That we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone”
Billy Joel
One of the questions that often remains unasked and
underexplored is the one about who we really are versus who we think we are.
This is a matter of great importance, especially when we are encouraged,
motivated, and even driven to be ourselves often without acknowledging the
unknown, often hidden, and sometimes repressed aspects of ourselves. Naturally,
and most likely for good reason, there are parts of ourselves that we hide from
others or rather choose not to reveal to them but there is also a stranger
within us that we fail to look at and who may suddenly and unexpectedly lurk
its head from the shadows and kick us right between the eyes.
To delve further into this, I am going to look at a
musician who despite his fame and glory is in my view still underrated
especially when it comes to his lyrical and poetic qualities and propensities.
In fact, I believe that his repertoire, which includes numerous hits and catchy
but meaningful and impactful tunes, has become part of our global psyche no
matter where we live and regardless of what generation we may be from and what
our belief system is.
This particular post represents a trilogy of sorts vis-à-vis
this rather interesting and versatile singer-songwriter by the name of Billy
Joel, and in this cyberspace and blogosphere, I have previously discussed his
song “Honesty” in the context of a professional and personal lack
thereof and his rocking “Room of My Own” with the background of re-creating, refurbishing,
and re-decorating your very own place and creative headspace.
For our purposes here, I shall discuss The
Stranger. This iconic song starts off with about a minute of a purely
musical and melodic introduction that includes soft dreamy piano combined with
melancholy whistling both of which are filled with yearning and longing. This
song made an impact on me during my youth. The youth in question was
interested in existential philosophy while cautiously dipping his toes into the
deep waters of depth psychology but with limited knowledge and much less
experience in these fields, let alone the minefields of love and romance.
Although The Stranger is mainly a song of
self-discovery and the revelation or realization of hidden aspects and
dimensions of oneself, it provides an additional layer of complexity by
considering and looking at interpersonal romantic relationships, an area in
which I had practically no experience whatsoever at the time. In fact, my first
encounters with this song occurred during a bittersweet period of youthful
idealism and constant and continuous yearning and longing for desire and romance.
And yet this song not only appealed to me but also
spoke to me, albeit in a language and in terms that I did not and could not
consciously grasp at the time. Yet the overall message is that there is a
stranger in each of us, a part of us that we intentionally hide from others and
that others hide from us – as the singer finds out to his surprise when he
tries to seduce his partner. In fact, he used to consider himself a “great romancer,”
i.e. skilled and adept at the art of seduction but his loved one bluntly and
unexpectedly rejected his advances without even giving him a reason (ouch!).
(Incidentally, in a rather hilarious mishearing and
misunderstanding of lyrics, something which I am not immune against and which
was more prevalent during my youth when I was not as fluent in the English
language, for the longest time I had assumed that she refused him and gave him
the slip for the western Bonanza, a fact that would have been a much
funnier and even more shocking line and reason had this indeed been true!).
Interestingly, the first time I encountered Billy
Joel in my youth was via an interview he gave about his most recent album at
the time. In that program, he was wearing shades and looked cool but then he
said something that made an impact on my youthful ears. He said giving a
concert was like having sex; the louder they are, the better one gets, and the
more he would enjoy his performance on stage. I was immediately intrigued by
this artist and have been listening to his music ever since.
Yet this specific song appealed to me back then and
continues to do so throughout the years. With 20/20 psychoanalytic hindsight,
this may not be so strange after all because I was a triple stranger myself, at
home with my family, as a foreigner in a country that often reminded me in no
uncertain terms that I did not belong while also being a stranger to myself or
rather misrepresenting me to myself.
Hence, my fascination was not just based on its
catchy tune but moreover the lyrics and the theme of The Stranger, which
strongly resonated with and within me. We all have a face that we hide from the
purview of others, it told me. As a teenager, these words are most soothing
because you feel misunderstood by your parents and sometimes also your peers.
So you start wearing a mask with which you decide to please others or hide
aspects of yourself that you think they do not appreciate, or a combination of
both. The more you wear the mask, the further you move and remove yourself from
your true self and identity.
Essentially, this comes down to a case of
authenticity versus putting on an act, and that is certainly part of the song’s appeal as it points to
the fact that we intentionally and intently hide facets of ourselves and bring
to the foreground parts that have little if anything to do with who we really
are deep inside. Everyone is so untrue.
And yet, seen from my current perspective, this lack
of connection also includes parts of ourselves that are lodged in the
unconscious and that we do not have currently access to. In fact, there is a
stranger that we have never met but resides within us. It can be a dark side of
our nature, but it could also be the amalgamation of repressed desires and
wishes or even realizations. In that sense, we are strangers to ourselves and
may find ourselves at odds with thoughts and feelings that seem to come out of
the blue and supposedly have nothing to do with who we are.
This gets more complicated when another person
becomes involved and entangled with it, especially since they also bring their
own stranger and emotional baggage with them. And if neither side knows
themselves, we can find ourselves in deep waters and much bigger trouble. This
then comes in addition to and on top of the secrets we willingly withhold and
conceal from the eyes and the ears of the other.
This should not be a source of worry and concern
because we all make mistakes and we hold mistaken assumptions both about ourselves and
others. A relationship that is filled with secrets cannot be authentic but a
relationship with no secret whatsoever may not be realistic or even
commendable either.
Moreover, there are parts that we hide because we feel others will not appreciate or tolerate and accept them. But in a truly loving
relationship, you should be as close to who you really are deep inside and as
much as is possibly possible. Put differently, the fewer secrets you have the better. It also
reduces your stress level because if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing
to fear. Nothing can be revealed if all has been already exposed, whereas no
dirty laundry means no washing is needed.
In that sense, your relations can be your home, not
only literally but also figuratively. Home is not merely where your heart is
but where you yourself find yourself and reflect who you are, warts and
all. And it is this whole package where you need to accept yourself first and
then have the other accept it in the same way that you accept them with all
their flaws and glories. All this time, perfection and/or idealism can be the
enemy, the hidden poison to any real life-and-blood relationship.
To sum up, do not ignore the voice of the stranger. Listen to it. It wants to communicate something to you, and you may not understand it immediately, but it does have something important to say to you. As Billy Joel sings, he is not always evil nor is he always wrong and all your good intentions will not quench its desires while the fire will keep burning deep inside.
And if you are not aware and careful enough, don’t be surprised to be kicked
right between the eyes. Instead, it is best to listen, make amends with him or
her, and get to know your stranger better. Because in the end, the stranger is
not merely a part of you, it is you.
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