But if you cannot escape or choose to remain and stick it
out or if you have grown up with years of accumulated narcissistic abuse, then
you would greatly benefit from reading Mariette Jansen’s book From Victim to
Victor: Narcissism Survival Guide. Dr. Jansen has not only studied
narcissism extensively but, more importantly, she has experienced it herself.
What is narcissism? It is a type of personality disorder
that is exemplified by an obsession about oneself combined with a lack of
empathy. Narcissists may be different from sociopaths but their disregard of
and lack of concern for the health and safety of others put them in the same
boat and ballpark.
Although there are different shades and levels of and to
narcissism and it is a sliding scale from on the spectrum to full-blown (we can
have healthy and normal ranges too), narcissists can be pathological and
malignant. In fact, they tend to manifest the following behaviors and
attitudes: they have a grandiose self-opinion with a sense of entitlement (they
belong on the center stage and in the limelight, while others merely exist to
serve them and propel their goals and ambitions), they will attempt to control
and manipulate (and they are extremely successful at that with rumor, gossip
and blatant lies), they cannot handle any form of criticism (they are perfect
and it is never their fault) and they lack empathy and emotional awareness
(they are cold and incredibly cruel and feel they are above the law).
And yes, the 45th US president is a narcissist. Yet often,
it is much harder to spot them as they are very good at manipulating and
falsifying information in addition to controlling others, and they are perfectly
adept at gaslighting, which they indeed may have invented in the first place!
If you can, it is best not to confront them as they can spin information and
even facts to such a degree that they make your head spin and make you even
doubt and question your own reality and version of events.
To keep your sanity, Mariette suggests you take pictures or
gather evidence in any form you can. This is not done to convince the
narcissist (sorry, you will not succeed there) but rather to remind yourself of
your sanity and to keep a physical keepsake of the truth. In fact, to avoid
falling into the narcissistic trap, it is best not to become jaded, that
is not to fall into the temptation to JADE – to justify, to argue, to defend, or
even to explain yourself to them.
Not only would this be a waste of your time, but in the process,
you might open yourself up and become vulnerable to further and more vicious
attacks from the narcissist. In fact, keep in mind that they will not accept or
own up to mistakes but they will always blame you, others, or the circumstances,
and they might as well call you or claim your reaction to be overblown, oversensitive,
hysterical, and unreasonable. Hence, you shall never be validated, no matter
how hard you may try and how reasonable and convincing you may be.
No matter how much we would like to help or change them,
narcissists cannot be helped. Even in the best but highly improbable case of fortuitous
circumstances that they should be pushed to look for professional help (they
will not because they think they are perfect and that they will not need to
change, while they will easily point the finger back at you claiming it is you who
needs psychological support), even then, this condition cannot be successfully
treated. However, what can be treated and remedied is the lasting and traumatic
effect and legacy they have on their victims.
It took Mariette various decades to recognize, realize, and free
herself from narcissistic abuse. She has grown up under the tutelage of a
narcissistic mother and the amount and extent of damage one receives as a child
is immense, profound, and long-lasting. Growing up in a narcissistic household
will leave you with many deep emotional scars.
You will be anxious and insecure and in a constant state of
hypervigilance, where you are always both consciously and unconsciously alert
to potential threats and dangers around you. This state not only erodes and
undermines your self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth, but it also leads
to the production of high levels of stress hormones that become lodged in our
body and mind.
It is a vicious cycle during which you have not received
love nor established trust in yourself; in fact, you have been fed and filled
with doubts and confusion, which puts you in an ideal state for narcissistic parents as you can be easily controlled by them.
It certainly does not help that other people, including
friends and family members, often come to the rescue of the narcissist and
defend their abuses against you. They will say empty platitudes like you have
only one mother and wait until you are a parent yourself, or that nobody is
perfect and that they have suffered in their lifetime etc. while you ask
yourself what exactly did I do wrong to deserve this kind of treatment
and abuse?
In reality, you are not to blame in this situation and have
done nothing wrong. You are not difficult, demanding nor significant, but this
is what the narcissist wants you to think and believe. As Mariette herself
explains, narcissists are cruel, manipulative, and clever, and they have subtle
means and skillful manners of distorting the truth and of confusing,
brainwashing, and controlling you and others.
The good news is that with the right tools and mindset, you can
overcome those deep-seated traumas and this book provides essential and vital coping
skills. It takes a substantial amount of effort and perseverance to undo the wrongs
that have accumulated in your psyche. It is best not to cast blame but to try
to deal with the pain and suffering so that you can come out on the other side
unscathed, healed, and renewed with your authentic loving self re-instated and
intact.
