Spotting and Overcoming a Narcissist: From Victim to Victor Book Review

What should you do if your partner is a narcissist? The short answer: You would need to cut your losses, break all contact and communication with them and run away. You should refrain from engaging in a push-and-pull on-and-off hot-and-cold relationship with a narcissist, which is not only their favorite game but they will come out of it victorious due to their abundant experience in manipulation and deceit combined with a characteristic lack of scruples.

But if you cannot escape or choose to remain and stick it out or if you have grown up with years of accumulated narcissistic abuse, then you would greatly benefit from reading Mariette Jansen’s book From Victim to Victor: Narcissism Survival Guide. Dr. Jansen has not only studied narcissism extensively but, more importantly, she has experienced it herself.

What is narcissism? It is a type of personality disorder that is exemplified by an obsession about oneself combined with a lack of empathy. Narcissists may be different from sociopaths but their disregard of and lack of concern for the health and safety of others put them in the same boat and ballpark.

Although there are different shades and levels of and to narcissism and it is a sliding scale from on the spectrum to full-blown (we can have healthy and normal ranges too), narcissists can be pathological and malignant. In fact, they tend to manifest the following behaviors and attitudes: they have a grandiose self-opinion with a sense of entitlement (they belong on the center stage and in the limelight, while others merely exist to serve them and propel their goals and ambitions), they will attempt to control and manipulate (and they are extremely successful at that with rumor, gossip and blatant lies), they cannot handle any form of criticism (they are perfect and it is never their fault) and they lack empathy and emotional awareness (they are cold and incredibly cruel and feel they are above the law).

And yes, the 45th US president is a narcissist. Yet often, it is much harder to spot them as they are very good at manipulating and falsifying information in addition to controlling others, and they are perfectly adept at gaslighting, which they indeed may have invented in the first place! If you can, it is best not to confront them as they can spin information and even facts to such a degree that they make your head spin and make you even doubt and question your own reality and version of events.

To keep your sanity, Mariette suggests you take pictures or gather evidence in any form you can. This is not done to convince the narcissist (sorry, you will not succeed there) but rather to remind yourself of your sanity and to keep a physical keepsake of the truth. In fact, to avoid falling into the narcissistic trap, it is best not to become jaded, that is not to fall into the temptation to JADE – to justify, to argue, to defend, or even to explain yourself to them.

Not only would this be a waste of your time, but in the process, you might open yourself up and become vulnerable to further and more vicious attacks from the narcissist. In fact, keep in mind that they will not accept or own up to mistakes but they will always blame you, others, or the circumstances, and they might as well call you or claim your reaction to be overblown, oversensitive, hysterical, and unreasonable. Hence, you shall never be validated, no matter how hard you may try and how reasonable and convincing you may be.

No matter how much we would like to help or change them, narcissists cannot be helped. Even in the best but highly improbable case of fortuitous circumstances that they should be pushed to look for professional help (they will not because they think they are perfect and that they will not need to change, while they will easily point the finger back at you claiming it is you who needs psychological support), even then, this condition cannot be successfully treated. However, what can be treated and remedied is the lasting and traumatic effect and legacy they have on their victims.

It took Mariette various decades to recognize, realize, and free herself from narcissistic abuse. She has grown up under the tutelage of a narcissistic mother and the amount and extent of damage one receives as a child is immense, profound, and long-lasting. Growing up in a narcissistic household will leave you with many deep emotional scars.

You will be anxious and insecure and in a constant state of hypervigilance, where you are always both consciously and unconsciously alert to potential threats and dangers around you. This state not only erodes and undermines your self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth, but it also leads to the production of high levels of stress hormones that become lodged in our body and mind.

It is a vicious cycle during which you have not received love nor established trust in yourself; in fact, you have been fed and filled with doubts and confusion, which puts you in an ideal state for narcissistic parents as you can be easily controlled by them.

It certainly does not help that other people, including friends and family members, often come to the rescue of the narcissist and defend their abuses against you. They will say empty platitudes like you have only one mother and wait until you are a parent yourself, or that nobody is perfect and that they have suffered in their lifetime etc. while you ask yourself what exactly did I do wrong to deserve this kind of treatment and abuse?

