and they can change, or new ones can be created anytime. When I was growing up, people who dressed or acted oddly or who tended not to be in conformity with the norms of society were seen as weird and labelled rather pejoratively as “weirdos”.

Flash forward to our modern day and age, and they are not seen as outcasts but are essentially celebrated as heroes that everyone must accept for inclusivity’s sake; they are even put on pedestals so that others (feel pressured to) emulate them. People may claim they are being progressive and liberal-minded by removing all labels whatsoever but, as a matter of fact, they are just replacing one label with another, while, for better or for worse, they encourage discriminating and going against anything that is not weird, i.e. the norm in this case. No, there is nothing wrong with being normal or even slightly boring and mundane.

The one place in which labels continue to have negative effects as they box people in and where despite goodwill and intention only little advance has been made is that of mental health. There is an equal tendency of completely going the other way of seeing (or at least claiming and pretending to see) mental illness as normal, which is too extreme and harmful both to the individual and to society at large. It is not akin to celebrating obesity for the sake of aesthetics and inclusivity while ignoring, disregarding or even turning a blind eye to the myriad health risks and complications that are associated with that condition.

Although things have somewhat improved and people talk more openly about their emotional and psychological struggles and feel generally less conflicted about seeking help to maintain, boost, and improve mental health, this has been of course also exploited or taken advantage of by many and for different, often harmful and nefarious purposes.

For many, mental health has become an empty word, a slogan, an excuse, or a political rallying cry. We are far from fully accepting it and of taking away the stigma and label attached to it but, at least, we are more aware of it, and it has become a topic of conversation instead of immediately being swept under the rug or rapidly dismissed.

Labels may designate the box, but they are not the box. In any ways, labels are just that, yet we exaggerate their importance and relevance and feel boxed in. We are then afraid to think outside of the box but rather feel restricted in our thinking and behavior and essentially vis-à-vis our unique way of being. Conformity can create the feeling and illusion of harmony, but it comes not only at an individual cost of freedom, but it is also not something that is healthy especially if done over a prolonged time.

Notwithstanding, these same labels and boxes have now become a meme. A meme can be anything that goes viral, that is, it is repeated on a seemingly endless loop without much thought or consideration. It is the modern earworm where notes seem to get stuck in our head whether you enjoy them or not. The same way, not only images and posts can become memes but also words, ideologies, or ways of thinking.

Not only are they being accepted and taken as is, but they are also endlessly and mindlessly repeated until we give up and accept and embrace them, be it consciously or unconsciously. This goes hand in hand with Nazi propaganda claiming that for others to come to accept a certain falsehood, it is important to bombard them with it on a continual basis, i.e. drill them with carefully chosen and selected memes. These memes then become lodged in our brain and are not based on critical thinking nor are they checked for their level of truth or falsehood, but they become stuck and keep crawling in our heads like the earworms of old.

This is not a political issue of left versus right as propaganda and falsehoods are perpetuated by both sides on the spectrum if not at the same level and quantity. They further undermine our freedom of action and thought and the expression of certain ideas that soon become taboo. This leads to a type of self-censorship and peer pressure in which many do not utter certain words or unpopular statements out of fear of retribution or attacks.

It also makes some scientists and researchers either willingly drop research interests due to their potentially polemic nature or in other cases when they attempt to do so, there will be no funding or grants for that line of research for the very same reasons. In such cases, the box is synonymous with a noose muzzling and even killing not only research and science but also putting a stranglehold on creativity and humor.

The consequence of all this is ironic. In a time that we are claiming to be most diverse, we are less so. In a time when we claim to be open-minded, we become more bigoted. In a time when we claim to stop judgments, we are being judgmental. In a time where we claim to abolish boundaries and combat stereotypes and prejudice, we essentially foster and encourage them.

It is more than ever important to embrace and feed our creativity and to not let ourselves be boxed in by thinking outside of the box. In fact, the box represents our own limits and limitations that we and others have set for ourselves. We can choose to accept the labels and boxes, or we can discard them and connect with who and what we truly are.

