And of course it matters immensely. I agree that being
yourself (whatever that means) may not be enough but that life’s purpose and
the mission of each being is to become and stay true to one’s own true self, one’s
essence, or to put it even more mysteriously, to become who one is meant to be
and fulfill one’s unique destiny.
All this is – at least in my mind – quite different from
being your best self or the best version of yourself. Essentially, there is a
vital difference here. Your best version may be someone you wish to be or
become; if that aligns with who you are, then it could be helpful. But when it
is in conflict with your true essence, it will only create pain and heartache
and might be the exact opposite of being yourself. In that case, it would be
closer to pretending to be someone else and akin to wearing a mask. More on
this later as I would provide examples and accentuate and differentiate it with
reflections offered from Nigel‘s outstanding book. At that point, I shall also
try to differentiate my own views from Jung’s individuation process.
I think a great starting point and a necessary step would be
to carve out your own tendencies and preferences versus the reservoir that is
accumulated and heaped upon you from your parents, cultural and social
upbringing etc. Imagine a Venn diagram where you would include on one side “me”
and on the other side “not me” and see what traits, values, and beliefs you
share with your entourage (or “Umwelt” as Nigel puts it) as opposed to what are
essentially the views, dreams, wishes, and desires of family members and loved
ones but have little to do with your true essence or calling.
And yet, the discovery or the unearthing of yourself is still
not equivalent with fully being and embracing yourself as you are. The ideas
and notions you have of yourself may serve as a roadmap and may point at or rather
to the journey, but it is far from reaching one’s destination. The destination
or destiny is living authentically from the heart’s soul and like any objective
or end goal, it is merely a stepping stone in this experience or experiment
called life. Knowing who you are (already a nearly impossible feat) would mean to
start living on a higher level or to put it differently being in alignment with
what and who you truly are as opposed to what you or others think you are or how
you ought to be.
In his book, Nigel focuses on a narrative framework, and I
think he is spot on in that regard although we diverge on certain points,
beliefs, and definitions. He claims that our individual lives consist of 4 Ds: Destiny,
Drama, Development, and Deliberation. His understanding of destiny is very
different from mine as he sees it as your starting point and it includes to
varying degrees your genetics, your family, and your birthplace, which can be
intimately linked to culture, religion, values, and so forth.
I appreciate his focus on what shapes us individually, a
kind of blueprint that may or may not become real but that to a sizable extent tends
to shape our reality and our experience of this world. Our DNA is as unique as
we are; it is truly one of a kind. It is essential to our essence and our core
identity; however, it is not fully set or activated from the get-go and is
malleable to certain degrees.
This is the onset of the journey as Nigel claims. But for
me, destiny is two-fold as it is not necessarily or merely something we are
writing and creating in our lifetime, but it is pre-written in some shape and
form in the stars. In that sense, fate is something that we create but that is
also created for us. The relevant take-way is that it is all suited and
tailored to our own individual existence and, in some cases, even not
fulfilling our destiny can serve as a wake-up call to change our ways and
transform us into the person and being we are meant to be and become in the
first place.
From destiny, we move to the second D, namely Drama. Life is
filled with it, and it does not help that we often consciously or unconsciously
keep adding to it, somewhat like pouring gasoline on an already burning fire. By
drama, we mean all the challenges and obstacles that we face, and they vary by
region, age, time period, social and economic status, and what-have-you.
Although the degree and extent will vary, all of us will have to deal with drama
whether we want to or not; no one’s immune to it, no matter where you live or
how much money you have in your bank account.
Try as you may, you cannot fully prepare for it nor see it
coming. There is the unexpected that looms over our heads like the sword of Damocles
with its wide array of incidents and accidents, including but not limited to a sudden
dismissal at work, betrayals, break-ups, heartaches, and the real or figurative
loss of lovers, friends, and family members. And this is only the drama that
affects you in your Umwelt; add to it, natural disasters, wars and pandemics,
recessions, and the list goes on.
But drama is not all bad. In fact, it tests our mettle and
brings our own unique personality to the forefront, which becomes apparent by
the way we end up dealing with these situations. In a sense, your character
(mettle) is then tested and revealed, and more often than not, we will not get
it right the first time around, but it is a learning process nonetheless,
admittedly not one that we necessarily asked or looked for in the first place.
In fact, drama blends in with the next stage, development.
This can happen unconsciously where we repeat patterns or mistakes versus when
we choose to respond and adapt to situations differently, sometimes for better,
sometimes for worse. Yet throughout, we are in movement while at the same time,
there is potential growth within us and within each given situation. It is
certainly there, whether we see and seize it or not.
And that brings us to the final D, deliberation. This is the
moment of epiphany. After all those experiences, the drama, the setbacks, the
good and the bad stuff that fills our lives, we suddenly come to a realization.
I say suddenly but it may have been going on for a long time, sometimes for
years and even decades. But what sets this stage apart from the other phases is
that we consciously stop and think and choose a different path than the one we
have been on. The trademark of this stage lies in our free will and to do things
or respond to events differently.
Where we used to just go and plod along, engage in cycles, patterns,
and habits, or remain nestled in our comfort zone, blinded to other ways of
doing things and blocking and denying our own potential, suddenly, we may see
everything from a different light and angle, a change in our narrative
framework. It is a moment of transition or transformation that has a significant
impact on the path of our lives.