In reality, you are not to blame in this situation and have done nothing wrong. You are not difficult, demanding nor significant, but this is what the narcissist wants you to think and believe. As Mariette herself explains, narcissists are cruel, manipulative, and clever, and they have subtle means and skillful manners of distorting the truth and of confusing, brainwashing, and controlling you and others. 

The good news is that with the right tools and mindset, you can overcome those deep-seated traumas and this book provides essential and vital coping skills. It takes a substantial amount of effort and perseverance to undo the wrongs that have accumulated in your psyche. It is best not to cast blame but to try to deal with the pain and suffering so that you can come out on the other side unscathed, healed, and renewed with your authentic loving self re-instated and intact.

But first, we would need to spot them. Spotting them is not always easy and clear-cut but there are certain things that they say and do that can provide us with hints. I have recently watched the series Dirty John based on real-life experiences with a narcissistic seducer and con artist and whose wife suffered many relapses until she was able to free herself from him indefinitely.

Like many unsuspecting victims, she fell for him, his charm, his ruse, and lies, and it is indeed easy to fall prey to their manipulative ways. Recently after watching the documentary Diana in her own Words, I have come to suspect that Princess Diana may have been a narcissist as well; if this turns out to be true, then she has managed to take us for a ride for such a long time by projecting a shy, noble and caring person via the media. The same can be said about other potential and suspected narcissists like Madonna and Steve Jobs as well as various other celebrities and entrepreneurs.

But narcissists do not need the media to broadcast their lies and conceits since they have their own army of flying monkeys. Flying monkeys are the hired and recruited help for smear campaigns; they will spy on you, and if need be, punish you on the narcissist’s behalf. The narcissist uses rumor and gossip, most of them unsubstantiated, some of them partial yet distorted truths, and some of them unabashed fabricated and blatant lies to reach their aims and goals. Narcissists lack emotional awareness and do not have a conscience, so they know no bounds; moreover, the law is for normal people and it does not apply to them since they think they are elevated beings.

For instance, waiting in line is a huge challenge for narcissists as it does not show them to be the special being they think they are, so they might either make up an excuse to move ahead or they have been known to carry and brandish a fake walking cane to get ahead of the line. And yes, the person who refuses to wear a mask and holds a family BBQ without social distancing in the midst of a raging and contagious pandemic is a narcissist at heart.

The flying monkeys are family members and friends that the narcissist wins over by claiming that he or she has been mistreated by certain individuals. Narcissists are very good at victimizing themselves, not accepting any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions, and blaming others. They will shed crocodile tears but do not be fooled; it is just a ruse. They are very skillful at hiding their real nature and at projecting a fake persona.

Narcissists will present themselves as perfect models and examples either as the ideal Prince/Princess charming or as the flawless mother/father. Moreover, narcissists have a very limited range of feelings, and they are of the negative kind, such as anger, fear, envy, and hate. Although they claim to suffer, they do not do so and are in fact incapable of it.

But flying monkeys are either weak, highly insecure, and confused individuals or they are frustrated and filled with envy and anger themselves as they would vicariously relish in causing harm to others. Either way, if family and friends have joined forces with the narcissist, you will have lost them and need to break contact with them as well. You will have to move away and remove them from your life and be cognizant that you will lose a lot of other family members in the process.

Do not trust the narcissist nor the flying monkeys, their chosen diplomats and extension of the narcissist, with any personal information as it can be used against you at unsuspected but strategically important and vulnerable moments of our life. For instance, in the series Dirty John, the titular character had found out that a young man’s mother had been killed by his father, and in a moment of fury and anger at being exposed, he strategically used that stored piece of information to his personal advantage. He snapped that it was a good thing the man’s father had shot his mother so she could not see what a complete loser her son had become. These words were meant to cause a devastating blow and could only come from a person without remorse and conscience, or human feeling for that matter.

Be wary of what information you divulge. One thing that all narcissists need is what Mariette calls narcissistic supply. Narcissists are extremely insecure and they try to hide this via external validation. Like an addict who needs and depends upon their fix, they crave attention and, more importantly, admiration and praise. If you choose to talk to them, stick to safe impersonal topics they are interested in. That way you can give them attention without comprising or endangering yourself.

Yet it is best and most recommended and safest not to have any contact with them whatsoever. Once you have successfully cut the cord with a narcissist and your relationship with them is a closed book, do not resuscitate the relationship but keep the book closed forever.