Labels are just that; they do not compare to the actual product. At best, they would be the trailer to the movie, but you are the real thing and are not the label unless you choose to identify as such. If it helps, you can expand a label to become a box. That way, it would be less limiting because a label sticks to you but with a box you have at least some legroom and you a have a bit more freedom. Plus, boxes come in different shapes and sizes and can be easily expanded.

And as you are considering and weighing your options and responses, you would do well to take things easy and take them with a grain of salt. Moreover, allow yourself to have a good time, to enjoy the process and the journey, and, most importantly, remind yourself to have a good laugh every now and then.

The Iron Claw of Trauma and Toxic Masculinity and Going Beyond the Family Cult

It is rather strange that someone who does not like wrestling or fighting should enjoy movies about them. Oddly enough, I am not referring to David Fincher's Fight Club, a classic for many, a masterpiece for others but which failed to impress me, and I thought that, at least in some ways, it contributed to instead of being critical of toxic masculinity. Yet, when it comes to family drama/trauma, two of the best movies out there are Gavin O’Connor’s Warrior and Sean Durkin’s The Iron Claw. Both films tackle fighting and competing in the ring, and both have endings that broke my heart and made me cry.

As usual, there will be spoilers galore and then some, so proceed with caution; it is best to have already watched the movies and trust me they are worth your time. While Warrior focuses on mixed martial arts, a sport that I find violent and abhorrent, The Iron Claw tackles wrestling, and yet interestingly, both are driven by dysfunctional families with flawed fathers at the helm. While in the former, the father is an alcoholic former boxer, played stunningly by Nick Nolte, who fails to hold the family together, in the latter, the father is an imposing figure that demands unconditional loyalty and unwavering obedience and respect from all its members.

While Warrior focuses more on the sibling rivalry between two rather different feuding brothers, the impetuous and rebellious Tommy (Tom Hardy) versus the family man Brendan (Joel Edgerton), in The Iron Claw, it is the unity and the cultlike adoration of the father that is its focal point. What moves us more is the fact that the latter is based on a true story and the various devastating and heartbreaking tragedies are not just a figment of the imagination but are grounded in real-life flesh-and-blood people and experiences. While Warrior moves us, The Iron Claw cuts deep.

Fritz Von Erich is the glue that not only holds the family together, but he is also the existential driving force of every individual within this circle. He projects his own dreams and failures onto his family. Essentially, he wants each of his sons to succeed where he personally failed, namely, to make themselves a name in the field of wrestling. The Iron Claw is his signature move and his legacy, but it is also symbolic of the tight grip he has on all his sons and his wife.

Not only are they to be blindly obedient to his wishes regardless of their own desires and passions, but they must be disciplined and hard-working throughout. There is no room for individuality or finding your own talents or even creating your own life; they are supposed to do as he says without doubts or hesitation. The ideology or reasoning is that the world out there is not a safe nor a fair place; yet there are two ways to protect oneself and to reach success: one, it is important to be physically and mentally strong to thwart opposition and challenges, and two, the family must remain united and support each other to the max.

The Von Erich family is a brand and a cult-like entity. Interestingly, one of filmmaker Sean Durkin’s previous movies Martha Marcy May Marlene dealt with the repercussions of identity and trauma after having been in an abusive religious cult. The gospel in this case are the sayings and proclamations of the father and the ring is the place where salvation can be attained. The tenet is masculinity in its rawest and most muscular form, men who fight and bully themselves to the top with an iron will and with no room for emotions or vulnerability. When in pain, be it physical or emotional, one must man up and suck it up as Kevin (a brilliant Zac Efron) is painfully reminded of throughout the film.