But first, we would need to spot them. Spotting them is not
always easy and clear-cut but there are certain things that they say and do
that can provide us with hints. I have recently watched the series Dirty
John based on real-life experiences with a narcissistic seducer and con
artist and whose wife suffered many relapses until she was able to free herself
from him indefinitely.
Like many unsuspecting victims, she fell for him, his charm,
his ruse, and lies, and it is indeed easy to fall prey to their manipulative
ways. Recently after watching the documentary Diana in her own Words, I
have come to suspect that Princess Diana may have been a narcissist as well; if
this turns out to be true, then she has managed to take us for a ride for such
a long time by projecting a shy, noble and caring person via the media. The
same can be said about other potential and suspected narcissists like Madonna
and Steve Jobs as well as various other celebrities and entrepreneurs.
But narcissists do not need the media to broadcast their
lies and conceits since they have their own army of flying monkeys. Flying
monkeys are the hired and recruited help for smear campaigns; they will spy on
you, and if need be, punish you on the narcissist’s behalf. The narcissist uses
rumor and gossip, most of them unsubstantiated, some of them partial yet
distorted truths, and some of them unabashed fabricated and blatant lies to
reach their aims and goals. Narcissists lack emotional awareness and do not have
a conscience, so they know no bounds; moreover, the law is for normal people and it does
not apply to them since they think they are elevated beings.
For instance, waiting in line is a huge challenge for narcissists
as it does not show them to be the special being they think they are, so they
might either make up an excuse to move ahead or they have been known to carry and
brandish a fake walking cane to get ahead of the line. And yes, the person who
refuses to wear a mask and holds a family BBQ without social distancing in the
midst of a raging and contagious pandemic is a narcissist at heart.
The flying monkeys are family members and friends that the narcissist
wins over by claiming that he or she has been mistreated by certain individuals.
Narcissists are very good at victimizing themselves, not accepting any responsibility
whatsoever for their own actions, and blaming others. They will shed crocodile
tears but do not be fooled; it is just a ruse. They are very skillful at hiding their
real nature and at projecting a fake persona.
Narcissists will present themselves as perfect models and
examples either as the ideal Prince/Princess charming or as the flawless
mother/father. Moreover, narcissists have a very limited range of feelings, and
they are of the negative kind, such as anger, fear, envy, and hate. Although
they claim to suffer, they do not do so and are in fact incapable of it.
But flying monkeys are either weak, highly insecure, and
confused individuals or they are frustrated and filled with envy and anger
themselves as they would vicariously relish in causing harm to others. Either
way, if family and friends have joined forces with the narcissist, you will
have lost them and need to break contact with them as well. You will have to
move away and remove them from your life and be cognizant that you will lose a
lot of other family members in the process.
Do not trust the narcissist nor the flying monkeys, their
chosen diplomats and extension of the narcissist, with any personal information
as it can be used against you at unsuspected but strategically important and
vulnerable moments of our life. For instance, in the series Dirty John,
the titular character had found out that a young man’s mother had been killed
by his father, and in a moment of fury and anger at being exposed, he
strategically used that stored piece of information to his personal advantage. He
snapped that it was a good thing the man’s father had shot his mother so she
could not see what a complete loser her son had become. These words were meant
to cause a devastating blow and could only come from a person without remorse
and conscience, or human feeling for that matter.
Be wary of what information you divulge. One thing that all
narcissists need is what Mariette calls narcissistic supply. Narcissists are
extremely insecure and they try to hide this via external validation. Like an
addict who needs and depends upon their fix, they crave attention and, more
importantly, admiration and praise. If you choose to talk to them, stick to
safe impersonal topics they are interested in. That way you can give them
attention without comprising or endangering yourself.
Yet it is best and most recommended and safest not to
have any contact with them whatsoever. Once
you have successfully cut the cord with a narcissist and your relationship with
them is a closed book, do not resuscitate the relationship but keep the book
closed forever.
If you have been a child of a narcissist and have siblings,
you will be categorized into three different camps. You are either the golden
child who is supported and admired and feels loved, the invisible child who is
overlooked and ignored, and the scapegoat who is the black sheep and always
gets the blame for everything. These categories are flexible and depend on the
extent you are following their orders and pleasing them.
In fact, you can quickly move from golden child to black
sheep but that simply means that you have upheld standards of honesty and
integrity and have not bowed to pressure or criticism. The previous “honor”
and distinction of being in the narcissist’s good books would then go to
another sibling who continues to put their mother on the pedestal no matter
what she says or does.
In that way, you are disposable and easily replaceable, and
the other child will provide them with the narcissistic supply they crave. In our
household, my mother has propagated and perhaps even believes herself that she
is the perfect embodiment of motherhood, while my younger brothers have always
supported her - to their very own detriment.