If you have been a child of a narcissist and have siblings, you will be categorized into three different camps. You are either the golden child who is supported and admired and feels loved, the invisible child who is overlooked and ignored, and the scapegoat who is the black sheep and always gets the blame for everything. These categories are flexible and depend on the extent you are following their orders and pleasing them.

In fact, you can quickly move from golden child to black sheep but that simply means that you have upheld standards of honesty and integrity and have not bowed to pressure or criticism. The previous “honor” and distinction of being in the narcissist’s good books would then go to another sibling who continues to put their mother on the pedestal no matter what she says or does.

In that way, you are disposable and easily replaceable, and the other child will provide them with the narcissistic supply they crave. In our household, my mother has propagated and perhaps even believes herself that she is the perfect embodiment of motherhood, while my younger brothers have always supported her - to their very own detriment.

Moreover, narcissists thrive on control as it gives them a sense of importance and relevance. As a result, they look for an insecure and kind partner and they tend to instill fear and insecurity in their children to keep them bound to them, often for life. The household needs to be dominant-submissive where one parent dictates and everyone follows their order, whereas children are viewed as objects that need to be controlled, used, and manipulated and they are not allowed to grow up as it is then easier to manipulate them.

Narcissist mothers are also the ones who would let their offspring know on a steady and consistent basis how much they have sacrificed for the health and well-being of their children. Mariette recounts those cringeworthy moments where her mother would tell everyone how she did everything for her children. Narcissists are great at victimizing themselves as it frees them of and safeguards them from any responsibility while creating feelings of guilt and remorse in the other.

In our family, we would hear on a constant basis how our mother has sacrificed so much for us and that we supposedly show little respect and appreciation for her. If you dare to speak up or disagree with them on many matter, you will feel their anger by having them either withdraw their love and support or they will shun and avoid you; as an intended form of punishment, they would badmouth you with others and/or by ostracize you from the rest of the family. Narcissists are the ultimate bullies as it gives them a sense of power and control over others, something they relish; yet nowhere is this type of behavior more unethical and cruel than when it comes to parent-child bonds and relationships.

Narcissists are toxic and will infect others with toxic stories about cruelty. The divide-and-conquer strategy that hey use and engage in helps them to stay and remain in power as it negates any type of direct communication, unity, and rebellion against them. Since they can come off as convincing, people often take their words at face value and this creates distance, division, and resentment, which is to the advantage of the narcissist. If you have them as a romantic partner, they will create a rift between you and your friends and family so that they can easily control you and so that they have your undivided and full attention.

They may also use emotional blackmail. As they are masters of deceit and manipulation, they will even have you believe they have serious illnesses and medical conditions. They have known to fake cancers and heart attacks as they will use it to either make you feel guilty for their supposed plight or to make you feel sorry for them or both. Sometimes they would use a member of the flying monkeys to exert pressure on you. In this drama triangle, you will be the guilty party, while the flying monkey will feel validation by being the rescuer, and they will all judge and prosecute you for supposedly hurting the “innocent victim”- the narcissist.

Since narcissists love to be the center of attention, they love themselves a good show and spectacle. Mariette’s mother used to hate funerals and weddings because she would not be the centerpiece, but they love to make scenes as the drama they create puts the focus back on them. My own mother loves family events because they would be the perfect stage for her performance during which she would victimize herself and put the blame on me. Her army of flying monkeys would of course quickly jump and run to her side by fully and blindly supporting and validating her.

Narcissists also will not give expensive gifts in private. They like to show and demonstrate to others how generous and loving they are, and they would display it at family gatherings. As external presentation is important to them, some of them would also dress in extravagant fashion to impress others and might even go to the opera or theatre not because they are cultivated and genuinely interested but because they want you to think and believe they are. The opposite is also true when they wear shabby clothing to instill, arouse and elicit feelings of pity and of compassion as well as commiseration in others.

I particularly love the following quote in Mariette’s book: “people who feel the need to control others, don’t have control over themselves” and it summarizes the situation with narcissists. Do not trust them as they will bend the truth to their advantage either by reframing events or by fabricating lies. Do not fall for the "fauxpologies" as they swear to change or be better; they cannot and will not do so and those instances are only meant to deflect or induce guilt.