Not all the sons commit to this ideology because they believe in it but all of them accept and embrace it because they want to impress their father and yearn for his love and respect. In the case of Mike, the youngest of the clan, he would much rather be a musician, and yet, he is discouraged from doing so and is thrown into the ring against his will. Each of them suffers the consequences and breaks down from the physical and emotional tolls, and sadly, only one of them manages to eventually stand up against the abusive father and break away from this cycle of trauma.

To rationalize the amount of tremendous suffering they must go through as a family unit, they catch and hold on to the belief that the family is cursed. At first glance, it may look like it but when we look and dig deeper, we see that the curse is trauma itself, a trauma that is propagated by false and unhealthy beliefs and lifestyles. Everything becomes centered on wrestling with the coveted belt as the Holy Grail, the same way others may blindly and unquestionably worship religion, money, or political ideologies to reach their aims and purposes. Neither of them is bad per se, but when it becomes an obsession and a compulsion at the expense of life itself, then it poses a serious problem.

So much so that two of the Von Erich brothers (three in real life!) commit suicide. They are unable to continue living under the tyranny of such an utterly restrictive, bleak, joyless, and pointless world. Slowly, the family unit becomes more and more disentangled and fragmented, and only Kevin is left at the end. He who had dedicated all his life to the support and wellbeing of his brothers whom he loved dearly and whole-heartedly was on his own now with all his brothers having passed away.

Yet, fortunately, he manages to break away from this vicious cycle and from the grip and power of his father. Anyone who has not experienced abusive relationships or a dysfunctional family of that ilk may criticize its members for staying and holding on against rhyme and reason. But it is much easier said than done.

Your family is the starting point of life. Views and values are shaped by its members, and they become embedded and embodied by each person. As you take them at face value and for the God-given truth, it is very hard, but not impossible, to shake it off and look beyond it. Cults tap into that mindset and often claim to be your ersatz family to better control your mind and behavior while they restrict the contact with others who are not likeminded. This is because often a close third-party outsider could serve as a sounding board and can encourage one to move away from the abusive and toxic environment.

In this case, a lot of credit must go to Kevin’s wife Pam (Lily James) as presented in the movie. She is the very opposite of toxic masculinity and unlike Kevin’s subdued and submissive mother Doris (Maura Tierney), she does not go along with it, nor accept or tolerate it. She is a strong, determined, and independent woman who knows from the get-go what she wants. This becomes apparent in the first meeting of the two. Like other fans, she asks Kevin for his autograph, but then, she basically makes him ask her out. Kevin is shy and has had little contact or experience with women (he is a virgin), but none of this poses a problem here as she makes up for all that and rectifies the situation.

But it is not just this determined quality that makes her stand out; it is also and further bolstered by her empathy. She understands and supports him. On their first date, after he talks about the pain of losing his elder brother (yes another one!) at a young age, she hugs him and gives him what his mother is unable or unwilling to provide him with, emotional support.

At the same time, he supports her and her ideas and lifestyle. She bluntly tells him on that first date that she wants to have children but that she also wants to work as a vet, and if he would be all right with all that. He does not hesitate and accepts. We can see that the toxic masculinity is not ingrained in him; it is just used as a means or a tool to please and wring and wrestle love and respect from his father.

When Kevin finally goes against the will of his father by not only giving up on wrestling but also selling the company, he ends up becoming a stay-home Dad. He seems much happier in this role and embodies this lifestyle and in a sense also transmits it to his two boys. The trauma bolstered and fueled by toxic masculinity has come to an end. He can tune into and be himself with a healthy sense of being male albeit with muscles and a bad haircut.

And then, there is the unforgettable and heartbreaking ending as he is watching his kids. They are engaged in playing sports, and he suddenly begins to cry. His sons immediately come to his side. For the first time, Kevin processes his grief and immense pain and tremendous loss. He says that he used to be a brother and that was his raison d’être before having his own family. In an impulsive act and show of beautiful empathy, his sons tell him that they could be his brothers if he wants.

