Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Five Alternative Candidates for the Presidential Election

An empty wooden chair in a shack
Eastwooding Country-Style
After watching a rather underwhelming presidential debate tonight, I imagined who would be some possible alternative choices for the upcoming presidential election. 

So here is a list of five people who should be on the ballot come November ... well maybe not exactly according to the American people, but in my own humble opinion.

# 1 Quentin Tarantino

Sure, the levels of violence might go up and there will definitely be blood, but at least it will be done with an element of artistry. His presidential speeches might be filled with expletives, but he will be more in touch with how many of us actually communicate in real life and not hold back his real emotions.

As to foreign policy, he will hire a couple of entertaining and philosophical hit-men to get the job done, and the “Wolf” to clean up after them. In fact, he will empower women and give them a training academy to become proficient martial arts fighters.

Movies will be on every school curriculum since kindergarten, and he will perhaps introduce the metric system to the United States and consequently change the names of the nation's beloved burgers. 

He will pardon criminals and psychopaths and hire them as his personal staff and code them according to colors. The world will not be a more peaceful place, but it will be more entertaining at least.

#2: Clint Eastwood

This guy should be in office! He won't even have to travel to meet delegates or foreign officials, he will just imagine them next to him in the empty chair. If things get out of control, he will pull out his gun and ask them in a gruff voice to go ahead and make his day.

And if foreign operations are deemed necessary, he will call his pals to get it done, the full cast of The Expendables with all their explosive bombs and weapons.

#3 Prince Harry

Yes, technically impossible you might say because he is a British royal. But it might be worth bending the rules a little to let this guy become the next president. Imagine the fun we could have with this guy as commander-in-chief!

Politics will be an endless party and the White House will be as vibrant as Studio 54 during the rolling and groovy late 70s. And the staff will run around naked, drink to heart's delight and jump into the pool (the White House must have a pool somewhere).

As to Foreign Policy, who cares? Life is for having fun although he may occasionally show off his military gear and shooting skills to the foreign diplomats.

#4 Jerry Seinfeld

A presidency about nothing. His speeches will be acute and sarcastic observations about political life and strife, and he will make a mockery of every leader around the world. No one will be spared from the stiletto of his wit.

As to staff? Well, George will be his VP obviously, and Jerry will counsel him in his “foreign adventures.” Elaine as Secretary of the State, that is whatever they do in this position she can do well or even better yada yada. And the Press Secretary? Who else than Kramer with his elegant mannerisms?

#5 Lisa Simpson

OK she may be too young for office but in terms of smarts she can definitely hold her own. Lisa will stand up for human and animal rights, and she will make morality, honesty and decency the number one priorities.

Yet in order to keep up a certain level of zaniness, she would have to select her brother Bart as her VP. That way he can play pranks on politicians and leaders everywhere and “Eat my shorts” will be translated in various languages around the world.

Homer will keep working at the nuclear plant, doing what he does best and thanks to him, Lisa will not be too harsh on things like drinking beer in public. Secretary of the Sate will be no other than Ned Flanders with his upbeat attitude and unflinching optimism.

Anyhow, personally, I would never wish to be a president. It is a complex and ungrateful position with way too much responsibility. I have enough troubles and headaches with the decisions in my own life, let alone making decisions that have possible repercussions on the lives of billions of people! 

But I hope that my dear neighbors across the border will make the right decision and vote responsibly, in the best interest of the entire nation and the promotion of world peace.

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