And more importantly, do not doubt your gut feeling. If you have made a decision including to remove them from your life, do not hesitate nor defend yourself. You do not owe anyone, least of all a narcissist, a reason for your choice and stop wasting mental and emotional energy on trying to please them or keep them satisfied.

Do not give in to attempts of hoovering where they try to suck you back into their miserable life by begging, seducing, guilt-tripping, yelling, shaming, making false accusations and playing the victim only with the aim of eliciting a reaction from you. They will even use kind and loving words to confuse and manipulate you by saying things like ‘I love you so much, how can you think I would hurt you?’ or by making you feel guilty with cringe-worthy statements about how they endured suffering or gave up so much because of as well as for you.

At all times, stay true to yourself, your inner compass and sense of direction, and stick to integrity and justice. Keep in mind that the road to freedom is arduous, difficult, and cumbersome, but in the end, you will not only lead a more authentic life, but you will be able to find joy and happiness. And if you need help, remember to check out Mariette’s book as well as her blog to guide you along the way to your liberation.

Psychotherapy, Parenting and Millennials: An Interview with Asha Tarry

I was in the process of putting together a post on millennials when I heard about Asha Tarry’s book entitled Adulting as aMillennial: A Guide to Everything Your Parents Didn’t Teach You. I was most intrigued to talk to her and she graciously accepted to do so.

Asha is a psychotherapist and life coach. We had a very pleasant chat that covered everything from psychotherapy, philosophy, our respective childhoods and families as well as the intended topic of millennials. Since there is so much to cover here, I have decided to separate my posts and publish at a later date the article that deals with millennials and current political issues. Instead, I will focus here solely on my interview with Asha whose thoughts, work as well as practice I would like to feature and showcase.

 

Parenting of millennials and our own personal experience

Before we delved fully into the topic and as a kind of icebreaker, I asked Asha, why she had added the subtitle Everything Your Parents Didn’t Teach You and hence put some emphasis on the parents of millennials. She explained how in many ways parenting, alongside wide-scale and rapid social changes, influenced and shaped the mindset and circumstances of the millennials.

This was not necessarily an issue of parents withholding information or refusing to guide their children nor was it intentional, but there were two factors involved. First off, due to economic situations and circumstances, parents would have to work more. This did not only apply to single-parent households but in many families, both parents had to enter the workforce and work longer hours.

This led to the situation that many millennials did not have direct parental access when growing up. Since parents were out of the home, in some cases, they would be raised by their grandparents. Moreover, growing up in a period of fast development, the advent of rapid technological progress with the Internet and Social Media, led many of them to grow up with screens of televisions, computers, and iPads. This robbed and impeded them from actively participating in games as well as outdoor activities.

Moreover, without parents at hand to guide and teach them and even more importantly, to care for and nurture them, these children lacked not only discipline and structure growing up, but they did not have sufficient confidence-building activities. This led them to experience high levels of anxiety and restlessness.

In fact, there were many lessons that millennials missed in their childhood. This impacted and impeded their relationship both with themselves as well as others. There are a lot of things that they have not processed, digested or fully settled into, which is why Asha describes her clients as young and brilliant minds with anxious bodies.

This is mainly because millennials did not learn nor discover important lessons and strategies about themselves. They are not clear about how the world works or how to build relationships, and they lack knowledge about themselves. Moreover, growing up in a fast environment, they tend to look for quick results and solutions.

In their impatience, millennials want to learn lessons quickly while at the same time avoiding, evading, and circumventing difficult and challenging situations. The problem is that it is indeed the hardest lessons that are the best ones: They teach us resilience and strength while putting everything into perspective.

The other issue is that since millennials do not want to suffer, they carry and hold onto the expectation that you can live this life unscathed, which is a myth and is detrimental to psychological and emotional growth and well-being. As Asha put it quite well, you need to allow yourself to fall but not to fall apart. Not everything is a failure, but even failure can be used as fodder and as a means of exploration and understanding of oneself and others.

When it comes to mishaps, we could look at what went wrong in those cases while analyzing the situation and asking ourselves relevant questions. The most important part here is to be curious and to be willing to learn from experience instead of trying to avoid them or to shift blame and responsibility.