Moreover, narcissists thrive on control as it gives them a
sense of importance and relevance. As a result, they look for an insecure and
kind partner and they tend to instill fear and insecurity in their children to
keep them bound to them, often for life. The household needs to be
dominant-submissive where one parent dictates and everyone follows their
order, whereas children are viewed as objects that need to be controlled, used,
and manipulated and they are not allowed to grow up as it is then easier to
manipulate them.
Narcissist mothers are also the ones who would let their
offspring know on a steady and consistent basis how much they have sacrificed
for the health and well-being of their children. Mariette recounts those
cringeworthy moments where her mother would tell everyone how she did
everything for her children. Narcissists are great at victimizing themselves as
it frees them of and safeguards them from any responsibility while creating
feelings of guilt and remorse in the other.
In our family, we would hear on a constant basis how our
mother has sacrificed so much for us and that we supposedly show little respect
and appreciation for her. If you dare to speak up or disagree with them on many
matter, you will feel their anger by having them either withdraw their love and
support or they will shun and avoid you; as an intended form of punishment,
they would badmouth you with others and/or by ostracize you from the rest of
the family. Narcissists are the ultimate bullies as it gives them a sense of
power and control over others, something they relish; yet nowhere is this type
of behavior more unethical and cruel than when it comes to parent-child bonds and relationships.
Narcissists are toxic and will infect others with toxic
stories about cruelty. The divide-and-conquer strategy that hey use and engage
in helps them to stay and remain in power as it negates any type of direct
communication, unity, and rebellion against them. Since they can come off as
convincing, people often take their words at face value and this creates
distance, division, and resentment, which is to the advantage of
the narcissist. If you have them as a romantic partner, they will create a rift
between you and your friends and family so that they can easily control you and
so that they have your undivided and full attention.
They may also use emotional blackmail. As they are masters
of deceit and manipulation, they will even have you believe they have serious
illnesses and medical conditions. They have known to fake cancers and heart
attacks as they will use it to either make you feel guilty for their supposed plight
or to make you feel sorry for them or both. Sometimes they would use a member
of the flying monkeys to exert pressure on you. In this drama triangle, you
will be the guilty party, while the flying
monkey will feel validation by being the rescuer, and they will all judge and
prosecute you for supposedly hurting the “innocent victim”- the narcissist.
Since narcissists
love to be the center of attention, they love themselves a good show and
spectacle. Mariette’s mother used to hate funerals and weddings because she
would not be the centerpiece, but they love to make scenes as the drama they
create puts the focus back on them. My own mother loves family events because
they would be the perfect stage for her performance during which she would victimize
herself and put the blame on me. Her army of flying monkeys would of course quickly
jump and run to her side by fully and blindly supporting and validating her.
Narcissists also
will not give expensive gifts in private. They like to show and demonstrate to
others how generous and loving they are, and they would display it at family
gatherings. As external presentation is important to them, some of them would
also dress in extravagant fashion to impress others and might even go to the
opera or theatre not because they are cultivated and genuinely interested but
because they want you to think and believe they are. The opposite is
also true when they wear shabby clothing to instill, arouse and elicit feelings
of pity and of compassion as well as commiseration in others.
I particularly love
the following quote in Mariette’s book: “people who feel the need to
control others, don’t have control over themselves” and it summarizes the
situation with narcissists. Do not trust them as they will bend the truth to
their advantage either by reframing events or by fabricating lies. Do not fall
for the "fauxpologies" as they swear to change or be better; they cannot and will
not do so and those instances are only meant to deflect or induce guilt.
And more
importantly, do not doubt your gut feeling. If you have made a decision
including to remove them from your life, do not hesitate nor defend yourself.
You do not owe anyone, least of all a narcissist, a reason for your choice and
stop wasting mental and emotional energy on trying to please them or keep them
satisfied.
Do not give in to
attempts of hoovering where they try to suck you back into their miserable life
by begging, seducing, guilt-tripping, yelling, shaming, making false
accusations and playing the victim only with the aim of eliciting a reaction
from you. They will even use kind and loving words to confuse and manipulate
you by saying things like ‘I love you so much, how can you think I would hurt
you?’ or by making you feel guilty with cringe-worthy statements about how they
endured suffering or gave up so much because of as well as for you.
At all times, stay true to yourself, your inner compass and sense of direction, and stick to integrity and justice. Keep in mind that the road to freedom is arduous, difficult, and cumbersome, but in the end, you will not only lead a more authentic life, but you will be able to find joy and happiness. And if you need help, remember to check out Mariette’s book as well as her blog to guide you along the way to your liberation.
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