How to Date Smart and NOT be Traumatized by Dating: An Interview with Dr. Carla Marie Manly

When we think and speak of dating, we are often filled with both excitement and apprehension. For some, dating has led to traumatic experiences, and one may embark on its arduous and strenuous path out of necessity or despair; others will relive and re-experience, consciously or unconsciously, traumatic patterns ingrained from and since childhood. Others, on the other hand, may opt for a carefree (and potentially careless) ersatz life of hook-ups and casual encounters without setting any anchors anywhere in sight.

At the same time, some may see the world of dating as an enticing adventurous call beckoning for exploration as it adds to personal experiences, richness, flavor, and complexity while continuously forming and shaping one’s identity. Finally, others will use dating as an accumulation of experience gleaned, gained and harvested over time that would, gradually or eventually, lead to the formation of tender affectionate bonds with a significant other, which may or may not result in a loving and caring family.

To discuss these matters related to dating, in addition to many other details and tidbits of information and insight that emerged during our enthralling conversation, I decided to talk to Dr. Carla Marie Manly, the author of the book Date Smart: Transform your Relationships and Love Fearlessly. Dr. Carla is a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationship issues, stress, and anxiety and who uses the holistic paradigm of body-mind-spirit, which looks at and considers the whole person, i.e., various aspects of each individual, by putting everything in context.

Carla is certainly no stranger to Arash’s World. Incidentally, I reviewed her first book Joy from Fear about two years ago, in which she discusses fear and anxiety and how to deal with them in an effective manner. While other authors and psychologists often merely scratch the surface, Carla amazed me with unusual depth, insight, and originality. It was such an eye-opening experience, and I was so impressed by the book that I felt compelled to overcome and override my own fears and anxieties and directly contacted the author herself. Not only was she most accommodating, friendly, and open, she even agreed to an interview back then.

At that pre-pandemic time, it was simply done with me sending her a list of questions and her responding to me over email. This time around – thanks to technological advance and a wider, more encompassing, and less fearful mindset of yours truly - I have had the pleasure to speak to her in person over Zoom!

Although the topic at hand is dating, fear and anxiety, staples of life in general and seemingly more pronounced in modern life, are not that far off. Many of our dating decisions are influenced, shaped, molded, and imbued with tremors and fears, both of the founded and unfounded kinds. Notwithstanding, the path of dating can be fraught by pitfalls and potential dangers, of one’s physical as well as emotional safety, yet with Carla’s book in hand, embedded with wisdom and insights as well as clinical experience, you will have a much better chance of dealing with the ups and downs, ebbs and flows and the various tidal waves of the dating experience and relationships overall.

Let’s start with a definition of dating. According to Carla, a preliminary and general definition of dating would be to see it as the process of looking for a partner. Personally, I also see it not a status quo nor end in and of itself but as a temporary state and as a means to evolve to something larger and more stable and lasting behind the horizon. It is, especially in its initial stages, but it can also occur and reappear practically at any stage of life, a path of self-discovery and of developing, growing, refining, and enhancing one’s identity.

In the interview, I was interested in the difference between generations and age groups. For instance, when you start off experiencing and experimenting with dating in your teenage years, there are different kinds of fears and peer pressure that surround your experience. The main piece of advice here is to approach it carefully and with caution but also to adjust it to the rhythm and flow of your own life. For instance, if anything does not feel right or good to you, you may want to double-check with yourself to see whether it is what you really want to do.

Dating is essentially a skill that can and should be developed over time. Although some are happy and content to get married and settled with their high school sweethearts, others would benefit from accumulating experience and knowledge as they are aiming for a successful relationship in later stages of their lives. Parents should be open to and mindful with their children and not restrict them too much or overburden them with strict limitations at the onset.

Instead, parents should listen to and tune into their child’s concerns, doubts and wishes, and they should refrain from being overprotective, from punishing their children and from prematurely closing or shutting down those vital communication lines. It is best to adjust to and gently steer across the natural flow of your child’s inner world of experiences.

These early dating experiences, the good and the bad, would often shape one’s later relationships. The negative experiences could come in handy to develop more positive experiences at a later stage, and, at worst, they would stagnate, mire and stymie one’s attempts to bond and connect with another being.

As Carla explains, dating in a global sense is about learning who we are. Her book Date Smart is indeed applicable to everyone because it is really talking about relationships that we have with each other and at all and any point of our lives. In fact, dating does not merely come to a halt when you are married but it can - and I would even say should - be pursued creatively and affectionately even after one has “won over” and “conquered” the heart of one’s love interest.

Love is an ever-growing and ever evolving continuum, and the same skills and self-awareness that helped you to land the right partner can now ensure to keep them and to further develop your intimate relationship with them. Both you and your relationship continue to be a work in progress as well as a beautiful shiny work of art.