And that makes him (and us!) cry even more. When Kevin apologizes for crying, as it is not a masculine thing to do, the kids, i.e. the new generation, tell him that it is in fact quite a natural thing to express one’s emotions and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. And they are right, and with them all, we can cry freely regardless of age and gender, and be free to be ourselves while loosening the iron grip and bolts of toxic masculinity and letting it rest in peace.

 

The Serendipity Plus Synchronicity Equation and the Dilemma and Challenges of Finding True Love

Call it coincidence, happenstance, or fate, but often, there seems to certain elements missing from the equation of love. This goes beyond emotions and connections and even further past attraction and infatuation. When it comes to love, there are different shades and colors that come into play as there are so many different kinds and types of love, but here, I will be focusing on romantic love and meeting the person one is meant or destined to be with.

Before we take a closer look at the special someone, let us talk about love itself. I see love as something that cannot be willed or brought into existence. It is more akin to the allegorical representation of Cupid hitting us with an arrow. Often, it is unexpected and can happen in an instant. We may run into someone and suddenly feel a warm feeling around the heart.

It can also appear unexpectedly. We may be suddenly feeling differently about a friend or a co-worker. This may be initiated through a specific word, gesture, action, or moment, merely a shift in feelings and perception, or an epiphany. In other words, how we see and feel about a person can suddenly and unexpectedly shift. It is like having the rug taken from under your feet and you are left floating in the air. Love almost always has a weightless air about it, and as Kundera might attest, the lightness can be unbearable if it lacks a calibrating counterpoint or influence. Love can also suddenly fly out of the window and leave us emotionally stranded.

Some people believe that there is a soul mate out there, the “perfect partner”, the designated person who wholly understands us and fully complements us. Others say that such a concept, entity, or person is merely a figment of the imagination and wishful thinking. That does not however preclude that any relationship must go through difficulties and challenges and only with the right amount and level of care, communication, and commitment, one can turn it into gold and attain lasting joy and happiness.

Yet not just anyone can do the trick for us. The problem, if you want to call it as such, is that each of us is unique, not only in personality but also in our past experiences, and we are often strongly influenced by unconscious negative thoughts, feelings, moments, and narrative patterns in addition to the constant rewiring and readjustment that our mind and heart go through due to living in and traveling through time and space. Put differently, we are not only different to begin with, but our experiences constantly mold and shape us in unique and idiosyncratic ways.

Notwithstanding, there is an underlying and utterly complex network of connections and requirements necessary to meet someone special, let alone the one. First off, there is the matter of timing. To physically meet someone, we need to occupy the same time and space. This could be a café, a bar, a workplace, church, or a party, but we need to be there at the same time.

Secondly, we need to notice each other. How many times have we walked past someone who has looked at us with sparkling romantic or longing eyes, and we just did not register it and walked on. There is a level of awareness and mindfulness necessary that goes beyond merely occupying the same space.

Let us say that our eyes do meet. If it is a stranger in a public place, the next step can be very difficult, again relative to personality characteristics and personal experiences. One or both may be too shy or timid to initiate the interaction. How many thousands and millions of people pass each other with a half-smile but do not utter a single word. How many matches and connections could have been potentially made if one of them had the guts to utter a simple hello to the other. Ironically and sadly, we find it much easier to express our anger and dissatisfaction than our interest and curiosity.

But we are going to assume that all these hurdles are met and overcome. We meet the other person, we perceive and notice the immediate chemistry, we strike up a lively conversation, and a connection is made and established. What is the next step?

It depends. This is where another facet of synchronicity is at play. We have had the fortune to meet the person we are meant to meet and both of us noticed and realized this. It is for a lack of a better word, love at first sight. We are going to assume that there are no other complications, they are not tourists, do not have visa issues, do not live too far away, etc.

Yet what exactly is each person’s relationship status? To claim that two people who are soul mates would meet in the prime of their lives while both happen to be single and do not have any other major concerns and impediments in terms of entering a life-long relationship seems like a bit of a stretch. At the least, one of them may be in a relationship, serious or not.

