Being a Father – Three Years Later: The Question of Discipline and Authority

As I continue jotting down some of my personal perspectives on the progressive stages of fatherhood, I must say that there is so much happening at any given time period that I will not be able to do the subject justice. Yet it goes with the common piece of wisdom that you do not really know what it is like until you experience it yourself. 

And, in fact, these are my personal experiences and observations, yet they will tend to be universal among many fathers out there. At the same time, this is not meant to sound in any way superior or haughty on my part but I am simply stating that two fathers who truly care about their offspring will understand each other with a simple glance.

My son never ceases to amaze me. The fact that communication has become much less of an obstacle and that there are a host of topics to talk about is only part of the matter. He can string full, and for the most part grammatically correct, sentences, but it is rather more amazing that he has begun to reason. Yesterday evening I told him that I would buy him something he wanted, and he just pointed to the window claiming that it was too dark for me to go outside and buy the mentioned item. I had to bow my head and accept his convincing logical point.

And then there is a slew of questions that show a budding desire with an almost despairing and impatient sense of curiosity. I have also both anticipated and dreaded this moment. It is part of his education, and I will do my best to foster and assuage his curiosity; yet at the same time, I dread it because it will probably reveal to him his father's gaps and holes of knowledge.

I am of the persuasion that children know and understand much more than we give them credit for and that we should never underestimate children nor stunt their intellectual growth. Hence, especially over the past year, I have engaged in reasoning with him as much as possible. Mostly I have been successful; at other times, the tantrum may have been too intense for logic to find a passage and break through.

When it comes to parenting, I instinctively do not like authoritarian behavior on the part of parents. The intentions may be good and many will claim that such behavior is meant to create discipline and responsibility. However, I believe that discipline is something that needs to be internalized so that it can become a force to be reckoned with. Outward discipline as well as motivation is too contingent on the presence of authority. Once the presence is removed, so is the threat of punishment and hence the disciple in question will fall back and return to his or her “undisciplined” way of life.

As a result, I will try to ensure that my son will learn to respect authorities up to a certain degree. I will not stand for “blind obedience,” not even to myself for that matter, because authority that is not questioned will bring more problems than benefits. And here we return to the importance and necessity of reasoning.

If my child is equipped with reason to think for himself and be able to recognize flaws and holes in arguments, the best kind of weapon for life, then he should be fine. In fact, I meticulously avoid stock phrases like Because I say so or I know best and replace them with reasons and explanations that I deem appropriate for his level of understanding. Daddy may know a few things here and there, but unfortunately Daddy does not know everything. Nobody does. But at least we are trying.

God as a Piece of Heavenly Cake

Religious debates will go on for all eternity and it is as rare as a blue moon that religious authorities come to a consensus or see eye to eye. In fact, more commonly there will be splits and rifts within a religious body. Whether it is Buddhism with its small and large spinning wheels and vehicles or the debate over the legitimacy and authority of the Pope and the use of confessional booths or even delicate and controversial questions concerning the Holy Book, disagreements abound and little consensus is reached. Religion seen globally and historically is filled with instances of conflicts and quarrels.

But why? If we look at the main world religions, they have actually more in common than they would dare to admit. Indeed Christianity, Islam, Judaism believe in a God that has very similar characteristics, while in Hinduism there may be many gods but they are, when all is said and done, manifestations of a unifying divine spirit. As to Buddhism, they may have a slightly different depiction of what constitutes divinity, a more introspective universal embodiment but essentially there is not much of a serious clash either to the aforementioned representations of God.

So here is my proposal. Let us all agree and live in peace. Let us all partake of the divinely delicious (or deliciously divine) heavenly cake. Think big. A cake that supersedes the Tower of Babel, but unlike the tower, one that unites instead of alienating people. Now this cake that is enough to fill the stomach and mind of every being on this planet can easily be divided into pieces. So for all those religions who want to be in the right or who prefer to think they are the only true religion, you can have your own slice and eat it too.