Both Asha and I agreed that our own difficult circumstances growing up has in many ways led and shaped us to not only understand ourselves better but to be able to have compassion, empathy, and understanding for others. Nobody wants pain and suffering, but when we encounter and confront them, we can grow much more as a person and that makes them invaluable teachers in and for our lives, something we can then share with others.

 

Anxiety, Impostor Syndrome and Perfectionism

In the meantime, anxiety is on the rise. It is visible everywhere one goes, and we can see it in people, on the news, and on Social Media, and often, we experience it ourselves. It is manifested in different ways, ranging from apathy to aggression, from violence to silence. Add to that, the political climate, social unrest, and a rapidly growing pandemic that has brought the world to its knees, and you can better understand the reasons for the madness that is happening at this moment.

Anxiety can also be manifested in two other ways, both of which we touched upon in the interview, namely impostor syndrome, and perfectionism. Impostor syndrome or phenomenon is fueled by the feeling or the nagging doubt that one is simply not good enough. It leads you to feel like an impostor, a fraud, and that any success you achieve is due to luck and circumstance and not because of your own efforts or work.

We may have all experienced moments of impostor syndrome at some point in our lives. I myself am guilty as charged but Asha pointed out two things to keep in mind about impostor syndrome. First off, it is a syndrome and not an illness. In fact, when it is a cluster of syndromes that affects our lifestyle, feelings, and beliefs, it becomes maladaptive and can cause harm to our self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. Over time, and if avoided and unprocessed, it can create trauma.

Although it is a serious issue, it can also have its benefits. In fact, it can drive people to become better or to strive to overcome limitations. It is the inherent motor and drive for self-improvement. Since anxiety is essentially a similar feeling to excitement, we can put this anxious energy to use by using it to our own advantage.

Perfectionism, on the other hand, is the result of trauma. It is often connected to early childhood experiences, which can lead to maladaptive symptoms. It is compulsive behavior as it pushes people to overwork themselves, and it is a form of suffering that is akin to obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The best way to deal with perfectionism is to trust yourself while knowing and being aware of your limits and limitations. It is good to do your best work and to strive for excellence but not for perfection. It is also a matter of honesty and transparency with yourself: You need to be honest about yourself, understand your flaws, and keep reminding yourself that nobody is indeed perfect.

 

The Role of Psychotherapy

In terms of psychotherapy, we talked about various topics related to the methodology, practice, and perception of it. As someone who loves, practices, talks, and writes about psychology, I was most curious to know her approach. In my experience, some practices are simply better and more effective and productive than others. My concern was that she would be using CBT (Cognitive-behavioral therapy), an approach that I like and appreciate, but one that does not solve traumas as efficiently and deeply as psychoanalysis, for example.

I was most pleased to hear from Asha that she not only tends to have a more eclectic approach but that she is also a supporter of psychoanalysis and its many benefits to health and well-being. Her background included object relations theory, which I find rather fascinating. Over the years, she has come to use and practice a mindfulness-based version of CBT, which sounds quite interesting to me.

What is even more important, encouraging, and promising is that she has used that very same approach on herself for some years now. It has helped her to relax more and to breathe and pause when stressed. She is also aware that it is necessary to dig into one’s past to uncover and reveal past trauma as many of us have a trauma history even if we are not aware of it. This necessary and vital focus is to some extent thanks to her training as an analyst and has been part and parcel of her work for more than two decades of professional experience in the field of mental health.

In Asha’s own case, her experience was also enriched by and through philosophy, another one of my own passions as evidenced in this blog. In fact, philosophy inspired her to question everything. Like many of us, she noticed that curiosity is not always promoted or encouraged, and this resistance would come from those who claim to foster it, such as parents and teachers. It tends to occur in restrictive households and environments that do not allow much room for doubt or for questioning God and religion, while it could also be stifled by parents who do not want to, refuse, or fail to talk about feelings with their children.

Psychotherapy has the potential to give people that space to grow and to know and find themselves. It is a place of confrontation, not in the negative, hostile, or frightening sense but rather as a space of direct, honest talk and conversation. This directness is often missing and lacking in our daily life.

For instance, we are often indirect with ourselves and with other people. We do not want to be asked direct questions but prefer to present an image of a false self and project a fake persona. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in Social Media, but we do the same in face-to-face interactions as well when we pretend that things are great and that we have all the answers.