Yet both, dating and deepening a relationship come down to essential basic but utterly important characteristics, such as honesty, authenticity, and respect. It is essential both for yourself and the other person involved that you be honest at all stages of your courtship and relationship.

This would start on or even before your first date. If you have chosen to use an online dating app, make sure that relevant and important details are accurate and communicate to others who you are and what it is you are looking for. That would start with your profile, and it is best to do your own and to be straightforward and upfront with others and let them know what it is you are looking for, whether it is a friendship or a life partner, or anything in-between.

Carla’s advice of not having alcohol involved on first dates is also most useful and can help avoid and circumvent disappointment and heartbreak at later stages. Alcohol can dull and confuse the senses; you might miss out on important and vital information, or it may lead to unwanted and uncomfortable situations.

In fact, it is best to meet the other person in your natural state and engage in natural conversation. You can make it an open public space, such as a coffee shop, and it is even better to limit the encounter in terms of time, say a 30-minute date. Furthermore, to take away some of the early jitters, which are often naturally bound to occur in stressful circumstances, such as dating, one can approach each connection as simply meeting someone as a friend; that way it does not feel so terrifying.

One of the best approaches would be to take it slowly and mindfully, as it will take away some of the pressure and the load of expectations of failure and success that we associate with tense and decisive moments. By taking a load off and relaxing, one can not only enjoy the moment much more but also be more perceptive and attuned to the other instead of worrying about oneself, how one looks and the impression one gives off to the other.

Moreover, the dating partner should accept you the way you are and not try to change you or reject parts of yourself. That could include bringing a child into the mix and can even apply to pets. Your potential partner should accept the whole package alongside everyone and everything that is essential and important to you.

It goes without saying that when you have a child, it is of the essence that your potential partner should have a good and caring relationship with him or her, and vice versa. But pets are also quite important for many of us, and they should also be given their place and priority. For many people, pets are faithful friends, companions, and additional members of their family.

They are such a joy to us, and they are often such an integral part of our daily lives that we would want a potential partner to respect and honor that relationship as well. If they do not do so or if they are allergic to certain pets, it would come down to difficult questions of priorities.

Yet if pets are seen as a source of irritation by the other, then that person may not be a good fit after all. It is not fair to be forced to choose between a pet and one’s partner; in fact, it is important for others to accept the whole package, and pets are often part of that bundle. It may not be a perfect package, but if it is a deal-breaker for you personally, regardless of what the other person may say or claim, then it is best to move on and not embark on nor engage in a relationship with that person.

Interestingly, there is a hierarchy when it comes to pets. Cats and dogs are the go-to creatures, while tarantulas are at the bottom. That being said, pets can also give us a good inkling of and idea about the personality of their owner. In my personal experience, pets often come to reflect and mirror their owners, perhaps via spiritual or emotional osmosis, when it comes to personality and behavior. Moreover, even the choice to have snakes or tarantulas as a pet is a telling sign of one’s personality, and others may or may not be all right with or attracted to that personality type.

These different steps and suggestions, alongside 33 practical and insightful mindset shifts that Carla offers in her rich and resourceful book, would help vis-à-vis one’s dating experience, and one can, if not avoid, then at least reduce potential confusion and disappointment in that important domain of our lives. In fact, in her clinical practice, Carla has met people who have been traumatized by their dating relationships, and they would often realize that their chosen partner was simply not right for them.

This lack of self-awareness and perception can affect any age and hence it is important not only to know oneself but to be aware and conscious of one’s attitudes and past experiences and learn and grow from them. Often, we carry along hurt and may not acknowledge it or tend to it or even try to dull it with alcohol, substance abuse or casual encounters, or we may even compartmentalize it all. We may deny ourselves an intimate relationship and simply see our current partner as a placeholder in our lives.

This is not uncommon; there is a lot of heartache going around as we have in many ways become a consumerist and superficial society that is disposable and disposability oriented. We may jump from relationship to relationship without giving either one a chance to develop and prosper, and we may be plowing through people, expecting to meet the right one right around the corner when we never seem to do so.

You do not need to look hard to see various divorces and serial breakups that can only be unhealthy and traumatic for the psyche. It may be the psyche itself that unbeknownst to itself has become a propeller of self-fulling prophecies and has been caught in a vicious cycle of repetitive patterns. Yet realizing this, reaching out for help and assistance, and trying to air and clear the issues by gaining more insight and a clearer perspective into yourself and your relationships can clear the way to have relationships that are less fearful and much more joyful and continue to be a ray of light and inspiration at any stage of your life.

You can access the full-length interview on YouTube and on my podcast: Arash's World Podcast.