This is an added complication, especially if one has been in a longer intimate relationship or if one or both is married and even has a family. Serendipity may in fact bring us together at any point of our lives and what if we had an established path and were now asked to make a serious detour. Should we drop and abandon everything to engage in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or should we just ignore it and let it fly? Should we fight and repress it?

The cynic and the realist would not engage in such a risky if not reckless undertaking. We may feel the spark and chemistry, but we do not know the other person. To take a leap in such a way and manner can be akin to suicide, the potential ending of everything that went before. Do you put all your money on a single card? Are you fully aware of the chances and probabilities at play and what a loss would and could mean to you and others around you?

And yet, like anything worthwhile and fulfilling in life, one must make a decision and even sacrifice or give up a thing or two in the process. It is never easy and that could be a sign that it is a potentially meaningful choice. So far, we have considered synchronicity, various coincidences and happenstances putting us on the same path of life regardless of our current circumstances, relationship status, and other types of considerations.  

The good news is that if you believe in fate or destiny, it tends to be, thankfully, stubborn and insistent. It does not just let go or drop the endeavor but will give you various signs and signals like Gatsby’s flashing green light on the bay or other more hidden and subtle clues. Dreams may also play a role and guide you in a certain direction. It is, however, each individual’s responsibility to see and recognize this and then to decide what to do about it. Fate cannot, and of course will not, force you to be with the ideal mate; love though a forceful feeling is much too precious for that and can be ignored, downplayed, and repressed at one’s own cost and peril.

Love is also rare. Although some claim to fall in love every other day, that may be doubtful because love is not a common or ordinary thing or feeling. If you are asked to think about a person that you have truly loved, that is with emotion, passion, and abandon, there tends to be only a few or perhaps just one person that comes to mind.

If it is the person, you are currently with, then count yourself lucky, but the relationships we have are not always based on true love. There are other factors that are being considered, which factor in this choice and equation. Some of them may be unconscious like the quest for a father or mother figure or replacement. Others are more practical as certain types of evident benefits, such as finances, status, looks, or connections.

Even if you have married your high school sweetheart, you may have doubts now, whether they are justified or not. Or you may meet someone else who makes your heart skip a beat, and you are certain it is not merely attraction but goes much deeper than that.

Many hearts are broken on the path of life. Some of the people may not have been a good fit for us; we may feel a lack of love, interest, difference in priorities, or even a clash of personalities that can become more pronounced over time. And some people change. It could be us or the partner, or both. If the path we are talking about is significantly different, one or both would suffer in the process.  

As can be seen, love is fickle, precious, and has a mind of its own. It can come out of nowhere and drop and enter into our lives unexcepted, perhaps even wreak a little or a lot of havoc, or it might never cross paths with us. At the same time, we might be too occupied and preoccupied to see and feel it. We may be set on a routine that gives us comfort and safety and are not willing to budge even a bit despite not feeling fully alive throughout.

In that sense, love is a bit like vocation. You may be engaged in work that is pleasant, brings in sufficient amount of money and that you are good at, but it just does not fulfill you in a profound sense. It is not the dream job you had imagined in your childhood and so something will feel amiss, and you may not find lasting joy and fulfilment. Love is not that different in the sense that you know when it is there but unlike vocation it cannot be conjured or realized with work and effort only. There is a magical and even mystical aspect to it that can be often out of reach. While we have a certain say and can influence certain actions, some things will remain out of reach no matter how hard we try.

But when you are fortunate enough to have serendipity knock at your door, listen up. Consider answering, if only out of curiosity at first or because it is the polite thing to do. Unlike coincidence, serendipity tends to be fortunate, and it often includes elements of synchronicity. It is not commonplace and may not occur again. It is the universe communicating with you and trying to get through to you. It has the best intentions in mind. But in the end, you are the one who has to respond and take action, and it is your call after all.