First off, that is untrue. Yet, more importantly, it is counterproductive to self-development. We are blocking and limiting ourselves instead of being open to exploring who we are. This complacent and narcissistic type of person is not at all interested in finding out things that they did not know about themselves but they operate on the false assumption and delusion that they are fully in control of themselves and their life; over time, this can lead to a crisis of identity.

When people choose psychotherapy, they are often expecting quick results, which is also something that is not feasible or helpful. Years of trauma cannot be undone within a few sessions and this can certainly not be achieved via medication only. Many also do not want to do the necessary legwork and soul-searching and do not want to find answers; instead, they want to be given solutions. The aim of psychotherapy is to give you the tools and understanding but you would have to apply them to yourself for it to work.

One should always discover things and be open to learning. One of the most startling realizations is that there is not a fixed self nor a real you to speak of. When you talk about yourself, you are having an idea of yourself that is fixed in time and space alongside fixed and frozen ideas about the world. But, in reality, everything is in flux, and we constantly change through our feelings and experiences.

This is an important, essential, and necessary insight for the millennials that Asha works with. It is a process, a kind of unraveling of who they thought to be as well as the person others wanted them to be. They wish to feel stable and understood, but first, they would have to become open to experiences and respond to life more authentically, that is, by being more honest and spontaneous without overthinking things.

 

Social Media and Overcoming Groupthink and Intolerance 

Social Media is not the solution but part of the problem itself. In Social Media, everything has to be loud, big, and critical. It is like a room of people who are all shouting at the same time, each of whom craves and wants your attention. It is also a place that feeds intolerance and tends to deplete and undermine critical thinking and open dialogue.

The moment someone disappoints you or says something that you disagree with, you want to cancel them. But you are not aware that this is harmful to people’s psychological health as you are essentially debasing others when they disappoint you. At the same time, your action is often based on distorted, fragmented, or incomplete information and facts.

No matter what the goal and intention, it is harmful to tell people what to think instead of allowing and encouraging people to be critical thinkers themselves. This is apart from the fact that people choose to offend and personalize others instead of showing compassion, empathy, and understanding, traits that are most important and lacking in today’s society.

On various occasions, Asha herself has refused to jump on the bandwagon to debase others. Instead of making quick, righteous, and self-important judgments about others and instead of being pushed or triggered to cancel those individuals, the focus should be on more important goals and issues, such as canceling poverty, racism, sexism, and ageism. Unfortunately, many have lost sight of those goals and use Social Media to elevate themselves and to debase others while shutting down the conversation or the opportunity for any dialogue or discussion to take place.

We also want to avoid prematurely and naively seeing and expecting others to solve all our problems. This was the case with Obama who many believed would solve racial tension and problems and, in a way, it is also occurring with Kamala Harris. First, one needs to be aware that she has not been elected yet, but also that she will not be able to fix racial problems by herself and on her own. It is an important and historical event, but it should not lead one to a sense of false security. We would need to remind ourselves and be aware that she will have her own agenda, and like all of us, her own share of flaws and missteps along the way.

This trauma response, over-attaching oneself to something quickly without giving it time or reflection, is exacerbated by a lack of patience and tolerance among millennials and tends to foster groupthink. This is contradictory to freedom due to its lack of exchange of ideas and it would only lead to more division and segregation. Unfortunately, it is tied to and connected with propaganda and it could lead to dangerous, divisive, and hateful political and social unrest.

For healing to occur, we need to think and work as a community. We would need to take action and be responsible and accountable for our actions. At the same time, the goal should not be to attack others but rather to protect them. For instance, burning others for a perceived lack or an insufficient amount of activism especially while a pandemic is raging and ongoing is not in the best interest of one’s fellow beings.

Whether this is achieved through mindful activism, such as using safe measures like phone calls, writing letters and emails, signing online petitions, or by following social distancing measures and wearing a mask, we want to show that we care for each other. In fact, healing is two-fold and interdependent: When you help others heal themselves, you will also heal yourself.

You can find the podcast here: "Anxiety, Impostor Syndrome and Perfectionism: Parenting and its Effects on Millennials with Life Coach Asha Tarry"

And here's the YouTube video of this interview: "Arash's World Interview with Psychotherapist & Life Coach Asha Tarry on Social Media and Millennials"