“While psychiatry
is concerned with the question of why some people become insane, the
real question is why most people do not become insane.”
Erich Fromm
All you need to do
these days is turn on your television, browse through the news or Social Media,
walk outside of your home, and you will most certainly stumble upon some sort of negativity. You do not have to look very hard to spot and find toxic attitudes
and behaviors, especially nowadays. The world is topsy-turvy and has gone mad,
and I am more than ever reminded of the wise words of Erich Fromm regarding sanity
and that the question should be rephrased to not why people go insane but rather why and how they
do not.
But matters of
sanity aside, negativity is not the place you want to remain or dwell at.
Negativity and its dark companion trauma should not be your status quo in your
life. You want to be aware of it, hold it in your palm and feel its pulse, and
then let it go and free and release yourself from its toxic waste and fumes.
You want to transform negativity and, as a result, and through it, be
transformed yourself.
The latest guest on Arash’s World knows a lot about this, and she is, in fact, all about transformation. I had the pleasure to talk to H. I. Yates, CEO and Founder of Luv Mark and author of the book Dissolvingthe Anchor: Untethering Dysphoria and Self-Doubt to Create an Empowered Life.
She has had her
own share of struggles, pain, and difficulties but has managed to deal with them
and to leave that dark place behind, while she is now sharing with us her
profound insights and her love and affection for everyone who needs to deal
with negativity and toxic thoughts and harmful behaviors. In this way, and to a
large extent thanks to her own personal experiences, she has the power to help us
deal with our issues in our own world and on our own terms.
It is a seismic shift
in mindset that transforms the whole being, a step that may look easy at first sight
but it is indeed profoundly difficult and challenging to undertake. It is not unlike
forgiveness. The act itself may look and sound simple, but it can be trying under
various circumstances, and in different contexts, it can be one of the most difficult
things to do. And yet, it is also profoundly liberating and life-changing for
those who truly manage to forgive others and themselves in the process.
Yet most of us,
whether we accept and acknowledge it or not, is not there (yet) and, more
often than not, we go through our lives unhappy, lonely, dissatisfied, and
disappointed. The word dysphoria, which denotes and symbolizes a wide range of
negative feelings, such as unease, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction, is included
in and is part of the title of her book, and it is, unfortunately, a lived and
experienced reality for many of us.
When Hailima talks
about overcoming loneliness, a negative self-image, and low self-esteem, I could
personally relate to various of those issues. We discussed the often prevalent
- and for the most part misguided - drive for perfection that is often coupled with
the sense of impostor syndrome, the feeling that we are seemingly not good
enough (nor ever shall be so) no matter how much we know or how hard we try.
As to perfection,
I loved Hailima’s witty observations and remarks, such as, why do you want to
be perfect in the first place and how great or fun would that be anyhow? Apart from
being unattainable in the first place, perfection also sounds pretty bland and boring
to me, and it is a state with nowhere to go and that I could gladly dispense
with.
But society is often pushing us in that direction and applauding us when we supposedly are - or rather claim to be - perfectionists. In fact, this causes more harm than good. Many people fail to finish what they have started because they feel it is always inadequate and never complete. Many become filled with self-doubt and are worried and preoccupied with what others will say and think about them.
Trying
to make things perfect - and worse, trying to be perfect - is often a sign of insecurity and of being afraid of and haunted
by the lens and perception of others. Yet whatever your undertaking or your endeavor may be,
if you try your best, you put your heart and soul into it, and it is what you
truly believe in, then it will be worth both its salt and weight in gold, and
then some.
One of the most
important steps to take towards liberating yourself from deep-seated fear,
insecurity and trauma is the often-unacknowledged fact that our past
circumstances, our childhood, and upbringing influence our current choices in
life. That pertains to various areas of our life, including but not limited to
career and relationship choices, how we treat ourselves and others, and also
how connected and in touch we are with our own emotions.
It may come down
to a single disturbing and life-changing event, but more often, it is a range
and a gamut of seemingly minor pain-filled traumatic experiences. Some of them
are stark, may shake us to the core and can be unbearable, while others could
be growing bits by bits over time. In either case, trauma
will have lingering effects on our overall health and wellness, and we often try to
evade these uncomfortable feelings by repressing or ignoring the important
and vital messages from our body and mind.