The amazing thing about this cake is that every slice contains the divine essence and is, ipso facto, infinite. In fact, as a mathematical expression if you divide infinity by five you will still be in the infinite range. Such would be the case of God. Whether you divide Him (or Her or It or Them) you will still end up with more than you can chew and handle. There is no need to want the whole cake; no need for excessive greed or pride or arrogance for that matter. To each their own piece of cake.

This leads us to the following question: Whose slice of cake is actually better? Would that make a difference though? They are all from the same cake and just for argument's sake, they have been divided in equal parts (in reality it is a difficult task when you are dealing with infinity). Can you claim that your piece tastes better than the other person's?

And then we are caught up again in a world not made of facts but opinions. The fact is I am eating a cake, which can be defined with certain properties and characteristics. This one has frosting but of different flavors and colors, just to add a bit of variety because I highly doubt God to be monotonous and I believe Him to be the best chef or pastry-maker there is in this or any other universe.

Suddenly we are not dealing with facts anymore. What we are considering is not a fact, but an opinion. And opinions are exactly that; they are what and how people think and feel about certain issues. When it comes to taste you cannot claim that this food tastes better than the other based on reason or empirical facts. It seems ridiculous to claim that one's cake tastes better simply because you prefer lemon over chocolate! Lemon is great, but so is chocolate. Yet some people do not like either. They should not burn in hell for their taste buds and culinary preferences, don't you think?

Opinions then cannot be judged on a scale of right or wrong. They are reflections of personality, genetics, culture, upbringing and personal taste. So let's all have cake and let us share and break dessert together. And if you do not like my slice of cake, I will have to live with it and so do you, but at least neither one of us will hunger in mind or spirit because there is more than enough cake going around for everyone.

What it might feel like when Epiphany kicks in

Insight, epiphany, understanding, sudden realization – it comes under a variety of names, shades and classifications. In short, they are moments when something (or everything) suddenly comes into focus and you grasp it better. It is the camera lens that zooms in and gives us a crystal-clear image of what is really going on within and without us. But once you are lucky enough for this realization to kick in -- and in my opinion it is a matter of time and effort -- what will be your reaction?

There are two possible types of reactions I can think of when the moment of realization takes place. The first one would be that reality was all a sham. It is suddenly realizing or perhaps being told that life has been not only an illusion, but actually a kind of cosmic joke. It's like an episode of “Punk'd” or “Candid Camera,” where the host (God? An angel? The devil?) points towards the secret hidden camera.

When that moment arrives, there are two kinds of reactions. You may feel frustrated and angry. You may want to sue the host for wasting your time and making you suffer all for nothing. You may be angry to have been taken for a fool.

Or you may be relieved and happy. “I knew it all along,” you may shout out to regain a few shreds of dignity. Or you may smirk about it and be pleasantly surprised. You may even be amazed at the ingenuity of the “host” or “creator.” Or if there be no host, the atheist will give you a sermon on how they were right all this time.

In its Judeo-Christian version, you will be a game-show candidate. You will be told that all your life was just a test, a kind of reality show contest. You will then hear if you have made it or not. Did you win the grand prize? Will you get to enter heaven or did you not play according the rules, did you get disqualified, would you end up in hell for being such a lousy contestant after all? Or will it be a matter of random luck: Choose one among three doors and find out what lies behind it!

Another way we may realize the truth would be what Zen calls satori, generally known as enlightenment. It also contains the element of sudden insight or surprise; you may see it all as a sham, but you would only have yourself to blame. You will be like the dog chasing its tail and suddenly you stop and realize what it was all about. Yes, happiness and salvation were always there in front of your very own eyes. The devil (!) was in the details, and we have spent so many years just running around like a headless chicken, following the unnerving and incessant chatter in our heads. Everything is and has always been beautiful but we just failed to look at it properly.

Either way, I do believe one day there will be insight and everything will make sense. Perhaps not in human terms and perhaps not even very logical, but one moment will come in this (or the other) life where everything proverbially speaking falls into place. And yes, if the atheist is right, we would just fall into eternal sleep. Life may have been nonsense, but at that point, who cares, there is nobody to feel or regret anything and one would dissolve with all the natural elements and become enmeshed with loose particles whirling in the empty air.