This could lead to and culminate in the end of a
long-lasting relationship or the move to a different country. While it
represents the end of something, it also points to a beginning of something
else, often better and more fulfilling than the devil we had gotten used to and
to which we were clinging onto in fear. It is turning a new leaf or page in
your life story to start a new chapter and even a new book, the 2.0 update of you
that now comes to the foreground based on everything you have seen, thought,
experienced, experimented, and lived through up to this moment in time.
This is also a point where Jung differs from both Nigel and
me. Jung sees others mainly through a mirroring effect. How you feel about
others gives you vital information about yourself. This is what Freud would
call projection, and it does not always have to be negative, yet, more often
than not, it comes out as strong feelings of hate, envy, anger, or resentment.
Ironically, what you criticize in others is what you try to
disown within yourself, and it comes as no surprise that those who are most
vocal in their views tend to secretly espouse those very same views and
tendencies or at the very least, they secretly wish to have them. For instance,
the ones loudest to denounce homosexuals, racists, or the rich have not settled
their own inner conflicts nor faced their demons.
Yet in my view – and I assume Nigel does not disagree – it is
not so much how we mirror our relationships but more how we resonate to them or
how they resonate with us. There are certain parts of a person we align with or
that align with us, and this often helps to create a certain level of trust,
comfort, connection, and safety.
That said, there are certainly overlaps between Jung’s and
Nigel’s vision of the self. Both emphasize the importance of awareness and
realization of one’s own way of understanding and interpreting the world. To
reach that insight, it is often necessary to “individuate” - that is to
differentiate oneself - from other people and their practices and ideologies. Case
in point, “my self” Venn Diagram I mentioned earlier.
The idea is to be mindful and not to mindlessly copy other
people’s rituals and behaviors by espousing their views, ideologies or dogmas
unexamined. I think that Jung’s focus on the shadow self is helpful in
understanding often neglected or repressed parts of the psyche and of finding ways
to harmonize them in an honest and considerate manner. This is missing somewhat
in Nigel’s views as his approach is not necessarily psychoanalytic in nature, but
it is something that strongly resonates with me personally.
Where we run into contested grounds is the idea of the archetype
and the collective unconscious. As true as that may be, it is not a defining or
definitive aspect of the unique self. Individuality includes embracing things
we have in common with others but more importantly, things we do not share with
them and what sets us part from the rest. Although Jung also talks about the
whole person, it seems that the self and the “other” dissolve or balance each
other out, but in my view, those unique differences are the most salient parts,
and they need to stand out and should be highlighted and brought to the
foreground.
For example, we can try our best to copy Mozart’s music but
will never be able to capture the je ne sais quoi quality of his style,
personality, and talent. Each of us has unique talents and idiosyncratic ways
of doing and seeing things that should be not only developed but cherished and
celebrated. It is essentially what makes us be ourselves instead of a
watered-down version of a so-called “transcendental self” that merges with everything
and everyone, a rather mystical view that I am not necessarily opposed to but that
does not do us many favors in everyday life.
Finally, there is also the importance of personal agency.
Although it is very hard to know, find, and discover yourself, it is only the
stepping stone or the starting point, just like your DNA. Both Nigel and I do
agree that being yourself is a hard enough feat, and it may take a lifetime,
while some may never come even close in finding and connecting with themselves.
That is also in essence the challenge that philosophy has grappled with since
its inception and the inscription of know thyself.
In his book, Nigel puts it in terms of two laws of Unique
Identity (UI) with the first law being that uniqueness is a biological fact. So
far so good because I think we have already established this and our fingerprints
are unique even when it comes to identical twins.
Where it gets a bit iffy is the second law: you don’t know
yourself. In fact, even if you think you do, you may not have the real true
version of yourself. It could be wishful thinking, or a version that others
have set out for you, or even the way your environment has reinforced the way
you see yourself.
But here’s the rub: if you do not know yourself, how do you
assume to really know anyone else including your intimate partners? There will
be aspects that are unknown to you in addition to aspects being unknown to them,
and thus, we enter a labyrinth filled with mirrors upon mirrors.
Although this sounds bleak, we still need to connect with
others. This has had an evolutionary purpose and advantage, but I also think it
is part of our spiritual essence. As a result, we reach out to others so we can
overcome that which is separating us from the other and within ourselves. Yet
with this, we have the potential of seeing ourselves differently and that can
aid us in the quest of ourselves and of an authentic life. It has the potential
of leading us towards development and attaining and igniting our full potential.
Of course, it can also lead us astray and make us believe and espouse things of
ourselves that are simply not true, a form of gaslighting if you will.
The next more important step is what you are going to do
about it and how you are planning to bring your unique personality into the
world. It often includes comprise whether it comes to interacting with others
socially or even in relationships and at the office, but it must be done with
personal agency. In other words, it has to come from your own volition, be your
choice so-to-speak. We can sum up then that being your unique self involves a
quest first and then the agency to put it into action. That is both the
challenge and the fruit of living an authentic and personally fulfilling life.
As philosopher Jules Goddard quoted in this magnificent book (that I’m barely touching the surface of here) beautifully states: “Our obligation is to perfect our UI - to find ways of expressing it - as well as the obligation to help others do so.” I would even take it a step further by stating that it is our life’s purpose and the meaning of our life to find who we truly are and then live accordingly.
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