When we do not
address these feelings, issues, and situations, they often become incorporated
and embodied in an internal dialogue. These are the messages we keep telling
ourselves, which will influence both our outlook and our actions. Over time, these negative messages and emotions become absorbed by the inner critic, a
voice that can be an amalgamation of beliefs that others have of us or that we
attribute to them and then apply them to ourselves.
The source may be our parents or relatives, teachers, or fellow students and friends as well as
media, television, and the internet, all of which may have had a hand and say
in influencing you and shaping the way you feel about life as well as your
relationships with others. This may be the underlying reason why we falsely
believe and assume that we are not good enough, but this entrenched negative
outlook and belief system is pervasive and harmful as it often becomes a
self-fulfilling prophecy.
We want to be
aware of all of this to be able to make a deep mindset shift. We want to move
to a place where we can intentionally make choices towards the life that we
want to live according to our guidelines and choices and under our standards.
Our pain and suffering, the trauma and the haunting ghosts of our past can then
provide important, necessary, and even vital insights and guidance to be able
to emotionally heal and handle the many struggles and adversity coming our way.
At that point, you
are not driven and compelled by forces outside of you, but you take up the
necessary agency, control, and responsibility to create the life that you really
want and wish to have. These insights and this confidence come from the depths
of our pain that we manage to effectively and successfully overcome, and we let
go of the anchor, the weighty placeholder of all our obstacles, which, up
to that point of our lives, has been holding us back in the guise and shape of self-defeating
beliefs and behavior. It is this anchor that has caused the obstacles and the
surplus of negativity within our psyche and that we need to release and dissolve
now.
By knowing what has
hurt you in the past, you take a definite and decisive stance by not letting it
subconsciously control your life ahead. You can use what you have gone
through to let yourself grow and heal. If you are not aware of it, if you do
not know and understand the roots of your issues and problems, namely, what
caused your pain, to begin with, you are going to be reacting and making
decisions in a certain way that will not bring about a state of calm and peace,
but quite the opposite.
These changes and
adjustments are not going to be comfortable, and they will require significant
and tremendous effort, but in the end, they will bring you happiness and joy.
We are not talking about superficial changes that may bring about temporary
happiness, but one that comes from the depths of your being and deeply
resonates with you. Realizing this, you can stop feeding the negativity within
and you can now dissolve its shackles, and with this, liberate yourself from the
power and hold it used to have over you.
This is again why
it is utterly important to acknowledge, accept, feel, and process emotions. As
Hailima points out, anger seems to be a socially acceptable emotion, but we are
much more than our rage and the current state and level of our anger. So many
people have made wrong choices in their lives, and many have paid for it in
different ways. If we suppress our feelings and let them build and fester in
our psyche, our negativity will grow and invade our happiness, and we may even
falsely identify with this toxicity.
But once you allow
yourself to be, and to be vulnerable, you can free yourself from negative views
from the past that are affecting your present. You can then accept yourself as
who you are and stop listening to the inner critic; instead, in the words of Hailima,
you can now start embracing your inner advocate a bit more. You can then learn
to forgive the people who hurt you in the past and then forgive yourself. In
this manner, you would release holding on to that pain and guilt, and it is a
liberating feeling that can help you to heal emotionally and spiritually.
In fact, you could
turn and transform your negativity and suffering into pure gold. It seems that
many of us are permanently residing in Plato’s Cave and not realizing that
there is a beautiful, shiny, and radiant world outside of the dark compound. In
Plato’s Cave, people are bound and are watching flickering shadows on the wall,
not aware of a world that exists beyond those confines, a world that is filled
with vibrant sunlight, green plants, and colorful flowers. They remain stuck in
that position, but one person manages to break free and sees that there is a
world behind the world, a source of light behind the shadow that we took for
and erroneously thought was reality.
That person was not believed, but it is important to believe Hailima who has experienced the dark recesses of the cave and has managed to break free from its bonds and obstacles. With passion, energy, devotion, and dedication, she provides a clear and shiny example for others to follow. She facilitates and guides many others through her company Luv Mark by highlighting healing, empowerment, peace, and joy, and that is true leadership in my books.
To access my full interview with H. I. Yates, please check it out on YouTube or on my Podcast.
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